I lost my dad to cancer in May. It was all quite sudden. I was with him when he passed, which I feel very lucky to have been, but I can’t get those last few hours out my mind. Everything I close my eyes it’s all I see. I have been signed off work, as the doctor feels I may have ptsd and I need some time for self care. I am waiting for counselling but that could take a few more weeks. I don’t have friends and I don’t like to burden my mum or partner. I know may isn’t a long time ago and that grief takes time but I feel like I’m getting worse.
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you need to “burden” them because in essence you are SHARING. maybe they wonder why are closed off?
you don’t have to go overboard but one day you will regret not opening up. be brave and express your emotions.
I feel your pain I really do… I lost my beautiful Dad 01/01/2020
I still struggle now with heartfelt grief that I wasn’t with him… We always talked about death and how we would wait for each other… The last time I spoke to him was 4.57am that very morning as I was travelling to Manchester for an operation 120 miles away…
He told me he would be thinking if me all day and he would see me that night when I got back…
Just as the trolley came to take me to theatre at 14.30, my son rang my husband who was with me and I knew he had gone before I could hear his voice…
I screamed the whole ward down… My Dad was my shadow, we had been through so much together, he was always there for me no matter what… My best friend had gone and I was miles away from home… 
I collapsed and was hysterical… They would not operate until next morning as I was a mess… I needed this operation as they needed to do major surgery so this was to see how bad my condition was so they could plan… To this day because if covid, I am still waiting for my operation… I had to loose 4 stone first which I have now lost 6 stone but my blood isn’t right so I have to take meds until the time is right to operate or I could die on the table…
Next day we drove home and walking into my mums and not seeing him made me absolutely unconsolable…
He passed away suddenly of a cardiac arrest, he was 83… I always said he was immortal, I actually believed it too but it hit me that bad, I was in turmoil…
Since then I still haven’t got over him leaving me… I am still very much in denial but what gets me through is talking about him and my house is a shrine for my beautiful Dad…
Everyone said time is a healer… But that is not true… We just learn to live without them and still I go to phone him at night time to say goodnight then realisation kicks in and I know he is not there 
I really am sorry for your loss… It is awful that we go through our young days being cared for by our parents then we grow up and its us who take care of them… 
If ever you need to talk I am here… Please talk about him to people and never doubt yourself as talking really does help… I often go to the cematary to his resting place and take a cup of coffee… Christmas and his birthday I take him a hip flask of whiskey… I go there at night in the dark too just to say goodnight to him… I’m not frightened at all… He has always been there for me and my kids… He was such a loving family man that I now don’t fear death as I know he will come for me… It gives me comfort to think that although my husband says I shouldn’t think that way but it makes me feel better and I will think what I want…
Please talk about him and talk to your Dad to as if he is there… Tell him how you feel and what plans you have and what your doing everyday… You will learn to live without him but it takes time… Life is so cruel and death is our only guarantee but we must make the most of living as we are only here temporarily…
Sending you a hug and again I am so sorry for your loss…