Since mum and dad passed away I am finding it hard to keep going. Over the last few days, I have felt near to collapsing a few times living close to the house where they lived is making me feel worse. I am still waiting for grief counselling I need it now because it is affecting my health my whole body is in pain and I feel worse every day.
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Hello Kate,
I’m so sorry to hear about how hard things are for you at the moment. It’s brilliant that you are waiting for some counselling and I really hope that it will help you. Sue Ryder also offer counselling and I have listed some options below.
I’m glad that you’ve been able to share how you are feeling here and I hope that you find the community a good source of support. Everyone here has experienced the loss of a loved one and will understand some of what you are going through.
Sue Ryder offers the following online bereavement support which might be of interest to you:
- An online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. If you feel some one-to-one support may be useful, you can find more information about the service here: www.sueryder.org/counselling
- A recently launched Grief Self-Help Service which provides articles and interactive tools to help you cope with grief. If you’re interested in understanding more about grief and how you can manage it, visit selfhelp.sueryder.org.
Take care - keep reaching out,
Susannah
Online Community team
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Hi Kate, really sorry to hear you are suffering so badly. You mention it is affecting your health, so have you discussed this aspect with your GP? Maybe you are really depressed and need something to help you see things differently. Hang in there, it WILL come right.
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@kate88 what you’ve said resonates with me. I was so shocked by how physical the effects of grief were. I experienced pain in my head, shoulders and throughout my core, on both the front and back of my body. Its difficult to describe but it was quite like the sort of bruised feeling that can come after a big increase in physical activity, eg doing way too much at the gym. I also had panic attacks: pain, palpitations, confusion and breathlessness. It was so physical, the first time I was frightened I was having a heart attack. Afterwards I was left shakey, weak and nauseous.
The other completely unexpected response was the marked decline in my mental ability. My memory was shot, both long and short term. I had zero attention span, I couldn’t see even simple tasks through. I couldn’t think, literally could not comprehend things, yes what had happened (his death) but also simple concepts.
I’ve never felt as damaged in my life. I just shut down. It was severely debilitating and utterly terrifying. I ended up hospitalized 6 months after Doug’s death. I was unable to cope on a very basic level.
Your experience really resonates with me. Without personal experience I dont think I could have appreciated just how severe the effects of intimate bereavement can be.
It sounds like you’re doing the right things like arranging grief counselling and sharing how you feel here. For me, medication helped. Though I was resistant to start theres no doubt it has helped with a number of symptoms. If I could go back in time to speak to myself 12 months ago, I would tell myself to hang on, to take any and all help that’s offered, to explore support groups, to take care of my physical self better and, most of all to hold on tightly to any little thing that generates positive feeling, no matter how tiny. Because pooling together all tiny spots of light is the only antidote I’ve found to the huge overwhelming darkness of grief.
@kate88 I want to share something my husband Doug often did:
“This too shall pass”
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Hi All
I can also agree with the shocking way it affected me at the loss of my husband. I threw myself into work, work and more work and literally burnt myelf out and ended up in hospital a few months later although I had never been really ill or in hospital before.
There is such a thing as a broken heart but Doctors don’t recognise it that often but I have read that it can mimic a heart attack and can show up in tests as an attack but it does heal itself.
I NEVER wanted to take medication as a doctor has so little time to spare for you these days that all they offer is anti depressants and I wasn’t depressed I was grieving and had seen an article where a psychiatrist said it was dangerous to take medication as we had to grieve properly so I never went down that road.
I also went for counselling but I was told I didn’t need it as I was coping just fine. This because I didn’t show my pain in public but I did join a group for a while when I needed that sort of support. Now I don’t feel I do.
Grief seems to pass by us in different stages and Doug saying “This too shall pass” is so right and I would also say. Hang in there. We learn to adapt but never foget.
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Aparently there is a phenomenon called the widowhood effect regarding the increased probability of death following the death of your spouse, and not only via suicide. I ended up in hospital with pneumonia and a clot in my lung 6 months after Doug’s death. I wasnt actively trying to kill myself but I wasn’t actively trying to keep myself alive either. I got ill because I didnt have the motivation or wherewithal to care for myself. I think the mental changes also played a part - I really struggled to stay on task making a cuppa in the very early weeks. Cooking for myself just wasnt an option. I used to apologise for my often blank stare saying “it’s like Doug to half my IQ with him” and people mostly would give a sympathetic smile but, I wasnt joking, I was trying to communicate something real - much of my newly grieving mind was unrecognizable to me. I felt like I was living in some awful parallel universe and all I wanted was to find a way back to normality - and to Doug
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I agree with you all, the months since my husband died, just seemed to reached burn out.
