Yeah life is very precious. It’s to precious to waste on people who say they love you but do nothing but mess us about
I’ve been through after I lost my mum 7 years ago. I’ve been hurt so much with this grief I can’t let my partner hurt me no more for me to trust she won’t hurt me again shed have to treat me better than she does.
17 years is very long time to be with someone who has changed for the worst. I think we both changed when our mums went I didn’t see at the time. How could I have seen it I ask myself. I was to wrapped up in my own grief trying to in vain support her. As time moved on she became to financially reliable on me like paying her rent I’ve been doing for many years. Other week I told her I have to think about my future when I retire from a very stressful job. I work in enforcement getting a lot of abuse from the idiotic public. I said to my partner I can’t continue paying her rent I wouldn’t mind paying it if lived with her but I don’t. Her reply was so I’m worried sick I’m going to make her homeless. To me that’s laying guilt trip on me trying to manipulate me into continuing to pay her rent. Yes it would make her homeless I couldn’t live with myself knowing that. What makes it harder for me is her daughter and her granddaughter would end up being homeless. I’m very close to her daughter and her beautiful granddaughter. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for her granddaughter she’s my world. so I am in precarious situation I can’t live like this no more
I am sorry you are going through this Steven and thank you for your insight. I genuinely think my partner is hurting too and surrounded in a world of grief and I feel helpless because he’s not letting me in. I know I can’t fix it, nobody can but I can be there. I guess it is his choice if he doesn’t want me to 'be there 'I just wish he would be honest with me ; maybe he doesn’t know what he wants, all I know is that I would and will support him all I can.
17 years is a long time. I am sorry that you and your Partner have both been hurt by Grief. I also get the part you mean about trust . Trust to me is a big part of a relationship as is Love, Respect and of course Communication. How can you have a relationship without Communication?
I’m sorry your job is so stressful too. Enforcement roles I know are difficult and stressful , doesn’t help stress levels or relationships. You are a good person for paying the rent that is really kind of you. I sometimes think we can’t spend our lives being responsible for other people , their actions or life choices. Sometimes we have to think of ourselves and our own health. I’m guessing your partner must have been aware that you can’t work in your role indefinitely. I am glad that you have a really good relationship with your partners daughter and grand daughter , it made me smile . You are right , we are going to get to the point when we will have to do what is right for us , whenever that will be
No you have to have communication in any relationship. Without it you can’t be in a relationship. It just doesn’t work. You really are going through it. I feel sorry for you. It must be so difficult for you knowing what to do. You do have to put yourself first. I’m a fine one to talk.
Yes I’ve been in this job for 8 years now and although I love what I do I’m 10 years from retirement and I’m worried about what amount of income I’m going to live on. My partner’s daughter who works in debt and finance reckons it’s a con to put money into a pension as a top up. I’d be better of putting money into an isa but I can’t as I’m giving my partner her rent money. My partner can’t say to me look don’t worry don’t pay my rent no more you look after yourself. I feel she’s that selfish she is more concerned with herself. I do feel im going to have to be cruel to be kind as much as I love her.
We’ve tried living together full time it didn’t work in three times we tried. Problem isn’t just her daughter it’s my partner to. Changes would have to happen for me to feel any different but I can’t see the changes would be made.
