Grief taken me by surprise

My dad died just over 4 weeks ago from an asbestos caused cancer. He was 85 and healthy until 15 months ago when his Cancer was diagnosed. He was given 6 to 9 months and although he became ill very quickly he actually lived much longer than expected. Once we had the prognosis I began to grieve. Somehow I thought this would help when he died and that I would not be so bad. I couldn’t have been more wrong and can’t come to terms with his loss

Hi Choccyface,

I’m the community manager here and I just wanted to say hello and welcome to the site. I’m so sorry to hear that your dad has died and that the grief seems to have blindsided you.

Even when a death is expected, it is still a huge shock. Four weeks is still very recent, so don’t feel that you ‘should’ be coming to terms with it. Be kind to yourself and give yourself a chance to grieve.

I’m glad that you’ve found this site, as many people do find it helpful to have a space to write down what they are feeling and be among others who understand. I see that you have already found and posted on another conversation with people with similar experiences - I hope you find it helpful chatting to them.

Was your dad cared for by a hospice? If so, they will normally offer some bereavement support to the family, which you may find helpful. Otherwise, you could contact an organisation like Cruse Bereavement: http://www.cruse.org.uk/

Thanks Priscilla, Dad was in a hospice but he had to be transferred to a Nursing Home. I think because I had grieved whenever there was a change in him and there were plenty that it would be easier somehow. How wrong I was, but it’s the price we pay for loving and being loved back x

Dear choccyface, firstly, I wish I had thought of a name as cool as yours when I made my profile on here!:slight_smile:

No truer words have been spoken than grief is indeed the price we pay to be loved and loved in return. In the great words of Shakespeare: “Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”

I also lost my birth father to cancer last year, I found myself also saddened by the changes that came in the short weeks passing bye, but he taught me a great lesson before he left us, “it’s important to celebrate the life of the ones you love that pass, as well as mourn, not to say one shouldn’t take all the time they need, but remember to focus on the blessing of having them in our lives to start with.” we were driving down a beautiful country road and it was like something out of a dream, these words will stay with me forever. I hope they bring you some comfort remembering all the times of happiness you shared with your dad and I send my love and prayers to you.

Amanda xox

Never thought of it as a cool name it’s just what I am, or would be if I could get away with it! The picture you painted of the drive with your father and those wise words are beautiful and so true.
I had ups and downs with my dad, he didn’t approve of my choice of religion, i became a Spiritualist gradually, not on a whim, about 25 years ago and as he was a Catholic he was very upset and angry. He must have though I’d gone over to the dark side. We got over it though and towards the end of his life he began to understand my beliefs.
I believe I have to make a choice, there is no stopping the grieving, we are going to grieve as your wise father said and that will take as long as it takes but at the same time i need to acknowledge that the pain is there because I you loved and was loved back.

Thank you so much Amanda for your lovely post. I am trying so hard not to think of his last few days but remember instead that he was so brave, I am very like him so I’m told and I will focus on the huge blessing and privilege of having him as my dad

Thank you so much for taking the time to send me those lovely words, you have given me something to hold on to and I also send you love and prayers

Lynne xxx

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