Grieving with children

I lost my husband on the 6th September 2022. He was 41. We were together 17 years and would have celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary In October We have 2 children 10 and 14 and I’m now back at my full time job. My main priority has been the kids and helping them to greive but I’m that exhausted I find that I have not had the chance to grieve properly for my husband. I’m up and down emotionally but I fear that by breaking down in front of the kids it will hinder the progress they’re making accepting that their dad is gone. I need to be strong for them but I am using up all my strength trying to Hold everything together. My kids are fantastic and Im Sure they would be their with cuddles if I did break down in front of them but I’m worried that because I’ve bottled up the majority of my grief for 2 months that when I do focus on it I’m going to be drowning in it. My kids are the only reason I get up in the morning. But I fear that if I let the grief out I’m not going to be any use to them when they need me the most. Just to add my you gest is currently under the doctor for panic attacks which started after his dad passed and I don’t want him to have to worry about me too.

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Dear @Embea84.

I’m am truly sorry for the loss of your husband.

The one sentence in your post which bothers me the most is,

'But I fear that if I let the grief out I’m not going to be any use to them when they need me the most.’

I fear that if you don’t let your grief out, you’re not going to be of any use to your children at all. I think we’re all guilty of trying to hide our feelings from our kids but honestly, I think they need to know that we miss their dad as much, but probably more, than they do.

So far, you are doing fantastically well but if you don’t allow yourself to grieve, you will crash. It’s great you’ve returned to work as I believe some form of normality and structure in our lives can only be good for us and those around us. I returned to work a month after my husband passed and found it to be the best thing for me. However, normality should be combined with some form of grieving. Try to take some time out for yourself. I walk or sometimes just sit alone, outside or inside but preferably outside, alone with my thoughts. I love the wind blowing through my hair and on my face, it’s like my man is caressing me as my thoughts turn to him alone. Also, perhaps try writing to your husband telling him how you feel, what the kids are up to, anything and everything. My journal is very precious to me and very private. I often write last thing when I’ve gone to bed.

@Embea84 you have made a good start by coming on this forum. Here you will find strength and understanding. Stay with us and you will realise you are not alone.

You are obviously a very caring lady and your children are, of course, your priority but don’t forget you. Be kind to yourself .

Sending love x

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Embea84 , I have children my husband passed away in February, And it still knew your husband just passed. I honestly believe if your children see you crying and grieving it would just seem natural to them. You loved their father how could you not be missing their father. And even though you’re being strong and going on every single day it’s still OK to grieve. It’s OK for them to see you grieve it doesn’t make you weak, Then if you’re grieving it and they reach out to you and you reach back you’re there for them. But I too am concerned about you keeping it all inside. I grieved with my children, When they were breathing, I grieved with my children when I was grieving. I also grieved alone. As I’m sure your children will do the same. But by showing them that you’re vulnerable, and still strong and go forward everyday, We’ll teach them that you grieve you move forward you continue in life you don’t just give up and sit in a corner.How else are they going to learn to handle emotions, if you don’t show them .that you can grieve, you can cry you can wipe your eyes dry and go to work. I came from a family who didn’t teach me anything. So I had to learn about emotions, As an adult. And I believe that your children seeing you grieving and Will help them grieve and move forward. Also letting them know how much you love their father. Just my opinion


I also want to say I’m so sorry for your loss I understand the heart brake you’re going through. It’s one day at a time.


And a very good opinion it is too. That’s a brilliant response @Shannon46, spoken from the heart and experience. I hope it can offer some help to @Embea84.

Sending love

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Try not to bottle up too much, think of yourself too, I’m sure showing your children it’s ok to sit and cry when your sad, and having Cuddles together will strengthen both yourself and them.
Then another day have some fun together, being able to express feelings for each other is part of life and will benefit your children especially as they get older
Hope this helps a little, take care x


I am sorry to hear about your loss I hope you are all keeping well

Thank you everyone for your understanding an advice.

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