Grief is soooo ugly!

Grief is ugly. We are never prepared for the stark reality of it, perhaps our modern culture is to blame. We watch television period dramas. The widow is dressed like a Scottish Widows ad. A black hooded cloak, maybe a lone tear rolls down her cheek which she catches with a lace hankie. The widower might allow himself a moment of sad contemplation, but then squares his shoulders and bravely endures.
It isn’t like that, is it? Where are the hippo-like roars of sheer agony? Where is the snotty wailing? Why did nobody tell us that grief is ugly, that we would feel so hopeless, that life would feel pointless? Are we so sanitised in our modern culture that we don’t allow death anywhere near us until it actually engulfs us. We are not prepared for it. When confronted by other people’s bereavement we mumble condolences and move on. It happens to other people, not us. Until it does and then we know. But we don’t know how to cope with the pain, confusion and devastation. Of course it is wonderful that we have conquered so many diseases etc., although sadly too many still die around the world of disease, famine and war. But we have lost the habit of confronting the reality of grief.
I am not saying that I was expecting beer and skittles when I became a widow. Neither was I expecting to feel so abandoned and expected to take it on the chin. How did we not know that the shock is so awesome when the numbers here prove how common it is?


Strange isnt it? The one thing is life that is certain yet we never prepare or are prepared for it. I mean, how do you prepare? I’ve seen people die and unfortunately, in the job I used to do, you knew it may happen. But I was never prepared for the death of my mum. My dad died when I was 3, so I never really knew him and certainly never knew the beast called ‘grief’.
However, now I know the beast and was totally unprepared, even though I thought I was.
I think as a society, we dont confront death, we shy away from it because deep down we all fear it. We fear it for ourselves and for our loved ones.
Growing up I thought my mum was Superwoman! I believed she had eternal life and when she passed at 71 it hit me hard like an express train.
I’m slowly coming to terms with it, 18 months later. But its a long hard process and like you said, no one knows the grief another person feels…


It’s truly is immense what we have to endure and the huge range of emotions we experience. We aren’t prepared for what comes and no one else is either , so they all skirt around it, or avoid it altogether. Whatever other do it inevitably makes me feel worse at the moment.
I’m so sad you have lost your beloved husband- and I hope you find some support and understanding on this site.
Rest well and perhaps tomorrow will be easier in some way xxx

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Wouldn’t it be nice if we had a roadmap of how to get through it, like Google maps?
But we all start the journey with different issues and problems hanging around our necks.
It reminds me of the man when asked “how do I get to Manchester from here?”, answered " If I wanted to get to Manchester, I wouldn’t start from here!"

So all we can do is to battle on, picking up advice which suits us from such as the lovely people on here, and elsewhere, and do our best.

But try to be positive, it really does sort itself out.