I lost my Mum in December 2015…she had cancer but she fought like an ox. She got the all clear on the 3rd Dec and tragically collapsed and died on the 6th Dec from a massive pulmonary embolism ( medical negligence was recorded ). I let out some emotion at the time, my stress levels were through the roof, so much so I was diagnosed with what was thought to be Crohn’s disease 5 months later. I ended up in a vicious cycle of hospital stays, I was a bag of bones and in so much pain that I just wanted my life to end even though I had 4 beautiful kids at home. I buried my grief deep and distracted myself the best I could when thoughts of my Mum entered my head…even happy ones as they lead to that dreadful morning I lost her. She was one in a million…the only person who could truly comfort me and now the grief has come out of nowhere and is consuming me. I keep replaying that morning over and over again…the solemn look on the doctors faces after working on her for what felt like an eternity…no words were needed - we knew she’d died, the vision of her lying on the hospital table lifeless will haunt me for the rest of my life, I begged her to wake up numerous times and just felt like a scared little girl. I feel so out of place right now, like I don’t belong anywhere anymore. Sorry for the long winded post…I guess I just had to pour some of my heart out 
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Sorry you are feeling so lonely and sad but the truth is I don’t think we ever get over such a tragic loss. I lost my dad in 2009 and still miss him everyday now I lost my hubby in August last year and all the memories of my dad’s death and Jim’s death are going round in my head. I’m not sleeping and it’s 3am and I’m still awake .
Sorry for your losses …sadly I think your right. I thought I had managed to bury my grief deep enough that it would never resurface…how very wrong I was. Night time for me is the worst…I can’t get to sleep for ages, just lie there with my thoughts and tears rolling down my face, its awful. A death is just the start of the nightmare for those left behind 
Hello
Reading your post has brought back so many memories of loosing my mum
I completely know how you are feeling
I loss my partner to an embolism found him at the bottom of our stairs then 9 months later my mum walked out to an ambulance never to return - she had 3 heart attacks
I could never grieve for her
She was my rock when my husband died she supported me
Then she was gone
Like you I had to be strong support the family sort out funeral money all the crap !!
When deep down you just want to curl up in a ball and have your mum comforting you
Now wallop you are grieving for her
Your body is telling you to do this you are stronger now to cope
May I say something try and think of the happy times with your mum what she did that made you laugh or smile
I don’t want to think of david at the bottom of my stairs or my mum on life support machine
It’s not easy as the bad memories always creep back
Have you not thought about writing in a journal about your feelings concerning your mum
Or if something nice happens with your children you could share it with her in the journal or just to talk to your mum about your feelings writing it down may help
It might help you cope with your grief now
If that doesn’t help you just come on her and talk we all understand
You take care
Xx
Thank you so much for your reply Scottie…I’m really sorry for your losses, terrible way to lose your partner and your mother 
just 9 months apart as well! I really appreciate the time you have taken to reply and also for the coping suggestions. I like the idea of the journal ( actually made me cry ) but what a lovely idea! Not quite the same as actually talking to her but I think it would help me. I also think you are right about my body being stronger to cope now…I had my whole bowel removed in 2019 ( permanent colostomy ), I am a normal weight now and don’t quite suffer the same pain I used to…sorry I’m rambling on here. I just hope that myself and everyone else who is struggling to accept the loss of a loved one will eventually find some level of peace. Big hugs to you xx