I came across Lois Tonkin’s Growing with Grief model for the first time yesterday. Link below for anyone else who hasn’t come across it. I’d say it’s worth a read or a watch of the video.
https://www.sueryder.org/grief-support/helping-you-cope-with-grief/growing-around-grief/
For me, because it recognises that grief will always be a part of us, the model feels more accurate than those based on the simplistic notion that you can somehow ‘heal’ from grief. The fried egg is also a really good way to visually represent the idea.
But, based on my own grief since Heather died, I don’t think it’s quite right.
When your true love dies your life doesn’t stay the same size, as suggested by the model. It shrinks. All your shared hopes and dreams vanish, every future plan you had together collapses, and every single day you wake up with the crushing realisation they’re no longer there.
So, for me, grief isn’t covering most of your life, as Tonkin’s diagram suggests. Instead, from the moment your true love dies, the grief is bigger than what’s left of your shrunken life and therefore the overwhelming force or emotion in your existence. So the very idea of trying to do things that add to your life feels impossible and overwhelming. And, even if you do manage to add something, it’s hardly likely to be enough to compensate for the amount your life has already shrunk.
Despite that reservation. I feel the model is a really helpful way of framing my grief and has given me something useful to think about.
Has anyone else come across Tonkin’s model and found it of any use?