Hi, my son was stillborn 20 years ago and I am unable to look forward in my life. I now have two teenage children who I love to bits and a loving husband. I suffer from depression and anxiety and a ceaseless fear that something bad will happen to my youngest child. This is the first time I’ve approached a group about the effect the grief has had. How can talking about an event make you feel “better” when nothing can be done to change what has happened?
Hi you are right it wont change anything except sharing your thoughts and emotions, which are normal, help to lessen the intensity and might help you gain a different perspective.
It sounds like you were not given the right support 20 years ago and were not encouraged to grieve for the child you lost.
After such a significant loss of course you fear something happening to one of your other children.
It’s very unlikely that will be the case though, so If your fear is holding you back ,you might need bereavement counselling
to help you talk through the loss of your little boy.
With time and understanding and release from fear I hope you can carry on forward. You wont forget your first born but dont let fear rob you of the two teenagers you have.
Reach out. People care xx
My mum died in 2018. She had lost a baby boy in the 1950s and one of her last wishes was to find a long lost photo of him when he was few months old. He was still very much on her mind so I can understand that the loss you suffered 20 years ago is still affecting you to this day. During my nurse training I once spent a day on the labor ward with a couple who had to give birth to their baby who had died in the womb and it is an experience I will never forget.
It is good that you are reaching out to find help. Nothing can change what has happened but you may find that talking about it with other people who have gone through it will help you to find a better way to live with the loss. I think that in the past parents were not given the support they needed, making it much harder to grieve.
Everyone on this site has experienced the pain of losing a loved one, but not many posts I have seen were from people who have lost a baby. or gone through a still birth. There is a charity that offers support specifically for parents who have experienced that. It is called Sands.
This is a link to a page on their website where a father talks about a still birth 24 years ago. I thought you may find this, and other articles on there, helpful:
I’m sorry to hear of your loss. I had a look at the Sands site, thankyou for the link and thankyou for replying to my message.
Thankyou for your message. I’ll have a look into bereavement counselling, maybe it’s not too late for that.
Limey believe me it is never too late for bereavement counselling and I am so glad you have sought to speak about it now here on Sue Ryder. No it won’t change a thing but it can help you offload the burden a little bit and share with others who know how you’re feeling as maybe going through something similar. Well done you for reaching out and good luck. Always here if you need to talk big hugs