I can relate to this so much. People at work care for me they can see I am not as bubbly as normal. They ask me if I’m okay and I reply yes then they probe deeper because they know I’m not. When I explain about the grief it brings it to the surface even more and even though it comes from a kind place they say they are there for me which I appreciate but nothing changes how I feel. I have started to pretend and over dramatise my happiness now (my job is a primary school teacher). People around me seem happier for it but I feel false and unhappy but for the benefit of others I put on a brave face. Outside of work I feel I can be myself and express my emotions as they are which is easier and helps to deal with the grief. Pretending is hard.
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With you on this I put on a brave face and mask how I feel
There’s my family all broken and me holding it together
My husband would I know not want us all to be like this but it’s so hard didn’t realise there would be so much notifying to do either
Bless you
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I lost my hubby august last year. Very suddenly , i still feel so very lost and alone, i keep reliving the hospital and all the bad stuff, im so angry all the time, my family think its been a year you should be over it, i was with him all my adult life and he was my safe place, my whole world we were quite different but we worked, he was my missing piece of jigsaw that i had been searching for and i found him , now i just cant beleive hes not here, i go to work and walk around like a robot every day, i have days where i do think whats the point i dint want to be here without him this was not in our plans😰 how can i go on for however many years without him , im so tired of putting on a fake brave face and saying im ok, im so lonely and every single thing i see , throughtout my day reminds me of him, i drive his car , i am sp protective of the car now and its like its him , i soend hours washing polishing, if anyone drives to close im shouting and i frightened to park in places in case it gets damaged, i drive it and with my hands in the wheel he use to touch i get a feeling thats so nice as i think im touching what he touched but some days i touch the wheel and it literally breaks my heart , i look for signs every day like feathers or robins and if they dont come, i panic as i think hes not there somewhere looking down on me, i have a pain in my chest right where my heart us and its there every day, im dreading christmas, my birthday as well , im just wishing my days away so that im not here without him, i go to bed earlier and earlier so thats another day gone where i dont have to be without him, i really cant see how im ever going to feel different or where it wont hurt so very much,
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Dear 4201, I can relate to everything you say even panicking if I don’t see a robin. I had been with my husband all my adult life and married for 51 years. This is just an existence and I’m glad to go to bed as it’s another day over. I try to new things and get out of the house but he’s always on my mind whatever I am doing xxx
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Grief is such a rollercoaster and although I have not lost a spouse, my LO was my go to person, my rock and I struggled to know who I was without them. Telling you to get over it is NOT helpful. It is normal to feel utterly displaced and to lose oneself in grief. I was wondering if you have thought of contacting cruse bereavement? Their job is not to fix you or the grief but to help you navigate through. It does feel so wrong that we are here and they are not and I have experienced the giuilt of having my life. And yes, reminders are everywhere. If it helps I have gone right off Christmas and would ‘gleefully’ do a giftless day! When a death is sudden I imagine it is such a shock. Life is NEVER going to be the same again, for any of us who have lost a loved one but wishing it could go back to what it was is part of the process. Just know what you feel is very similar to how others feel and that over time life finds its way, a different path with different outcomes but a path nonethe less. Sending much love and hugs x x
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May be it not pretending as such. You are just putting on a happy face to get through the (teaching) day. Then when you are away from that you can be yourself. Maybe we have to find a way to do the outward ‘happy face’ and still hang on to our authentic self behind that so that the pretending doesn’t feel as ‘fake’? I do it too but I am beginning to open up more at work, not so that I break down but just enough so that I don’t feel so fake. If some one asks how I am I might now say ‘I’m doing ok’ rahter than ‘I am ok’. Sending much love x x
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I have contacted Cruise and there is a couple of months waiting list for telephone counselling. I am on waiting list! Lots of hugs xxx
So glad you have contacted them. They are very supportive x x
They will understand when it happens to them and get annoyed with others who don’t understand them.
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This is so true. Pretending to be coping because I don’t want people to make a fuss around me. Pretending just to get through the working day. Pretending to protect my children.
This pain is real. I miss my partner, he isnt coming back, ever. Nothing can change that agonising reality. I am broken and numb.
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@Anthon
Hang on to the fact that it is totally normal for you to feel the way you do. It is really early for you so numb, shock, broken are natural. It is the outside world that is screwed up, not you.
Use this forum for support from others that understand what you’re going through.
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The times I’ve heard that - I think some people are not fully human!
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So true - in the words of Stevie Smith ‘I’m drowning, not waving’ !
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The worst responses to my grief are a couple of friends who trot out, ‘Debbie’s still with you!’ when I cry - and often I can’t help it, whatever the company. Then these friends turn the conversation to the latest news or gossip. I know they mean well, they are dear friends of mine, but Debbie is NOT with me (even allowing for spiritual/religious views, not in any sense I can see and hear) and it’s that which is CAUSING my grief. I went to the doctor’s on Wednesday. He’s changed the antidepressants and done all he can in that area. Then he said: ‘My heart feels a lot heavier, heating your pain. I really feel for you.’ This was the first time I’d seen him, and I warmed to him immediately. So good that a busy professional took the time to listen, hear, and not try to apply emotional sticky plasters to my situation.
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It is so hard to pitch the ‘comfort’ right because in truth there is very little that comforts in the early days and then we all have a time frame by which we begin to respond to words in a way that makes it feel ‘better’. Sometimes the wrong words can make one feel so angry, so misunderstood. I know I got very angry when my loved one died. It does feel so difficult when people slot into their lives and we are so raw with grief. Sending love and hugs.
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