First time here. I’ll try to keep it brief.
Simon was my life. I adored him the moment I met him. It was entirely mutual.
We met, fell in love & moved in together within months.
Before a year was out he was involved in an RTA. Suffered life changing injuries and was in hospital for 5 months.
We both lost our jobs.
DHSS (as it was then) lost our benefits applications three times. We had no income for over 8 months. His pensioner parents paid our bills.
I spent 12-14 hrs/day on the ward at his bedside when he came out of ICU.
Our home was burgled while he was in hospital. I had to deal with the police, insurance, clearing up, securing the house from this as well as the investigation and insurance regarding his accident.
Medical malpractice lead to several further operations. One time they broke further bones when he was dropped off the gurney in the operating room.
Professional mal-practice by one of his nurses. Despite his open wounds & significant levels of pain medication she took him out of hospital in her own car. Hid his medical notes in her locker. Came to our house & told me they were in love. Due to his meds he was not capable of deciding what he wanted for lunch, let alone a new relationship.
When I flagged it up to the hospital I was branded a trouble maker and banned from visiting. He got MRSA & was put into isolation. After a week of him screaming in pain and demanding to see me the hospital relented and requested me to go visit. Of course I went. I loved him. I’d have done anything for him.
As soon as the MRSA was cleared he was released from their care with no home assessment, no pain meds, no care plan. No tranport. He had to sit across the back seat of the car. I couldn’t take him home because we couldn’t physically get him in the house so we went to stay with his parents in their bungalow.
As his condition changed and he could manoeuvre short distances without his wheelchair we visited home more & more frequently until he was able to manage stairs. Then we moved home, 9 months after his accident.
His pain levels were still not under control though and I spent most of the days helping him through the pain, cleaning his wounds and changing his dressings. Most nights I sat awake, worrying about every noise, scared we would be burgled again, while he cried in pain waiting for yet another doctor to come and administer pain relief.
Four years later he was eventually well enough for me to find a part time job.
My new boss set the pay. But boss became increasingly more demanding of my time & prayed on my weak state of mind. Boss threatened me with the sack if I didn’t take a significant drop in pay. I refused. He sacked me. Employment tribunal followed. Harrowing to say the least.
Eventually, 6 years after falling in love, 5 years after his accident, I broke.
I had a complete mental & physical breakdown and left the relationship & moved away to start rebuilding my life.
I broke his heart and I broke mine too.
Some years later I heard on the grapevine that his subsequent relationship had failed. Mine had also failed at a similar time.
We made contact again and would meet up whenever I was in the area. I was now living several hundred miles away, with a good job, a nice bunch of friends and a catalogue of failed relationships. None of them measured up to Simon.
Last year, 28 years after we met & fell in love, Simon died. He had been ill for a while. I knew but I was too afraid to go back.
I am devastated.
At his funeral it became apparent that he had never stopped loving me & wanting me back. Because I had left in the first place I didn’t feel I could ask to go back. I was also afraid that everyone would think I was going back for the wrong reasons (he’d had large compensation payout), but his family have said they would have welcomed me back.
I have wasted so many years without him. I have so so many regrets.
I’ve been in another relationship now for three years.
I feel disloyal to Simon for being in this current relationship, guilty that I wasn’t there for him and devastated that I missed the chance to get back together with him.
I also feel disloyal to my current partner for feeling this way about someone else. Until yesterday I had been bottling up all my feelings. Yesterday they all spilled out. So now he knows and he hasn’t taken it well.
I want to spend time, maybe even move, back home (ex’s area) to be close to all that was ours and familiar, but I am not ready to share any of that with current partner. (Also cannot permantly leave current area for several years due to commitments to my elderly parents).
I feel torn apart.
I grieved when Simon had his accident.
I grieved when I broke down & left him.
Now I’m grieving again.
I feel so utterly and totally broken-hearted.