My dad (62) died of a sudden heart attack a month ago while in the car with my stepmother. He had no known health issues but was a heavy drinker (8-10 cans per night) and likely hid some problems from us.
A week before his death, he asked me to take him to the hospital because he felt feverish, had diarrhea, shortness of breath, and generally felt unwell. Suspecting a virus, we went to the hospital, where the wait to see a doc was four hours, and the receptionist asked him to wear a mask, thinking it might be COVID. After waiting an hour, his symptoms improved, and he wanted to leave but I convinced him to stay. He was eventually seen by a doctor who diagnosed norovirus, though I found it odd how quickly his symptoms seemed to abate (I think my dad convinced the doc it was norovirus because he was scared it was something more serious like a warning heart attack).
I also got sick later in the day and felt like I had COVID for a few days, while my dad recovered by the end of the week and seemed fine two days before the major heart attack.
After his death, another doctor revealed that he hadnât been fully honest about his symptoms (specifically shortness of breath) and had missed his annual checkup. I feel intense grief and guilt, blaming myself for not doing more. Although others reassure me that I did what I could with the information I had, I canât shake the feeling that I should have acted differently: I create alternate realities in my head where I Google the symptoms and rush him ahead of the queue to seen by the doc when his symptoms were apparent.
I know my dad was negligent about his own health but he was my best friend and I still canât believe heâll never be in my life again. Is it right for me to feel this guilt and blame myself? I feel like I failed him as a son and itâs eating away at me.
So sorry for your loss and as others have already told you, you absolutely havenât failed your Dad!
Guilt and âwhat if I had done thisâ are perfectly normal reactions when grieving.
Please donât beat yourself up, I know itâs easier said than done!
All the symptoms for your Dad and then you catching something are all signs of a virus!
The community here are with you on your journey. Take care
So sorry for thr loss of your dad i feel a lot of guilt after not speaking to my dad in abid to help him stop drinking âŚhe died recently without us having the opportunity to make up âŚi know he wouldnt want me feel this guilt , its hard not to though
Thank you for your comment. Itâs interesting how our minds start filling in the blanks with âwhat ifâ scenarios and we start torturing ourselves. I think this is more common with sudden death just because thereâs no chance to fix anything or say certain things. My grandfather was in hospital for a week before he just fell asleep. We were extremely close but for me it was a kind of relief as he was in a lot of pain and I had a bit of time to prepare for it.
Also, thatâs what other people say regarding the virus symptoms. It makes me think he had a virus combined with probably having a minor heart attack and it confused the situation.
Sorry for your loss. Itâs hard when someone is an alcoholic, as even if we persuade them not to drink, unless they experience a âwake up callâ health issue, a lot of the time they wonât stop. This was the case with my dad. He was sober for 8 years, during which time our relationship was amazing and he was productive, built his own business, then one Christmas he decided to have a drink and it was downhill from there. I tried to stop him, my sister tried to stop him (she even threatened to leave his life forever), my stepmum tried to stop him multiple times and ultimately he chose the drink.
Ive just red your post and its so similar to my dad. He died of a heart attack just over 2 months ago. He was very depressed as we just lost my mum (his partner for 46 years) just 3 weeks before so he wasnt feeling right himself so i persuaded him to go to the doctors as i could see he was short of breath but he kept saying he wasnt and was okay we put it down ro stress losing mum the doctor wasnt too worried as he did feel better so they booked him in for a ECG but was for 2 weeks time after the appointment but was too late he died a week later 3 days after my mums funeral still cant believe this has happened i also felt guilty thinking i should of done more but i know now you cant feel like that and canât blame yourself i know i did everything i could with what info i had to go on and what my dad was telling me he down played his symptoms too. So please donât blame yourself i felt anger towards to doctor i went down there to complain but realsised i was just making myself ill and stressed and isnt gonna bring him back so no youâve got nothing to feel guilty about. Just keep telling yourself you did all you could given the circumstances xx
@Anthony1 you havenât done anything wrong, you did your best with the information you had at the time and this does not affect good intentions or the love you had for your Dad. Some of the loneliness words are âif only.â We have all felt it at one time or another
and as others have already told you, you absolutely havenât failed your Dad!