Grieving alone, silently

Hi, i lost my mum on 17th November 2022. She passed in my arms from Liver cancer. I stayed with her for 8 weeks as much as I could. In her final week, I moved into the care home she was in. As a carer myself, I tried my best to push fluids, get her to eat, but she gave up just after I did an early 70th birthday party for her. She told me then she’d had enough, but i didn’t think she’d only last 8 days after daying that. I feel like i didn’t do enough for her in that final week. Yes i slept by her side, played meditation music, had the lights low, kept her warm, still tried to push fluids, everything i could think of, but it wasnt enough, i shoukd have tried harder. My step dad wants me to scatter her ashes (i have them) but im not reasy still now to let mum go, she was my everything, i told her everything, we did loads together and i never missed an appointment with her and the consultants. I feel pressured into scattering her ashes because it’s what other people want. I found my brother after 30 years last week and had to break the news to him about Mum. He couldn’t find us, and a post on social media helped me track him down. He wants to be there when i scatter mums ashes, but hes just begun his grieving process, I’ve had 6 months amd still just cant let mum be free. Then on 25th April 2023, my biological dad passed away from COPD after only finding him a few years ago. I cant gieve for him because i dont know how to, we wernt close but he was still my dad. I dont know if im surpressing it because im still dealing with mum mentally. I dont know, i feel like im being stupid and selfish. What do you think? Xx


Hello @Charlie86 ,

I’m so sorry to hear about your mum and your biological dad. It sounds as though things are really tough at the moment and you are feeling so many different emotions right now.

I’m glad that you’ve been able to share how you are feeling here and I hope that you find the community a good source of support. Everyone here has experienced the loss of a loved one and will understand some of what you are going through.

I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that may help you right now.

I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.

Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.

Take care,

(Online Community team)

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Hi @Charlie86,
It sounds like your really beating your up about your mother’s passing, but it sounds like you did all you could, so be kind to yourself, if she was suffering, & as you say, she wanted to go, I know loosing a parent is a big shock, but there was nothing more you could of done. I’m sure your mom wouldn’t want you to blame yourself like this, & will no doubt of been comforted that you were with her & did so much for her in her final days.
My mom passed away 2 years ago, because of COVID we looked after her at home, it was horrendous.
When a parent passes, we feel the loss more because they were there for so much of our lives, they’ve been through so much with us, & because of what they mean to us. As for scattered your mom’s ashes, I understand that everyone around you may want to scatter them, as a sort of final goodbye, but this has all clearly been a big shock, & if you feel you need time to process, then tell them that, you shouldn’t let them bully you, this is a big decision, & if you resent them for pushing you into it now, & go along with it just to please them, that will only bottle up & feel more resentment later, I’m not saying to never scatter them, just to give you time.
I know this may sound nutty, but, if you’re anything like me, I used to tell my mom most things, not everything, but most things, maybe try talking to her, my baby passed away in 2007, I write to him every anniversary, as strange as it may sound, it’s actually quite therapeutic.


Hi, sorry for your loss. It sounds like you did everything you could to support your Mum, so don’t feel guilty. My Mum died in January and after her funeral my brother and I divided up her ashes. He scattered his portion on a family grave and in his garden. I put my portion in a large pot and have planted lots of flowers (all doing very well) along with a butterfly tribute. Seeing the pot brings me some comfort, as my Mum loved flowers. You must do what you want with the ashes, don’t feel pressured by others, there’s no hurry. Best wishes xx