The last couple of years when Doug was ill, I worked full time, cared for him and doing all the jobs around the house he could not longer do. I don’t know where the energy came from, but now nothing. I’ve had one cold after another, covid, vertigo which comes on when I get stressed and now a chest infection.
I know that blank stare feeling, happens alot at work, but as I work in an office on my own nobody seems to notice . I’m finding more often I don’t seem to be able to hold a long conversation and lose track of being said.
I’m waiting for councilling too. X
@Debbie57 ove been thinking about what you said.
“You do for family” is something my Granny was fond of saying and Ive been thinking how true it is. You go the extra mile for the people you love without thinking, you just do. Caring for your spouse is just an extension of loving them. It’s easy to scrimp when you’re only caring for yourself.
Caring for your terminally ill partner must be one of the hardest experiences a person can go through, so demanding and in every way. I’d imagine you were already deeply exhausted before grief begun to take it’s toll. Its such cruel circumstances. I really feel for you and i hope counselling will help 
xo
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Hi @Loveliday, it was very tiring looking after him, but wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. We were told to say goodbye 18 months earlier but the haematology ward brought him back to us. We had those extra precious month’s.
My daughter had said since she thought we were going to lose her dad at some point last year, but hadn’t expected it to be so soon. I didn’t realise how unwell he looked, you don’t when your with someone all the time, until a neighbour gave me a photo she had taken of us just 4 weeks before he died.
You do what just needs to be done for your spouse with love, those wedding vows in sickness and health. I loved him when he was healthy, loved him even more through his illness. I’m still loving him now.
We knew what was coming, you could see him fading away and I’m sure I started grieving before he died. X
I’m glad you were given those precious “extra” months and that you were ultimately able to be at home. I’ve read some terrifying messages on this forum about bad experiences in hospital - it really doesnt bear thinking about. I guess we have to count our blessings where we can find them.
Take care of yourself xo
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I’m so sorry your having a bad day, understandable as I’ve just read your post on another thread.
I got to say goodbye to my husband, yours was taken so suddenly.
I often feel as if we living in an alternative reality, and one morning we will wake up and this nightmare will be over and it was just a dream.
But we know in our hearts that is never going to happen.
Sending love, Debbie X
Hi Loveliday
WOW Can I say firstly I m so sorry for your loss of your husband Doug,
What you have wrote is exactly, Exactly the same as I felt in everyway,I’m not going to go into too much detail I’m not going to bore you with the details, I was dying of a Broken heart I was pushing myself to die,I promised my beautiful Lucy I wouldn’t commit suicide so I was trying by default,
I think you are amazing to share your thoughts with us all,we are all here for you and for everyone else,we are a close knitt family
Sending you lots of 
and 
Martin xx xx
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Hi Devonguy
I am sat here with my heart breaking everyday I do not want to put one foot in front of the other I will not go into much detail of all the things I have had put on me since he died 7 months ago. I have several times thought of ending it all but I am to much of a coward I guess but the thought is always there as I cannot imagine going on with this pain everyday. I have had the mental health team but I do not think it has helped me much. I have no family just a good friend.
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Hi Martin
Can I say I am impressed with you present attitude. You are beginning to make some sense of things and boy you have had enough thrown at you recently.
I have now found out that hospitals are accepting that there is such a thing as a broken heart and its called Cardiomyopathy or broken heart syndrome and it seems that acute stress can weaken the heart muscles.
I have a feeling that you are going to come out of this stronger than ever. Just get yourself well again and then take care of yourself.
Pat xxx
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Hi Jessica 1231
I totally understand where you are coming from,I to was an absolute wreck, Since my beautiful Lucy passed away Wednesday 20th October 2021.
