Hello everyone, I am seeking advice regarding my partner because I do not know what else to do. Apologies my post is a long.
My partner sadly lost his elderly mother 7 weeks ago after a long illness.We have been together for 6 years. We have known each other for over 25 years, he is my best friend . We don’t live together, due to current circumstances our main form of communication is text, I am in a different country to him. Prior to the passing of his Mother we had a good, loving relationship.
I have been trying to support him through his grief as best as I can. However, I have not heard from him in 2 weeks. Through a third party, I have thankfully confirmed that he is safe. I understand that he is grieving and going through a very difficult time. We had a disagreement a few weeks ago that was emotionally charged for both of us but I thought we got through that and we had contact after that. I have been sending him supportive texts regularly, if I hadn’t heard from him in a few days he would always say it was lovely to get my texts . Since I now haven’t heard from him in 2 weeks it feels like perhaps even a little supportive text a day has been too much ?
I had expressed in my texts that if he needs space or if my small messages are too much he should let me know. However, I have received no response. I last messaged him a few days ago, expressing I was here for him and I have made no contact with him since for fear of overwhelming him. I am worried that he may think I am upset with him for the lack of contact, which is not the case, I have tried to convey my love and support through my messages. I’m not saying I always get it right , far from it, I just feel as though I am in the dark.
I am aware that he has been physically unwell. I am uncertain if he has accepted his mother’s passing, as he mentioned that he kept envisioning her death and struggled with even basic tasks such as cleanliness. It appears that he may be experiencing trauma symptoms in addition to potentially being depressed and anxiety. This must be an incredibly difficult time for him.
Before the no contact, I have gently encouraged him to reach out to his GP for professional help and suggested outside counselling organisations when he feels ready. I have of course always said I am here to listen or whatever he needs when he feels ready.
He has not at anytime expressed a desire to end our relationship or to have space, he simply has not communicated with me for 2 weeks or responded to my texts . This period included a significant birthday and Mother’s Day, which will clearly have impacted on his emotions.
I am concerned about the status of our relationship, as it seems like he has emotionally withdrawn. I would appreciate any advice on what to do or what not to do because I honestly don’t know what to do. I know 7 weeks is a very short space of time for grieving
Hi km11
I’m sorry to read of what you’re both going through.
I am no relationship expert but I am someone who is grieving the loss of my mum my nan and my partner’s mum I was very close to. I cannot imagine how hard it must be for you both it can’t be easy being in miles away you must feel frustrated not being able to chat face to face. Have you tried writing him a letter? Or even asking him if you go and visit but don’t make it obvious you want to chat about the relationship as like you said it’s only been 7 weeks since he lost his mum.
The one thing I have experienced about grief is there is no time limit. His head will be everywhere. When I lost my mum I didn’t want anyone near me I just wanted to be alone I still have days like that since I lost my mum over 7 years ago. In grief you go through horrible feelings of loneliness and well meaning people who have never the loss of a parent don’t have the first clue how it is for the grieving.
In a way not exactly not like you I’m in a 17 year relationship we don’t live together but my partner I believe is suffering from what’s called silent grief. She won’t communicate her feelings of grief towards me. I do the same because I don’t want to upset her though I do dearly want to tell her how I’m feeling. All I can do is be there for her like I always am. I think that’s all you can do is just be there maybe when he’s ready he’ll tell you how he’s feeling.
I’m sorry this isn’t much help good luck
Hi Steven,
Thank you for taking the time to reply. It is so kind of you.
I am so sorry for the loss of your loved ones that yourself and your partner have experienced. I truly am.
I feel broken having had no contact with my partner for 2 weeks I know he is grieving and thank you for helping me to understand that he wants to be alone.
I can’t visit him, please understand this isn’t through my choice. I am crying as I write this as all I want to do is hold him and I can’t.
I have to have hope for us because right now hope is all I have.
Is it best that I ‘refrain’ from messaging him for a while ( I’m thinking maybe a week or longer ?) Or just leave him be ? I haven’t messaged him in a few days. I want him to know I’m there for him but I understand it is still very early days. The last thing I want to do is cause him more pain.
Thank you for the letter suggestion again I’m not sure when I should write that and send it. Should I say that I love him and miss him in that letter but I understand he needs alone time?
Apologies for the questions. I just don’t know if I’m doing right from wrong
Hi km11. For the first 4 weeks after losing my mother the pain was so bad i literally wanted to crawl into a hole and hide. At that point i didnt want any contact from friends, but then after that i began to feel desperately lonely with my pain but unable to reach out.
Does your partner have a support network around him - family/friends who are nearby and can be checking on him ? If he is shutting himself away, you need to have some reassurance he is safe, and if he is not taking care of himself, his support network need to be there for him, even if its to bring him a meal or sit with him in silence. Its about letting the person know that you’re there with them in their pain, not trying to solve it, alleviate it or move them on.
I personally would continue texting daily as you have given him the option to say if its too much. Nothing that is demanding of him in any way - just that youre thinking of him, youre there when he wants to talk or even sit on the phone in silence with you. Can you record a voice note/message? I found hearing someones voice was comforting. When you are in pain its REALLY hard to reach out and make contact, especially if you havent heard from the other person for a while.
