Grieving Mum

I lost my mum, my best friend on the 10th January , she had been told 3 times in 2019 that she DIDN’T have Lymphoma even having all the symptoms, her consultant admitted her at at an outpatient appointment on the 10th December and he still took my hand and assured me it wasn’t anything sinister
She deteriorated day by day in hospital and on Christmas eve he had to retract and tell me it was Lymphoma. She didn’t have a chance she was a fit 70 year old who swam each morning then made sure she walked 10k a day. She went downhill so quickly and the hospital have admitted mistakes were made. She went to HDU on 3rd January but her body was done,she called for my dad who died when I was young I 1998, They had cleared out locker locker the last few days but she had harem pants and a matching top that she she kept telling me she would travel home in, so I couldn’t bear to take home. On the morning she passed I had gone home to be with my young son for a few hours, I fell asleep call came to say she was gone on own, when I got to hospital she was wearing her ‘going home’ clothes. I am so guilty I wasn’t there and also when I close my eyes I see her happy and laughing then gone in the outfit

Hi louise
I’m really sorry to see that your mum died recently. It’s such a huge shock to the system and 70 is no age at all. We always think we are going to lose them when they are ancient and bed bound but since my own mum died suddenly in june, I know this isnt the case.
My mum was 74 and did so much for me. She walked my daughter to the school bus every morning, then stopped in tesco for whatever shopping we needed.
She had our meals ready for us and I relied on her so much. I was always taking her out for pub lunches on my days off and running around doing things for her to repay her. She was such fun and loved us all so much.
In june she went into hospital for an operation and I left her telling her I would ring the ward to say hello that night and be back the following morning to being her home. We laughed and joked because the man in the bed next to her had handcuffs on and was a prisoner. I said trust you mum.
I got a phone call a couple of hours later to tell me that mum had suffered a severe bleed on the brain in the recovery room. Mum died the following day never gaining consciousness.
It has been the biggest shock of my life and almost 10 months down the line I still struggle so much without her.
My dad also died in 1998 aged 53.
There are plenty of us on this site who understand what you are going through. I try to distract myself by working, reading, gardening, doing things with my daughter but the lockdown is making things hard.
Have you got support from any siblings or friends at all?
Cheryl x

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I am so sorry to here this. And so heartbreaking that you and your mum were failed so badly by professionals. Though I honestly do believe people choose the moment they want to go, so maybe she was protecting you from that. It sounds to me as though you had an amazing relationship with your mum. Try to hold on to that and all the special times.
My mum died too in January of cancer, she was only diagnosed the April before even though she had been to the doctors for at least 6 months knowing something was wrong, but was repeatedly told it’s just the menapause. She was only 57 when she died and it breaks my heart so much. I feel so sad that my children have been robbed of their amazing grandma and all the times we had left to share. She loved life and brightened every room she entered. And I too close my eyes and see my mum. Though often I see her on her last week’s or on her bad days and it breaks my heart. Some days are better than others, but certain things or days just bring me back to those final weeks of her life.
This is my first post on here so I hope I haven’t made it too much about me. Just know you’re not suffering alone, and I am always a message away. It’s somehow comforting to know I am not the only one going through this.
Sarah xx

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Hi Cheryl, just noticed your reply, I’m so sorry to hear of your story that sounds utterly heartbreaking. It really is the little things you miss the most isn’t it? My mum always did the nursery run for me on a Tuesday and I often get ready Tuesday mornings thinking about that. So sad you didn’t have the chance to say goodbye properly to your mum but also lovely that your mum didn’t know she was going . There was no fear or anxiety before for her just love and laughter. Take care.
Sarah. Xx

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Hi Cheryl,
Our relationships with our mums seem very similar, and my dad was also 53 when he died. I have a younger brother who, but he struggles to talk about it and the lockdown I dont think is helping. I have close friends who check on me but struggle to talk to them aa they are all very lucky not to have experienced loss, and I feel like the think I should be over it. I am glad I posted on this site, its good to communicate with others in same situation. X

Hi Sarah,
I am so sorry too for your loss your mum was so young, January seems like last week, are you finding the lockdown is making things worse?
Louise x

Hi, I am so sorry.
I lost my mum on the 19th Feb, the day before my birthday. She was 64 and fit and well. She woke up fine and then lay down and died of a pulmonary embolism. I’m completely devastated.
I believe my Mum knows I love her and I wish I could have said goodbye I know she knew how loved she was.
I ache for my children, especially my oldest who is 7. She was close to her grandma. My grandma also meant everything to me and I so wanted that for my mum and daughters relationship. I just feel broken xxx

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I feel the lockdown is making me deal with it more I guess. How about you? I just have no distractions (other than a 2 and 5 year old :see_no_evil:), I’m normally busy with nursery/school runs and work etc. Now my partner tends to be doing a lot of the housework to keep himself busy (not complaining) so I then find myself scrolling through my mums Facebook or looking at old pictures etc. I feel lucky I was able to say everything I wanted to my mum before she left which I can see not everyone gets. And I have three amazingly supportive siblings and also my dad but like me, they are struggling too. Our mum was the head of the whole family, she went so over the top at every occasion possible. So we have all struggled today with it being Easter without her. Xx

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Hi Lisa2, that is so awful. I am so sorry for you. I’m sure your mum will have known just how much she was loved by you. Try to take comfort in the fact she didn’t have to mourn leaving you, I know my mum struggled everyday knowing she was going and what she was leaving behind.
It’s so awful for the children, but they seem to bounce back so much quicker than we do don’t they? It’s the heartbreak of the memories that could have been made isn’t it. I know I feel so robbed of my children’s time with their grandma as I’m sure you do too. Take care and go easy on yourself. One day at a time.
Sarah xxx

I know my mum would have hated being unwell. She had PTSD from having a baby that died before me and would have struggled (although this was something she had always hid very well).
I am so sorry you had to watch your mum become unwell, I guess I will never experience that pain.
I feel that you need your mum when your young but then you get a second need for them when you have young children. I relied upon her so much, especially for emotional support. I guess you never stop needing your mum x

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I feel like it has made it all seem so harder, my son is 13 so doesn’t need me as much and before the lockdown I had started going through my mums things aa we have to sell her house. So although painful it was keeping me busy. My husbands a manager in retail so he has to go to work every day and then I start worrying that he’ll get sick. I do though have 2 handsome dogs who give the best cuddles. So I’m thankful for that.
Take care x

Hi Sarah
Thank you. I’m sorry that you lost your mum at such a young age. Life is truly rubbish at times x

Hey so thank you to everyone response on this group, Fri 15th May was my mums birthday., 4 months after she passed. I have been awake now since Thursday morning and I am sitting here now at 4.30am listening to the birds singing and watching the sun come up, lockdown aside my mum, my husband and and son should be getting ready to go on our annual birthday holiday as we all share birthdays within days of each other. We are very lucky to live where we are woods to one side and beach to the other, my mums house was the other side of the woods. I am numb I still cannot believe this is how my life is now…However I would like to sat how much I have found comfort in this group! Thankfully I found it at a time I think I was at the worst possible place xx