I lost my dad over 5 weeks ago. I won’t go in to the details, except to say he’d been poorly for a while, but never in a million years did I think we would lose him like we did. It was so sudden and out of the blue. That actual day in the hospital when the Dr’s told us there was nothing further they could do, and we just had to wait for my lovely dad to pass, was the most heartbreaking experience of my life. It was so traumatic. I can still picture my dad in the hospital bed. I think its an image that will stay with me for the rest of my life. Its all I see when I think about my dad or close my eyes.
Since my dad passed away I have been absolutely wracked with guilt and regret. I loved my dad, and I’ve got so many happy memories from my 38 years with him, but all I can think about are the times where I let him down. My dad had pulmonary fibrosis, and for some unknown reason my dad started smoking again (after previously giving it up for 25 years!!) I was so angry with him, and it literally became the topic of conversation every time I saw him. I just wanted him to stop so he’d be a round longer. But now I think, how all I did was nag him, when what he probably wanted was some kindness from me. I just used to get so frustrated with him, because he just wouldn’t listen.
I know I was good to my dad, but all I can think about are those times. I’m such an overthinker as well, my bad thoughts are on a loop in my head. Is this a normal part of grief?
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I’m so sorry I know how you feel. I was exactly the same about my mum’s smoking, she did stop but I still felt cross that she hadn’t listened to me before and had caused herself damage and meant we were going to lose her before we might have. I also used to go on about her eating healthily and I feel bad about that but I wanted her to be well but now I think I should have just let her enjoy the big slab of cake!! But like you I know I always did my best to look after my mum and make sure she was ok and had everything she needed. She was so close to my children and had us all around her showing her love. I think people have said guilt is a natural part of grief…I hope you feel better soon x
I feel like that too with my mum but the opposite.
I knew my mum was still smoking and I feel regret that I didn’t try and help her stop. She didn’t smoke around me and kinda hid it as she had stopped years ago and started again. I sort of pretended I didn’t know. I also felt a hypocrite if I asked her to stop as I smoke too but again never around my mum. We sort of hid it from each other.
However, I just felt it was one of the only pleasures she had in life. She had been going to dialysis 3 times a week and she enjoyed her cigarette in the car on way home and out the back door. She even liked driving herself so she could have her fag. I found her ashtray in the glovebox of her car and cried so much.
I never said anything to her, she just enjoyed it and I wanted her to have that. Whatever she wanted to do and felt like doing. But she passed away due to vascular problems and I now wish I’d said to her you need to stop. Even a week before she went into hospital, I said I couldn’t understand why these vascular issues were happening. She sighed and said “I suppose smoking all these years” Even then I downplayed it and said “Och no mum, that’s what probably has helped keep you going through all your illnesses and operations”
The week she was passing, she said “The first I want when I get out of here is a fag, just you get one ready for me” I said “of course mum, you deserve that”. My biggest regret is not saying come on I’ll take you outside now for one. But I genuinely thought she’d get better and after a heart attack, it was the last thing I thought would help her her better. If I’d only known, that’s also a huge regret.
So I totally understand how you feel nagging your dad to stop. But I did the total opposite and I also feel guilty too. So if you hadn’t, you would probably still feel like me.
I’m begining to realise that whatever you do, whatever you say, you still feel guilty regardless when somebody passes. This is the first time I’ve ever experienced loss and on such a huge scale (the biggest) so it’s like as time goes on, you realise it’s like a game of roulette and the house always wins.