Hi Charlie,
I lost my mum Dec 30 th last year and still have her ashes in my house.I can’t bear to put them in the ground so have kept them here as they comfort me
Don’t rush to do anything.Take your time and only do it when you are ready or keep them forever.
I did all the things you did for your mum.Stayed in the hosp with her 24/7 for three weeks then cared for her at home for three weeks going everything you did and I also feel guilty it wasn’t enough.I tried so hard to save her trying to get her to eat drink etc but I couldn’t.I really did try everything and never gave up hope even though she was on end of life care.I hate those words.I slept on the hosp chair next to her and on the settee at home every night.we played music talked, watched the stars from her bed looked at magazines and old photos.watched TV at 4am in the morning when she asked if she could watch TV.I did everything I could possibly think of but I failed too to save her and am riddled with guilt. I truly know how you are going through do much and it’s heartbreaking Do you have a partner to support you or anyone you can talk to.
Post on here anytime,rant,ask questions and share emotions because this site has helped me do much.its a godsend.
Will check in on you again tom but am thinking of you in the meantime and here for you ok
Deborah x


Hi Charlie,
I lost my dad in 2017 the day before my sons birthday, then lost my mum in 2022 on my birthday. Everybody had an opinion on what to do and when with their ashes. I told everyone in the family that I was going to plant a tree and scatter their ashes beneath it. The tree was going to a spot that mum and dad visited regularly to walk the dogs. As children we all visited this spot, there’s a lake and we used to swim in it.
Anyway I told everybody when and where then bought a Rowan tree( celts say it is a tree for protection). I got permission from the local charity and made a donation to them.
The tree was planted the day after my mums birthday, now everybody in my family goes whenever they want, they sit on the bench near it and tell mum and dad about their day. My famy have told me it was a brilliant idea. Whenever I go there the geese off the lake bring their goslings to see me, my mum and dad would have loved to see it.
You’ll know when the time is right and you’ll know what you want to do also.
My wife passed away a month ago 52 yrs young. She’ll be forever young now, that’s how I look at things. I’m going to America to scatter her ashes at sea next month. We travelled a lot and my wife told me she wanted to carry on travelling around the world so that’s what we are going to do.
Theres no right or wrong way to do these things, there’s just ways that bring you comfort.
When my dad passed I didn’t really get to say the things I needed, we hadn’t spoken for nearly 10 years. I’m sure your mum took comfort in having you there and she will have known how hard you tried for her.
Don’t beat yourself up about things you did your best that’s all you could have done.


What loving caring souls you are and believe me your mums know how much they were loved cherished and cared for by you please do not feel guilt for you did all you could do in the circumstances you were given god bless you in your grief sending love and hugs to you💖x


Thank you for your kind words.
How are you today ?
Deborah x

Morning ,i am doing okay thankyou for asking ,more importantly how are you all coping i know that it is easier said than done with what we are dealing with the overwhelming feeling of grief and loss and the realisation that life will not be quite the same is daunting to say the least but i still hold out hope to you all that we will oneday have the sunshine back in our lives ,because in reality life still goes on but for us at the moment we want it to stop so we can take time out to deal with the situation we find ourselves thrust into all we can do is breathe slowly go with every emotion you feel let it out in whatever way makes you have release as i said you are all amazing with what you have dealt with i am humbled that you have shared your anxieties and grief so beautifully please take comfort that you are loved and cared about on this forum keep fighting through and i hope oneday soon we will all emerge out of the darkness into the light i will pray for us all sending love and hugs :heartbeat:xx


Hi Joy,
We are all in this together and here for one another. Just reading a message sent to me sometimes lightens my mood as I know someone cares and that’s what it is all about. Sometimes it is all a person has and gives some sort of focus to each day. I have found replying and helping other people has helped me in my grief. Nothing will take the awful pain away but it helps when helping others. Hope I am making sense.
Give yourself time to heal and do that by putting yourself first no matter what it takes. I tend to sit in the garden and just have ME time. I love being on my own just to think and listen and sometimes to people watch. I drive to a beach and just sit in the car watching the sea, birds and beach sports etc. A flask of coffee and I am sorted just for a while
I have stopped talking to people about my mum because to be bluntly honest they dont care and I find myself rambling on to people who don’t understand so I have come to the conclusion that its pointless.
I have my wonderful memories photos and that’s everything to me.
We will come through all this heartache one day and of course we will be different people but we will survive somehow.
Keep in touch
Deborah x


