I don’t really know where to begin, as I write this post it feels like I’m living someone else’s life. I wake up every morning hoping it was a bad dream but then I realise I am living in a nightmare. In December 2019 my husband Andrew was rushed into hospital with an appendicitis. The surgery was successful and he went back to work but In February 2020 just before lockdown he was diagnosed with appendix cancer. It was a massive shock but we have always been positive so we started on the road to recovery. He had surgery and 12 cycles of chemotherapy and the results were better than we thought so that was it. Let’s start getting back to normal. Then in 2022 Andrew was told the cancer had spread to his pelvis, small bowel, stomach and liver. He was living on borrowed time we knew the prognosis wasn’t good but he fought and fought with an army of loved ones behind him. Further treatment wouldn’t cure him the cancer was life limiting. it was just to prolong his life. We even managed to renew our wedding vows in Nov 2023 and even then I could see he was so poorly. He saw our youngest son graduate. After being admitted to our local hospice in February 2024 it was clear to us all he was running out of time. Devastatingly he passed away peacefully and surrounded by love on the 16th February. He was 48. I am 46. I met Andrew when I was 18 we had been together for 28 years, married for 22 years and raised 2 amazing sons. I miss him so much he was my absolute world and even though our relationship has been tested on many occasions we have stuck together, dug our heels in and come out the other side stronger than ever. I don’t know what my future holds and to be honest at this moment in time I really don’t care. Everywhere I go and everything I do just makes Andrew’s absence more evident. I look ok on the outside but inside I’m screaming so loud. The pain that losing a loved one causes is the worst pain imaginable 
I’m so sorry for your loss.
I went through similar only my husband only lived for 6 weeks after diagnosis, he died on 23rd February. It was the most dreadful time, watching him suffer and the rapid decline.
Now I often wonder if the pain will ever go away, my heart is broken and I’m sure it will never mend.
I do try to carry on because I promised him I would, but its hard. I do get some goodish days but still more bad ones.
There’s not been one day that I haven’t cried, some more than others but I’ve got this constant sadness surrounding me. We were together for 42 years so like you its a lot to let go of.
I’m sorry I couldn’t give you anything more positive but please be sure that on this forum everyone understands how you are feeling. No one will spout platitudes, just listen and share.
I understand what you mean about seeming ok on the outside, but screaming inside.
Sending you love and hugs x
I am so sorry for your loss also My friend of 32 years was engaged to my husbands brother and he died very suddenly and unexpectedly in September 2020 and I remember her saying to me she didn’t know which was worse, the not knowing it was going to happen or knowing you have limited time left. Both are devastating and losing someone cannot be compared but like you said watching your husband deteriorate before your eyes is the hardest thing I’ve had to deal with,
Sending lots of love and healing thoughts to you X
Thankyou.
I can’t decide whats the best way. They are both devastating. At least we got to say goodbye and tell him howm much we loved them.
I think the only way to avoid this heartache was to have gone together. But that’s a selfish thought, how would our families have coped with that.
Sending you love and big hugs
Liz x