Grief at a young age

[S-Rose]

I am only 18 so unlike many others on this app I have not lost a husband but instead a boyfriend of 2 years last month.

Losing a loved one is always something I’ve been afraid of, but never in a million years did I think it would have been him. Nothing could’ve prepared me for receiving the call that he was missing and being the first to find him. Nothing could’ve prepared me for being dragged away helplessly from him so that they could perform cpr. Nothing could’ve prepared me for losing my best friend so suddenly. There has not and will not be a funeral as his family are somewhat ashamed of what happened (which I find ridiculously frustrating). Not only does he deserve so much more than that but it also means I have no closure on what has happened.

I’m reaching out as I have no support. He was my home and my safe place. I recently returned to college for the first time without him and reactions have either been over the top from people I don’t know, or being ignored and people avoiding eye contact. I feel so isolated in my grief and nobody seems to understand what I’m going through since we are so young. I don’t understand how I’m supposed to go back to normal when everything has changed. He was my best friend in the world and his family were incredibly close to me, but now it seems everything was stripped away from me in one night. I had to break the news to his family the night it happened and after hugging his mum tightly and crying into eachother , I gave her the note he left me and went home. she hasn’t reached out since.

I’m heartbroken, shocked, confused and alone. I’m terrified that the family blames me for what happened as I was the one who knew about his mental health. He had told me he had mentioned it to his mum, and that he was getting better. But evidently both were a lie and now I’m left feeling guilty and broken.

[roni52]

Oh @S-Rose i am so sorry for what you are having to experience at such a young age.
It really doesn’t matter what age you are when you lose someone you love, it hurts all the same.
You can’t get back to normal yet as you will need to grieve and try come to terms with what has happened, but please don’t ever think it was your fault. And well done for getting back to college. That takes a lot of courage.
His family will be grieving also and likely won’t have much headspace to be thinking of anything else, including you sadly, so why not try to reach out to them.
It may help you both to come together at this time.

Others won’t see what you are going through as it will be too difficult for them to comprehend.
People are awful when there is a death out of time, I have experienced the same so maybe take some comfort in knowing that it isn’t you, but societies lack of knowledge on how to be around us bereaved.
Keep Posting on here and you will get support from others in a similar situation, from people who won’t judge and truly get what you are experiencing.
It really helped me especially in the first months.
Sending you a huge hug and lots of love and strength xxx

[Walan]

@S-Rose Hi and sadly welcome to here, a hard place to find yourself but a good first step. Age is irrelevant in loss and grief, they both come regardless, everyone here can understand your pain and confusion as we have felt and feel it too. It’s very early in all of this for you, its been 2 years now for me, and everything will feel very raw and very overwhelming, guilt, anger, desperation, the list goes on and for a time this will be your life. But it will get easier, you will move forward, incrementally and day by day life will build around your grief, accommodate it, allow you to carry it. It sounds trite but it does take time, that much I can vouch for.

It must be difficult for you that there will be no funeral, perhaps you could organise something for yourself to celebrate your partners life? Doing so may help you find some form of solace in having marked his passing. Closure I have found to be an elusive beast with many facets and stages, there has been no one moment that has brought understanding, again its been a collection of instances and events that have accumulated and built a sense of solid ground beneath my feet.

It’s impossible at first to acknowledge that this is the new normal, life without them, everything else just carries on as before. If you are really struggling with college at the moment, perhaps you could speak to a welfare representative. It may be that it would be beneficial for you to access counselling services which they may be able to assist with, or it may be that you decide to take some time away from your course which they may be able to advise on. How you approach this new normal is up to you, your decisions, your agency, your needs.

There is always guilt associated with loss, the perhaps, perhaps, perhaps, but please don’t blame yourself for your partners actions, none of this is in any way your fault. You bear no responsibility. Your partners family will be in the same situation as you, lost, confused, broken, if you feel it’s appropriate it may be beneficial to reach out to them. If not then this may come in time, things change, emotions subside. As much as this is an end, it’s also a beginning.

It’s a tough road in front of you but you don’t need to walk it alone. People here understand and will not judge, so if it helps keep posting and reading. If you feel the age gap is too much of a barrier then there is an organisation called Widowed And Young (WAY), it may be that you find people on there closer to your experience. Whatever you decide, I wish you well and hope you find the assistance you need.

Widowed and Young

[user29]

I lost my boyfriend of almost 2 years in 2023 when I was almost 16 and he was 17. He was ill and when we met he had recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer but we didn’t let it get in the way of our love.

First of all, I am so so sorry. You’re right, nobody understands this pain until they have been through it themself, which is very rare at our age. Grief is the worst, everyday is different. And I understand we would’ve had different experiences of grief as your boyfriend passed unexpectedly. Please never feel alone in this, I was recently on a groupchat with a group of girls ages 14-20 who had lost their boyfriends, I left the gc for personal reasons but it showed how many of us there were, atleast 30 of us on that group. It’s heartbreaking to know how many young people lose partners and the lack of support is awful. I’ve been told bc I’m young I don’t qualify for majority of support which is awful. What country are you in? I’m in England and we have a charity called CHUMS, this charity offer support for grief for young people, and they offer it for partners too.

I’m sending you all of my stength lovely. It’s been 18 months since he passed and I promise you things get better, they really do❤️x

[Terrybird]

@S-Rose I’m so sorry for your loss at such a young age, no one wants to be here or to be feeling the way we do, life is so very very cruel.
I lost my boyfriend of 3 years (he died a week before our 3rd anniversary) 6 weeks ago this coming Monday.
A funeral gives us the opportunity to say our goodbyes and to celebrate there lives and to not have one must be very difficult for you. As someone before mentioned you should hold a memorial yourself. Get some of your/his friends from college, family members? Light some candles and remember his life with stories of him, be them good or bad… celebrate his life x

People tend to not know what to say, and in truth what most people say to you is stupid anyway, they haven’t got a clue! not unless it’s happened to them. It’s not their fault though, I wouldn’t wish this on anyone x

I’ve reached out to my boyfriends family, suggested meeting up for a brew. I’ve not seen anyone since his funeral as we didn’t live in the same town. So I don’t bump into any of his friends which I find really sad for myself as I feel like I had this whole chapter in my life but it’s like it never happened xx

I keep crying when I need to, I spent most the morning in tears today and I’ve been really flat all day.

Stay strong xx