Thankyou deborah for such a lovely uplifting message even in your grief you are comforting others with your wise words i shall certainly take with me your inspiring suggestions people do make a difference on this forum and I’m privileged to know all your personal stories thankyou again and i will keep talking it definitely helps sending out love to all xx

Hi Joy,
Keep posting Joy because it really will help you. It is heartbreaking reading everyone’s stories until you realise that people on her really understand, really care and really want to help each other.
I have never joined an online forum before but somehow I came across this one after my mum passed away last Dec and it has really been a godsend and saved me to be honest. I never thought I would even begin to get better but with the wonderful people who I now call friends I am starting to recover but very very slowly. I know they are there for me no matter what and they know when I am dipping and reach out straight away Isn’t that amazing . It’s precious and priceless.
It’s very early days for you and my heart breaks for you. Someone told me or I read somewhere that we have to start living a totally different life now and one we don’t want but life will never be the same as before even though we want it to be. I am struggling to even carry on without my mum let alone think of a new life but i know what people mean when they say that.
Grief hits all the emotions a thousand miles per hour, turns your world upside down and everything in life is left pointless. Saps every bit of energy out of you and crushes any enthusiasm you have for anything. It has made me feel rock bottom and changed my personality and outlook on life. Maybe that will change and i hope it does because my mum would want that.
I don’t make plans anymore because I just take each day as it comes. Small steps in everything . Getting through each day is enough. I don’t feel guilty if I don’t do anything because just sitting remembering memories is enough some days and drains me .
Just want you to know I am here for you and anytime you want to post please do so or PM me anytime I usually check most nights
Rest as much as you can under the circumstances and look after yourself by eating a little to keep yourself strong to try to get through each day. Cry and cry as much as you want and just do what you want to do. Don’t let anyone else tell you do this that and the other. Do what you want and what feels right for you ok
Thinking of you and big big hugs sent to you
Deborah x

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Thankyou i will xx

Hi Joy,
How are you doing today ?
Thinking of you
Deborah x

Hi Deborah I’m still very much in the mixed emotions stage ,mornings can be hard as my hubby would be here with me we were both retired i suppose it’s adjusting to a completely new way of life that i really don’t want to deal with it’s only been three weeks for me and still so raw but its lovely of you to ask i hope you are doing okay ,I’m about to venture out in a bit never easy on your own i avoid people i know when possible it’s too early to have to go into anything and i always end up crying anyway but oneday i hope to be in a better place god willing sending love to you joy x

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Hi Joy,
I am so glad you are going out. It will do you the world of good and as hard as it will be think how strong you are to do it. Three weeks is nothing and it is the raw time indeed. You just have to survive each hour let alone each day.
I am retired too so even that was a great adjustment so grief on top of it is even worse.
Small steps each day ok
Big hugs
Deborah x


Hi Joy,
How are you doing?
I have been away for 2 nights so only now checked my messages.
Hope you are doing okish.
Are you managing to go out at all ?
I try not to go out much and do online shopping etc I can’t bear to bump into people and having to talk about my mum, grief and the constant questioning.It is so much easier to stay in where I feel safe withing my house.
I cry I would say every day as anything and everything reminds me of mum. I have a broken heart constantly.
Thinking of you and hope you keep in touch
Deborah x

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Morning Deborah bless you i totally get how your feeling , i have my husband’s funeral on the 10th july he was my entire life for 49yrs and to say i am beyond consoling is an understatement, but i realise i must try to go forward because i have no option i know your mum is with you and watching over and will give you strength to carry on even though we are just starting out in this new existence i have faith that we will eventually be united with our loved ones, the up days i try to embrace best i can but the down days of which there are many i just cry and cry and let every emotion out it can be so exhausting this thing called grief and sadly i know we will carry this for the rest of our lives but i pray that the days months and years will get at least more bearable, sorry that I’m on a bit of a downer this morning i really hope you are doing a little better i truly understand how up and down this new life can be for us all thankyou for listening to me sending you love and hugs :people_hugging: xx

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