Hi. My boyfriend of almost a decade is struggling to cope with the loss of his dad. He constantly pushes me away and takes regular space away from me. Most of our conversations are lost in translation and seen as more threatening to him than comforting. He has stepped into a new stage of grief where he loves me one minute and hates me another. It’s hard to keep up with his emotional and behavioral changes. I would never leave him as we have been through a lot together but never a death of a parent. I just don’t know what’s normal and what’s not when it comes to grieving. Any help is appreciated…
Oh bless you, that’s a really tough one.
My experience has been similar, but i am the one that has lost my dad. I’m struggling with my boyfriend being quite “needy” and wanting me to be at his house, or with him and his daughter, but all i want to do is be in my own home, with my daughter (who is 17) and be with my mum, who is really struggling coming to terms with the loss of her life partner of 67 years (married 63 of them)
Im not suggesting you are being the same way as my b/f at all, but i guess we all react to losing a parent very very differently.
Does he still have his Mum? If so, how is she coping? Is he supporting her, or wanting to be with her more now? I spent a huge amount of time with my Dad before he passed away, i even moved back into my parents house to care for him in his last 5 weeks. But we have always been so very close.
All I can suggest, is -
︎ give him time (how long ago did his dad pass?)
︎its not personal to you, he’s just not been in this place before
︎ the feelings are so overwhelming sometimes, i just dont want to talk to anyone, but then other times i desperately need company or someone to hold me.
Im so sorry you are both going through this, of course, you will be grieving aswell, youve been together a long time.
My b/f lost his Mum in 2012, his wife in 2013 & his dad in 2014. He understandably lost the plot for a while, but he has coped amazingly well. Some people do
Just be there for him, be patient and try not to take it personally.
I hope this helps
First and foremost thank you for responding🙏. I think you’re right I do think i have come off incredibly selfish & needy. I don’t quite know how to support anyone through this type of loss and have never experienced this kind of loss myself. I think selfishly I am afraid to lose him through all of this so I am not giving him the space that he probably needs because of my own fears of losing him. It doesn’t help that his mom is deteriorating as well and he has said he is scared. I don’t want to lose him but I think I am making it worse by not respecting his space boundary.
Forgot to answer. It was the one year anniversary of his passing in February
Please please talk to him, be honest - or you could show him these messages if you struggle to find the words at the right time.
My mum is also deteriorating and I’m so scared of losing her aswell. Its an awful time and there is literally no text book written on how to cope because everyone is so different.
My Dad has been gone 7 months, but in all honesty, my grief is getting worse not better. Its like reality has now set in. I was so lucky to have had such a special relationship with my dad and spent so much time with him all of my life (I’m now 56, my dad was 83) but the closer you were the harder it is i think.
Just be honest with him, and yes, let him know you are there for him but also let him know you will give him some space.
Take care xx
I totally get it.
I lost my partner of 22yrs and today is the 1yr mark of her passing.
Personally myself i have moments of anger and no fault of anyone i show it to them who’s there.
I have also never experienced death until now and i still really suffer with grief.
I dont know about your situation but for me i cared for my partner for 3yrs from diagnosis to the day she passed.
I get horrible reminders of her final days if i am not busy.
I get angry when things go wrong for me.
He needs his time to get things manageable and cope with this loss .
Its an awful situation to be in and theres no right answer.
Just be there ,support when he needs it.
When he is ready he will give you so much respect and more as you were there when he needed you ,listened when he needed to be listened to and thats what he needs at moment.
You learn when your doing things right.
Wish you all well.