I lost my mum in September 2024. It hit me very hard, I have lived with her since my divorce and stayed living here due to her health deteriorating and have spent the last 15 years seeing her every day and looking after her more and more over the last 10 years. We were close, enough that if one of us had ailments the other would often feel an echo of it. She was my rock, my safe space, my life really. I was ready to take complete care of her for the next 10 years if needed. I have always felt my parents looked after me so I will look after them. I still have my dad and trying to help him through everything too… but he is an extrovert and I am an introvert. He wants people around, I prefer to be left alone to try to deal with things so putting that on hold a lot to be there for him. I also lost my best friend the other rock in my life in April. Add on that I have clinincal depression, severe anxiety, menopausal and those bereavements I am hanging on by a thread. I am trying to stop myself sabotaging my life but finding it hard. Work even though I work from home which is a blessing… or I may not have been back working at this stage even. However a lot of people keep on saying I need to get out, to be with people etc. That stresses me out even more, I try to explain to them that I don’t need that at least not right now. COming up for 4 months that I lost my mum and that was the hardest thing ever in my life… and it feels like people expect me to just plaster on that face to pretend all is well… I mean I don’t ever cry to work colleagues as they are just that no matter how nice they are. They want to start discussing a work group get together already for Mar/Apr. I have literally no care about that, I don’t want to go, it is already stressing me out from just them talking about the meeting next week to discuss it. I don’t have the mental capacity right now and I just know my manager will be all, well it is not until Mar/APr so you will feel better by then. Everyone deals differently and I am just so close to the edge right now worrying about work and how people perceive me and how I need to do my best for them. After a couple of hours in company I feel so drained and everything annoys me, i get antsty etc. I think I may have upset a couple of work colleages before xmas as I was snappy in one meeting and think I may have upset a couple of people by my dismissive behaviour and I feel bad… but I don’t have the energy to really really care. I feel every day I struggle to care about anything. I mean I do my job, and do it well. Why can I not just take the time I need to deal… without people always pressuring me to do something!!! I miss my mum she understood… she calmed me down, she was my safe place. Now the house is empty, the heart is gone… I am struggling to cope more and more as time goes by, maybe the numbness has eased and now I am really trying to see a future. My dad and my cats are the only things keeping me in this world right now. They could survive without me but I … just don’t care about anything else. Sorry to vent like this but I feel like i am going crazy. I don’t know how to get out of this and to be honest I don’t want to move on. Does anyone else have some of these feelings?? Am I just being totally selfish?
I’m so sorry for your loss. I can relate to much of what you write, so if you’re going crazy I am too! But I think what we feel is natural under the circumstances. I lived with my dad for several years and he was my person (we lost mum long ago now). I’m not that social either, not quite introvert, but being with people drains me of energy while being with dad could give me energy instead. Without him it’s even harder to socialise, especially since I have so little energy to spare, and yet, that’s the advice you keep getting from friends and counsellors. I’ve tried that, I do try that, but as it takes more energy from me than I get, it doesn’t really help. It’s incredibly hard and like for you, my cat is what keeps me here right now. Sending many hugs.