Grieving the dead and a living person

I lost my father 2 years ago and was in the middle of setting up a home for my 3 children that were living with me then aged 17(son)… 14(son)… and 10(daughter)…my oldest son left at 18 to go to Uni and I was left with thd two youngest.
the sin aged 14 had presented previously to behavioural issues…kept running away…was abusive to me and his siblings…and was never able to sustain a mood other than aggression and emotionally damaging abuse…I sought out help with social care but he was just allowed to carry on with his parental alienation… he failed to maintain his schooling by being uninterested in lessons…was disruptive at every opportunity…yet no-one took responsibility and made him engage in therapy…he was told he could accept or decline help…
After being attacked with a pedal and in retalliation biting my son to stop the attack I was arrested…and on release I attempted my life and then the social care attempted to take my children but were unsuccessful as the judge saw their failings and had witnessed more than 24 emails to different organisations over my son…I requested he go into voluntary care and for a time he improved…wanted to be home more than there…but I couldn’t cope with him…as he wouldn’t engage with professionals…
He is in supported accommodation and is being evicted…we have a better relationship but he always wants money as he lives on UC…he also smokes weed and at times he is kind but he reverts back to hostility if I say something he doesn’t like or don’t dish out cash to help him…
More recently my grief for my dad was heightened as I would turn to him and he would advise and say it how it is…!!!
I got depressed in lockdown…suffer from BPD…PTSD…Depression…Anxiety…and recently diagnosed Bipolar…I have always given so much to my family…love…time…nice things…a clean home…yet they lack respect for me…they don’t care about my feelings…
My youngest then aged 13…was an avid horse rider since aged 3…we had many days loan sharing horses until August when I brought her a horse and we carried on escaping daily to care for her …I felt proud to give my youngest her dream…we were a team
.over the course of four months we were inseparable with the horse duties and I was the happiest I’d been knowing she was doing well at school and riding lessons…love…time…and a bond with our horse…
The car broke down and she was very cold towards me…saying I should buy another car…and I was a let down…
I got the car repaired arranged help for our horse*Tilly… as it wasn’t local to our home…and arranged a courtesy car so we didn’t loose time with her…nothing I did seemed good enough…she was having lots of money spent on her livery etc abd care of Tilly in excess of £450 month…yet she carried on acting selfishly towards me for not having the money for a new car…
We had befriended a lady from a former yard…and she started saying it would be better if she could stable Tilly there…even though it was further away for us…then she said she didn’t want a disabled mum…and I was made to feel inadequate with her overall attitude…I know teens are hormonal but she was not interested in being happy with my efforts…the days J had felt exhausted and in pain with my spondylitis and numerous surgeries…
She asked to go to this lady for a sleepover as my mood had finally hit a low point…and she then never returned…aged 13…social care allowing her to stay despite my parental rights and no concerns just that I had diagnosed MH and physical limitations on my bad days…despite which I pushed through the pain and limitations as seeing her happy was my aim…plus she was my world like the rest of my children.
I attempted to see her and bring her home but she told me to go away and die and was horrific in her attitude to me…J sent texts tried calling…all the occasions when she responded this lady was in earshot…calling out nastiness…even wished me dead the night before a surgery a few months ago…now I don’t hear from her she has put my calls to voicemail…noone helps…solicitors said I would need to pay for court costs to get a contact order…despite there being ni court orders in my child deeming me unfit or unsafe…I have lost out on 9 months so far…not without one sided effort…I am grieving the living and my father…no-one can imagine my pain outside…life is just a ritual of sleeping…rising…eating…there is my other kids yet they are all so selfish except my oldest daughter and grandkids…
I am starting to wish I could just fall asleep and never wake up as I am in so much emotional pain…I miss her and the kids I had have all turned into entitled…rude…brats…
I am so lonely…there really is nothing left to carry on for…
I hope someone on here can relate…Its my last hope…
Sorry to vent…
Annii…

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