You’re right we have to come to the right decision for us. I hope you find what’s best for you
One thing I do think love just isn’t enough to stay together
Thank you Steven. I do find it very difficult to put myself first when I know deep down he will be in such pain. It’s not knowing what is happening and being basically being shut down, I just don’t know. I can totally understand you need to plan for your future too, especially financially, it sounds like you work very hard and quite rightly you need money to live on for your retirement. I don’t know much about top up pensions and Isa’s but I think you can get some financial advice for free on the Government website, I’m not sure , my phone is playing up tonight . Do you think it would help if you and your partner could sit down ( even if you’ve done this before ) and have a conversation about this and your retirement plans ? With my situation I still don’t know what to do, I really dont . I feel like it’s a lottery. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. Sadly you are right , love alone as much as I want it to be isn’t enough that is the stark truth and that makes me so sad x
Thank you for all your input Steven. I certainly have a lot to think about . Life is never easy it is x
Steven , hope the abovd Government website helps, states it’s free and independent
Hi I know what you mean. It is hard to put yourself first but you should do it. Do it for your own well being. God knows I’ve had times I haven’t followed my own advise. My mum leaving me taught me so much about myself. It didn’t happen overnight it took a small amount. I reckon I’d already changed when I took this job. I found I had inner strengths and a determination I never thought I had. I’d even 6 months after starting my job found I’d lost 7 stone In weight it’s this job all the walking I do. I was 19 stone. I think the grieving contributed to my weight loss. When I look at myself I’m still amazed at the person I am now. I don’t think my partner doesn’t see the person I see.
Yes I’ve tried to talk to her couple of times. She tries to turn it to herself and to be honest I’m sick of it. I reckon I’m going to make it crystal clear this financial dependency on me is now going to stop and I’ll say to her if you want to end us then that’s fine. Thads when I’ll find out if she truly doesn’t want to lose me.
Thanks I’ll check out the website
That’s an amazing weight loss ! Well done . I 've woken up today, I can hear the birds , the sun is out yet I feel like my heart feels like lead. I really don’t want to feel this way . I feel like I’m grieving him and all I want is him back . You 've done amazing you really have. I am sorry talking hasn’t worked. You have to do what is right for you and navigate this difficult journey called life. I just wish it wasn’t so difficult for either of us tho I acknowledge your pain is worse than mine for which I 'm sorry x
Steven, I am glad you found soo much strength and determination. You have done amazing you really have . I am not sure if these are the right words but I feel , I know even your Mum would be so proud of you . She really would. I know it is going to be a difficult conversation with your partner and if you decide to go ahead with that conversation I will be thinking of you. You have to do what is right for you . I wish life wasn’t soo difficult for any of us x
Yeah life is difficulty enough as it is. No it’s ok thanks yeah my mum would be proud. I seen my mum once in my dad’s car I was in work she saw me in my uniform she wasn’t very well even then but she had a huge smile on my face. It’s a day I’ll never forget.
Thanks that’s really nice of you I’m sure when time is right I’ll have that conversation with my partner. I just hope you can sort things out with your partner fingers crossed x
Yes the time has to be right for you , true words . I’m glad your Mum smiled that is a precious memory . I hope we can, still not heard from him in 16 days . It is an awful feeling x
Yeah sometimes things have a way of sorting themselves out. Maybe having bit of faith may help. Way id see it if it’s meant to be it’s meant to be.
Today is so nice suns out though bit cold. I’m walking my beat until 5pm I started at 7am then I’m of for four days. At the moment I’m taking a minute music in my ears thinking about my mum and what I wouldn’t give to have her back. I sometimes imagine what it would be like if this wasn’t real and I was calling my mum just to hear her voice I’d get to say mum where did you go I dreamt you’d left me don’t ever do that again. But then it’s not going happen I go back to knowing it’s real
I know one thing I know where my mum is. I’ve always known x
I have to confess I’m having problems having faith. Maybe just my headspace today. And there lieth the problem Steven I genuinely thought that we are meant to be . Sun has disappeared, I almost want to day Lol but it isn’t funny. 10 hrs is a long shift and time to contemplate too. Hope it’s a ‘q’ one and not too many well let’s say 'idiots ’ to deal with today. I hope you can do something nice on your days off. Grief is such a journey and I’m sorry it is a hard path to follow Steven x
Hi sorry for late reply work was hectic yesterday and when I got home I was worn out I needed a very early night I hope your well.
I know what you mean I’ve had days where I’ve had no faith in anything but I think sometimes you have to tell yourself to find faith.
