Grief is pretending. Pretending to be normal at work, pretending to be normal in the supermarket, pretending that it’s not real and you didn’t leave me. Wishing, hoping that I will wake up and it’s not real. Pretending all the time. It’s exhausting and today I just can’t do it.
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So true!
And doing stuff only so you have some “props” to refer to when playing out the pretence for others that you are … whatever they think you should be… ok/coping/getting on… etc.
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Exactly, the pretending your okay, and the trying to explain why you are not, if your date to be honest.
Utterly exhausting… Like nothing else
Love hugs and strength
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And if you try to explain that you’re not ok it’s brushed aside because its not what people want to hear.
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Yes exactly… Or worse the endless questioning , ‘oh why is that?’ ’ What’s happened now?’
.And I just want to shout
BECAUSE MY HUSBAND’S STILL DEAD. WHAT DO YOU THINK.
And the trying to ‘fix’ me or ‘make me better’ as if I’m ill !!!
I wish people could just understand and accept that it’s okay to grieve. And it’s okay to be sad.
Love hugs and strength to you all
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100% this. People want you to be “better” and it comes from such a place of kindness because they care and don’t like to see you hurting but it’s so hard that as much as they care they just don’t understand it’s not something you can turn on and off or “make yourself” feel better. For me, the friends that have just sat and held me while I’ve cried have been the ones that have helped the most. No words needed, just being there
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I can relate to the comments so much. People kindly want to fix you and you’re not fixable. You might get stuck together like the Japanese pots whose faults and flaws are shown but you are still that person, grieving a profound loss that can’t just be glossed over.
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Wow that’s struck a chord this morning. Feeling down but need to put face on and go out into the world and pretend. I want to stay in bed and cry. I won’t as I know he’d be annoyed with me .
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And a strange part of the pretence is how I end up feeling afterwards…after the total superficiality of my meetings with friends.
All the things that I’m told are good for me actually make me feel worse.
I feel like I’m living in a different emotional dimension. I am playing along to protect my friends from this depth of feeling… and the embarrassment of having feelings, surely that’s the wrong way around?
I feel like I have suddenly became a grown up in a world of children. But it’s one where apparently the perspective of the children is considered the correct one.
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Oh that’s so true, I’ve just forced myself to go to Aqua Aerobics when my instinct was to stay in bed. I guess it’s passed a couple of hours but that’s all. Unless has someone has gone through it I just don’t think they understand, yes being a grown up amongst children sums it up well! xxx
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I so understand the exasperation. I’m lucky have very good friends who have been supportive, but when I get a “wobble” as I call it they say the same. I think until you’ve been through it yourself with losing your hubby or partner you just don’t understand. It’s different from losing any other person in your life everything changes.
I lost my husband in June 22 and still miss him every day, I still remember everything about his illness and his valiant attempt to survive , but to the outside world im fine it’s in the past you should be over it by now! I am ok I’m doing well, but deep down there’s an emptiness that rises to the top, I have my wobble in private, so nobody knows or gets irritated. People’s lives go on they don’t talk about him now it’s like he never existed but he did, I don’t want to wallow in it, I’m doing ok but he was a huge part of my life the best part so it will always be with me it’s part of who I am. Others have to realise even though you’re coping and doing well you are still missing that special someone and always will, so they need to have a little more understanding , that sometimes you want to shout from the roof why isn’t he here I want him back well and healthy, it not sensible but that’s grief. I’ve fought back occasionally and told my lovely friends yes I’m am doing ok but grief is grief and until your in that space you will never understand . Suprisingly they did, just mistakenly thought saying come on snap out of it helped - really 
- it doesn’t just makes you feel like you’ve failed when you’ve tried so hard to deal with the emotional and all the other stuff you have had to deal with on your own.
Sorry it’s long I recognised so much i just had to say I understand the anger when your patronised and told come on stiff upper lip - you should be able to have that wobble to get angry at what has happened, it may not be dignified but that’s grief people have to accept that.
It does get better, but if you truly love someone grief will always be there waiting to knock you for six, you get up you dust yourself down you have to, and eventually everyday is not filled to the brim with it, you will laugh you will slowly get your life back but it will have changed into something you never wanted , you will deal with that as well, you will be your old self again but it takes time . Stay strong you’ll get through even if you have a few wobbles and yes angry moments it’s just what grief is.
Lots of love to all of you struggling x
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It is a different sort of pretend maybe. We have this feeling of disbelief within knowing what is real. The first year of grief has been described as ‘magical thinking’ because we are in that place of disbelief. It does ease into something less overwhelming in time. Sending love and hugs x
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Thank you for putting this into words. I totally relate to what you have said. Nearly 7 months on and I so miss him.
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Yes that is what I still do on a daily basis. Some days harder than others. Sending you all hugs and love.
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Thank you for putting into words, is exactly the same situation for me. It’s not that my friends are being unkind, they just don’t understand what it is really like. I have made a couple of new widow friends in last year and they are only ones who really get it xxx
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Yes that is just how I am at I feel guilty that I feel numb and not sobbing
Not real x
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This is a normal part of grief. Don’t feel bad for feeling numb. It is part of the process x we feel what we feel, when we feel it x x
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Thank you … the funeral is Monday think I shall crack then The music and poems and his life story
We were married for 57 years he died on Nov 5th
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Funerals are hard. Allow yourself to do whatever you need to do. Love and condolences. Such a long time to be with someone and very early days. I haven’t lost a partner so I will not pretend to know how that feels. I know that when my LO died it took me sometime to cry. We all function differently and there are no rules. The most important thing to do is seekout the people who get you and support you the best. And if people say unhelpful things validate yourself and where you are at. Grief is so personal so I will end by saying thinking of you x x
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Thank you so much I have a big family who are all grieving in different ways yr thoughts mean so much x
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