There was nothing left for me, we were together 27 Year’s and loved and cared for eachother so so very much,I’m just glad I managed to get Lucy home for the last 10 days exactly where she wanted and I wanted to,
Lucy made me promise her I would NOT take my own life and to live for her and me,I made that promise but my god I was slipping away very quickly, not eating half a slice of bread a day willing to die by default,
I know it’s so very hard for you been there got the T.Shirt so to speak,and Hundred of thousands like you and me are all going through this heartache,I too had a mental health team after I mentioned suicide to a counciller,and it had to go to the mental health team here,it’s going to be very hard I’m not going to sugar coat for you but please think what Doug wants you to do,I’m damn sure it’s not the dark side,we to have no family left 1 or 2 friends who you hardly ever see
We preferred eachothers company and enjoud ever minute of it,So please Jessica take a deep breath think of all the happy times you had with Doug, Remember he’s always with you,I have learned this, don’t ask for a sign I did that for over 6 months nothing he will come and send you one when he’s ready,
I really do feel for you, Everyone is Here for you,just ask anything don’t be affraid to ask,
For now I am sending you lots of and
I’ll check in on you as much as I can I promise take it 1 day at a time
Martin xx xx
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Hi Pat
I thank you so very much for your kind words,I am trying to make sense of everything,as you know I have been through hell and back, I really thought it was the end for me
Thank you for the update on Hospitals now accepting ,Cardiomyopathy,I didn’t know that is what it was called,all I knew broken heart,As of the Scottish actor who played Taggart died of it after his wife died, And you have explained fantastic to me the symptoms accute stress can weaken the heart muscles that’s exactly what happened to me I was wanting to die by default,I’m definitely going to come out of this stronger,I am going to live for Lucy and myself I am going to make her proud of me as she always was, I’ve been having so many tests here day in day out, I’ll try to document it when I have been to Derrifered Plymouth Hospital to have my heart bypass,I will win this I promise everybody
Phew that was a lot but from the heart,
I hope you are doing the best you can I really do,I think 1 day Sue Ryder should do a get together for all of us somewhere picnic etc and we can all put faces to the lovely people we talk to,in the meantime it’s meds time and blood pressure for me again now
Sending you lots of love and hugs
Martin xx
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Hi
I am sat here crying again just had the community nurse in not sure if it helps. My partners name was David and I miss him every hour. Unlike your wife my David was possessive so he would like me with him. I was lucky to have him home for a month before his heart gave out. I just would like to feel just one hour of peace but it just will not come. Nice to have a conversation with you.
Jessica
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Hi Jessica 1231
Crying is good let it out,it’s so very early stages yet of course you are going to be like this,onlt you can decide if the community nurse is suitable for you,but please don’t give up let’s see how the next one goes don’t hold back tell the community nurse the truth, Saying as it will really help her get a bigger picture of what you are going through and maybe refer you to a mental health team who can see you face to face and asses you, who will then write down what you have said and pass these notes with recommendations to your GP on the next best course of action for you, don’t be affraid, they work for you with you not against you.
Its natural to miss your beloved husband David, every second, every hour every day on so on,
I can’t really comment on your husband’s possessiveness with you,
And no one should,
David doe’s Not want you with him as much as you think he does,
This is something you must get out of your head I’ve been there where you are,I’m not here to talk about me,I’m here to try to help you,
And many more people on here will do the same for you, yes you was lucky to have David home for a month before his heart gave out,God Bless You Both, Take a long hot bath/shower try to relax and think of all the good times you both shared together no negative ones please, let’s take 1 step at a time ok we are all here for you and will continue to be here,we are all in The same boat,and tomorrow hundreds more will be in the same boat of the ones who have lost loved ones yesterday, It’s been lovely to talk with you soon,and remember I’ll be checking up on you, I’m sorry I have to go right now,it’s because I am in hospital and get very tired.
Sending you lots of love and hugs
Martin xx
Thinking of you all… feeling so so sad
Our love ones are not here to celebrate this jubilee weekend.
Oh how I hate it , emotions running high
and too many tears and yet we have to keep pretending we are fine.
For me feeling scared and dreading each day wondering how to live .
Life feels so pointless now without our
darling husbands . Try to smile if you can. Take care xx
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Hi Polly 1
Thinking of you all to,
You have summed it up perfectly how we all feel,We have to wear masks every day of our existence,
Plod on through the days and nights, pretending we are ok,then when home off come the masks and we are wrecks,Shells of once the people we used to be with our loved ones husband’s,wives, fiancé, Partner etc, I agree every day and night is such a struggle of how do we get through it, all I can say is 2 day at a time,Don’t push,Don’t go back, take it easy and take care of yourself is very important,We can’t go back in time as much as I wish we could,I’d jump at it in a heartbeat,
As I know everyone would do the same just for a short time,to let them know, I love you I’m going to miss you so very much,but I’m only here, Waiting for my time to join you and for us to be together in Heaven for ever, Until then I will carry on,as I know it’s what you want me to do,I can’t join you through self harm,as much as I would love to it wouldn’t be right and you would not be happy,I will know when my time comes and I will see you calling me forward to your loving arms.
Polly 1
I’m sending you all my love and hugs
Stay Strong, Take Care Stay Safe,
Martin xx