Good thing is I’m of now for four days it goes way to quick my rest days. I do nothing but rest I just got to work from Good Friday to Easter Monday and nice thing is I get time and half pay and two lieu days.
Do you work to? I hope I’m not prying.
Have good day x
Hi Steven, absolutely no need to apologise, your input , support , advice has been amazing. Thank you x This Community is such a help .I’m not surprised you get tired I think most people would with long shifts. You are right , it is good to keep the faith. I’m just still struggling to get my head around no contact, not even a quick text . From this Community and yourself I am learning that Grief affects people in so many ways ; a unique journey . As you say we need to keep the Faith. I am trying. Hope is very powerful too.
Rest sounds like a very good plan. I hope you can maybe do something you enjoy too on your time off. Time is soo precious. No you’re not prying at all, not at the moment I had to leave my former career due to a health condition that wasn’t compatible with the role. That job has changed as awful lot so I’m told . I do understand what it is like to work shifts so I do totally get the need to sleep and ‘re-set’. Bonus with the extra money and lieu days . Something to look forward to. I hope you have a restful day x
Steven I meant to add I haven’t messaged him for a few days . I’ve no idea if it is the right thing to do. Only time will tell . Thank you again for all your kindness. I hope you have a good day x
Good evening.
I’ve just realised I don’t know your name.
Well I hope he texts you back. Good luck.
Yeah I’ve found this community a great help in the months I joined. Everybody is lovely on here the support is amazing
I hope you’re well and you’re having a good day. I’ve done nothing but relax I’m just dreading going back to work this Friday. I got two more days to go.
Have good evening x
Hi Steven, my name is Kate. Thank you . I hope he does too. It’s been nearly 3 weeks with No contact from him. It’s very, very, hard as I don’t know what’s happening, just can’t get my head round not even a small text from him. You think you know someone. Maybe not. He will be in soo much pain and the thought of that is awful. For now all I can do is wait . My days aren’t great at the minute they seem to drag on despite having more than enough to occupy my time as I’m worried about him. Again I know it will be a lot worse for him with what he is going through. I just wish I knew if he wanted me in his life; I’m feel like I’m in limbo . Maybe he doesn’t know what he wants . 7 weeks isn’t a long time and I know it will be so much for him to process. He will be devastated by the loss of his mother . Grief is so awful.
You are right though, this is an amazing Community . I am so greatful it exists.
Thank you again Steven your insight is helping me so much and it is nice to hear about your day and what is happening with you too. It almost takes my mind off what is happening if only for a short time when you share your day, it gives me another focus and helps me understand what he will be going through. So thank you.
Anyway I am glad you have had a relaxing day. They are the best days aren’t they .
I hope you can relax some more and maybe not think so much about your return to work. Tricky I know.
If it’s ok to ask what shift do you go back on ? Kate x
And have a nice evening Steven x
Good morning Kate.
Yeah that’s how I feel about my partner I thought I knew her but she’s not the same person I fell in love with. The thing is I know her better than she knows herself I am seriously fed up of her. You’d have to see what I see
I work 4 days a week with four days of I’m in work from 8am until 6pm except Sundays when it’s a 7am start until 5pm. Working Sundays is pointless as there is hardly any cars around on the streets especially from 7am but management want us to catch cars book them from 7am if they’ve been left parked from the night before. They could be cars on double yellow lines or bus stops taxi ranks zig zags all instant bookings. We have to get a minimum of 10 bookings a day it’s not an actual requirement it’s not a target as it’s illegal to set targets. At the end of the day I’ve still done my job if I’ve had no bookings as it’s all about enforcement and it just means people are behaving themselves. It’s a hard job walking and managing your beat all day but I love it.
It’s just the abuse it get drivers seem to think it’s my responsibility they are parked illegally it’s them that’s made the choice but with the abuse I don’t respond to it. It’s not worth it.
So do you mind me asking what job you did? X