I lost my aunt whom I lived with for over 20 years to cancer two days ago. No one knew till the very end what it was. I am numb and unable to grieve. My tears seem to have frozen.
She loved me like her own child although I’m not a child anymore. But over the last 3 years I was distanced from her due to an acute anxiety disorder. She tried to reach out to me but I was in an unreachable place - mentally and emotionally,
I hear from friends and family that she was alone and scared in the latter stages. I have spoken to her a month before her passing but I know I should have been with her before and maybe if I had she would have been diagnosed and treated earlier or had an easier end.
The guilt is tearing me apart. My aunt was there for me every single time I was in need but I wasnt with her at the most critical of times. I am not sure how I will live this down.
I am numb to even grieve. I’m not sure how this will help anyone but writing here makes me feel like I have spoken to someone and declared my guilt.
you cannot do anything about it but learn from it, these most painful of lessons.
I grew to learn that when I became self-obsessive, I hurt others and myself.
to cure anxiety, etc., one must join the world. being isolated allows the depression and brooding to take hold. it is bad news.
she would wish, I would think, you correct it and if another times comes when someone needs you, be there. the only way to correct these behaviors is to do the opposite, learn the lesson and become a better person.
just to explain further my panic and anxiety developed when a sibling was diagnosed with cancer. Following this my father was diagnosed with cancer. I take care of my parents, cancer and Alzheimer’s patients full time. No way am I saying this justifies me not being there for my beloved aunt. I just wanted to add some background to my situation.
