Grief and the dark room

The only way I can describe my grief is by saying I feel like I’m in a very dark room, no light whatsoever. When I move I stumble and fall over shapes causing me to cry out. Time is going by, I still can’t see the shapes, still stumble and fall but now I see something in the wall and I realise it’s a door, I am making my way towards it, not stumbling or falling quite so much. I notice that the door has light coming from underneath it. I am at the door, I look behind me the room is still dark and the shapes are still indiscernible. My hand is on the handle and for the first time I feel fear, I don’t want to leave that dark room. I slightly open the door and bright light, warmth and the smell of my favourite flowers engulf me and I slam the door shut. What I need to realise is that by walking through that door, I am not ever going to stop loving Mike that would be impossible but it does mean that I am slowly starting to move on with my life but not quite ready to let go of the emotions that came with Mike’s death. One day I know I will walk back into the sunlight and I will look back at the dark room and the tears will flow because I have accepted Mike’s death but it won’t be just yet meanwhile until that time I will just keep looking through the gap.

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Camembert that is very moving and I am so sorry for your loss.
It also makes perfect sense and I long for the day we can all walk back into the sunlight.
Joe x

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This is very moving and many people would relate to what you describe. My husband died on Boxing Day so early days yet I know, I think all of our partners would like to think we were carrying on with life as best we can" and find some happiness in the future - they wouldn’t want us to be sad for the rest of our days. I can almost hear my husband saying “come on - remember all the good things we had and carry on as best you can”.
Davina

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Hello Camembert
I always thought of myself as struggling through a long dark tunnel and trying to find the light at the end of it. I wasn’t making progress as I thought I might so I had to be patient and wait and eventually that light does begin to appear. Not all at once but a little at a time. At times I fell back down the tunnel but I learned to climb out again. This is what we do we learn to live our life again. You will know when you are ready to go towards that light. I don’t think the grief goes away but it doesn’t control me permanently anymore.
xxx

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Pattidot, thank you for your post, it has helped me with my feelings and given me some hope for the future.
Joe x

Hi Joe
As we have all discovered grief is the hardest thing we have ever had to face and I feel such sympathy for those of you that are new to this. I am in my third year and it has flown by. Some things I remember seem like yesterday. But I think I have come to terms with my loss although there are still bad days. I have adjusted to living alone, although I have the company of my lovely dogs. I don’t fear the tears anymore they are a part of my life and tomorrow is always another day. I am so pleased that I have been some help to you.

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Thankyou for that Pattidot.
I try to stay positive but find it so hard because of all the emotions I am feeling. I realise I have to try not to be alone too much but I also dread meeting people nowadays and am anxious and overwhelmed with just about anything that requires thought. I don’t know how to break this cycle as I miss my beautiful wife so much. I will try you tube to see if anything there might help.Thanks for your support.
Joe x

Thank you Pattidot, I know that one day I will step out into the sunshine. Wherever I go my memories of Mike will always be with me I just miss him.

Hi Joe
We all know about those horrid emotions. Where do they come from??? we never expected them.
I found I actually preferred to be alone but I didn’t stay indoors and kept myself busy. I did join groups and had counselling but non of this was really for me. I actually quite liked lockdown and the peace and it gave me time to come to terms with coping on my own.
Don’t rush yourself just give yourself time and do what you think is right for you. Slowly life begins to slot into place again. But you have to grieve first.
I miss my husband everyday but I carry him with me wherever I am. I have the feeling he is looking over my shoulder all the time and this gives me comfort.
Pat

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Wise words,
I too hope my hubby is hovering around me. If roles were reversed I wouldn’t want him to be consumed by grief - just do his best.
Some days I think, there’s a big world out there and I’d like to be part of it again - but not today.

We can only deal with things our own way in our own time. .
G. X

Feel the same - my husband wouldn’t want to see me unhappy and grieving but wouldn’t be natural not to be like this. Some days I feel quite “normal” and then have two or three very sad days. My dog walking helps but my mind is just full of him most of the time. Try to be bright and positive for my family and friends though not always easy - then of course people think you are over it all and have moved on.

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