If he feels unable to speak to a professional right now, there is a sue ryder text messaging service where you can get regular supportive texts and advice sent to you - it might be worth sending him the link? https://sueryder.grief.coach/
Hi Ally, thank you soo much for taking the time to reply. I am so sorry for your loss x
I think he wants to crawl away and I know Mothers Day and a significant birthday this week would have been awful for him. I ve been emotionally charged and I know that won’t have helped him but I can’t change that. He thankfully does have people around him so i’m comforted that he is not alone. I will message him. I will take that risk as I feel it is important he knows I am there for him. Is it ok to say I love him in the messages or do you think that will be too much for him ?
Thank you so much for the link and all your help. I am so very grateful to you x
Its impossible to tell what words will soothe and what words will jar. Everyones grief and relationship with their loved one is so different. For me it represented a loss of that one person who loved me unconditionally, and who would nurture/care for me, so i feel totally abandoned and that i could drop off the face of the earth and no one would notice. I would have thought “i love you/im here for you if you need me” would be ok, but id steer clear of “i miss you” because that could make him feel you need something from them he simply doesnt have the resources to give right now. Sorry, theres no manual on this stuff but if you read some of the other threads youll see some of the things that really jar those who are grieving!
there was another woman who wrote on here with the same problem.
she stepped back and gave him the space he was implying he wanted, needed.
I think it resolved itself favorably to her.
grief or not, when a partner distances, the standard advice is to give them the space they seem to be intimating they want. you might try it. and after a few months or what you deem acceptable, you have every right to break it off as you deserve some respect and notice, as well.
“follow me, I flee. flee me, I follow.” old Italian love advice.
Thank you for your reply x Well I really don’t know what to do now. My concern is that if I make no contact then he may go ‘inside himself’ and feel there will be no way back for him to me. My plan was for a very small text a day not loaded with emotion just supportive. He has had opportunities to let me know if a message is too much I have asked this in previous texts , granted he hasn’t replied but I would have hoped that he would have dropped me a line to say leave me be. He Hasn’t said he wants a break or space. I unsure what to do now
So difficult isnt it? How well do you know others in his support network - is he not contacting them either? Then you would know at least whether he feels he needs space in this relationship or whether he is shutting the whole world out. Is it not possible to have a phone call with him rather than just text? Or ask one of his friends/family to talk to him? Youre always going to be second guessing when the communication is one way. Whatever you decide, id always make it clear to him that if he wants more/less contact he only needs to say, and if you decide to suddenly reduce contact, make sure you explain why. So much initial support from friends disappears after the first few weeks - you wouldnt want him to think youve done the same.
Hi Ally I don’t really have contact with his family . You are right I am second guessing ; just in the dark. If I do continue to message thank you for the idea to ask if it’s ok . I 've rung him a couple times but no answer and didn’t want to overwhelm him on that side. I just don’t want to give up on him or us x
but he KNOWS you care. and as a male, they may grieve differently. I think his silence is trying to tell you something. I have had such troubles and I just left him alone. if he wanted to, he would, they say.
If that was me I’d of walked away along time ago. There’s only so much you can put up with.
I’m In a relationship if you can call it that where I know my partner is grieving for her mum like I am mine. But she won’t show she’s grieving I think they call it silent grief but it’s affecting us. I feel unwanted unloved and like a spare part. If it continues her and I will be going our separate ways. I truly believe she thinks I won’t walk away. She’s got a shock coming
Steven thank you for replying and sharing with me x Again I am so sorry for your loss and what you and your partner are going through x I am truly am.
The way I am looking at it is that it is still early days for my partner and his head as you’ve previously indicated must be a jumble. Im just at a loss as to why he couldn’t just send a short text asking for space/ no contact if that is what he wanted as opposed to just literally disappear on me. He has literally disappeared. Not something I’d ever expect from a man who says he loves me and wanted to spend his life with me. From my side I’m not eating or sleeping well my own emotional wellbeing is in termoil , I know nothing in comparison to what he is going through, absolutely not, but I dont know how much longer it can continue with no contact. Grief changes everything for people. I don’t know what I am going to do. Thank you again for your kindness Steven and I really do wish you the best x
Seriously if I was you and I know I’m not but I would think if that’s how he’s going to treat me I would call it a day. You have to think about your self worth and happiness rather than wait for him to contact you.
I am close to ending it with my partner I’ve been with for nearly 17 years she treats me like I’m nothing. I feel worthless to her
Thank you Steven x I am so sorry you feel this way with your partner, it isn’t what any of us want with the person we love. I feel abandoned, unloved and confused. You are right, we all have to consider our self worth. I still have it in my head if nothing else he could have managed a little text telling me what he wanted; but nothing . Just nothing for 2 weeks . Maybe he thinks I’m annoyed with him . I’m not . I love him. Thank you for your kind words and help, Steven it is appreciated and I really hope you come to the best decision you can for you x
Wow 2 weeks. That’s crazy. I’m sure you’ll make the right decision in the end.
You are spot on. I do feel like when she says she loves it’s just words to her. I don’t feel loved by her I feel like I’m nothing to her. Get this only time she kisses me is when I’m getting out of her car. And does blame it on her hormones which is she isn’t willing anything about. She reckons she’ll get cancer if she takes hrt hormone replacement tablets. I am sick of her lame excuses she’s going right way to losing me.
If I do end up single I’ll be staying single permanently I can’t be doing with the hassle no more
I have a lot of thinking to do. I am concious since his grieving we’ve had a couple of emotionally charged 'discussions ’ which I blame myself for, that won’t have helped. I can’t change that and I must stop overthinking it. 2 weeks is a long time in my mind to not make the smallest of contact with someone you love ; someone you tell is the love of your life. I really hope you make the right decision for you . That we both do. Life is precious isn’t it x
you come to the best decision you can for you x