My dad passed on Thursday, having been poorly for the last three months, but got his wish to die at home. I did everything I could to make life as easy as possible for my mum during his illness , but now that he has gone she has been so dismissive of me and has said some hurtful things. I put mum and dad before everything during his illness and I spent the last 2.5 months living with mum and dad away from my family and it feels like it’s all counted for nothing. I understand mum has lost her husband of 63 years, but I have lost my dad but that doesn’t seem to count for anything. I decided to come back home to Scotland to give mum and I space, but I feel so guilty about leaving her, yet I’m so angry with her too and that compounds the guilt even more.
Welcome to this forum,
I am so sorry that your dad has passed away, I do understand how you feel about your mum. My mum was exactly the same with me after my dad died many years ago, I couldn’t do right for doing wrong, please try not to feel guilty, my mum used to say many hurtful things to me, in my opinion completely unjustified. My much younger brother and sister lived away and whilst my brother would come as often as he could, my sister hardly bothered, yet when she did make a guest appearance, the fatted calf was rolled out. It is a long time ago, but the memory is still there.
Take care and stay safe,
Dear @Trollydollymolly, I just wanted to welcome you to this community and Thankyou for your post. I am so sorry to hear of the recent loss of your father and that you feel a mixture emotions about the way your mother is dealing with it. It must be upsetting to not get the love and support you wish for from her at this time, I hope very much that you will find support and encouragement from this community we are all here to support as much as we can. Take each day as it comes. Best wishes Ailie
Hi @Trollydollymolly, welcome to the site where no one wants to be. I’m sorry to hear of your loss, it’s the worst thing in the world losing your Dad. I lost mine 6 months ago, exactly 1 month before my 27th birthday. My Dad was my best friend, we were insanely close. Like you, I’d devoted my life to caring for Dad. He had emphysema for 9 years and it just got worse and worse as time went on. I’d get his groceries and things because he was too poorly to walk any distance while juggling working part time and a part time university course. Unfortunately for the majority, I felt like I did it all on my own as Mum and Dad split up when I was a baby. I had no support. It’s even worse now with lockdown but I digress.
You have to remember that although it may be hurtful, your mum is grieving the loss of her husband. They’d been together a life time and we can’t begin to imagine what that’s like. Every person is different but everyone feels like their loss is the worst. Grief is extremely selfish and consuming. Especially when it comes to the older generation. We lost my Granda 6 years ago, and my grandma still grieves harder for him now than for her son. It’s a strange one and hard not to judge. Can you share memories with your mum? It’s good to reminisce on the good times, I wish I had someone to do that with. Is there anyone to support you? A partner maybe?
This site is full of wonderful people who will support you. Sometimes it is better talking to strangers who have been through similar things. We’re all grieving together. I’ll leave you with a beautiful comment someone left on one of my posts that I’ll never forget.
‘If you feel the tide coming in, too fast and strong, hold out your hand and I’ll be there to pull you up to shore’.
You’re not alone xx
Anger is such a powerful and strong emotions ,it usually manifests when something we didn’t want to happen happens …or when something we want to happen doesn’t, …in your mums case I suspect it is losing her other half of her …and when angry we usually through the anger ball at those closest to us …in your mums case you …of course it doesnt make it ok for that to happen …but you are all grieving and the anger ball is bouncing around you all as each of you have lost someone precious to you…sounds like you have been a rock to both your mum and dad …something you can hold onto …that you done your best …space to grief for you both is healthy …and so is keeping the lines of communication open either through calls or zoom ect …take care of yourself …x
I do not feel anger, an overwhelming sadness.
Me too Mary. I’ve never felt anger even though it’s supposed to one of the 5 stages of grief. Actually, I don’t agree with those 5 stages. xx
Anger is often a mask for other feelings , sometimes often lurking under the iceberg of anger is fear worry upset to name but a few …but above all grief has no uniform for any one of us …everyone will grieve in thier own unique way …and that’s ok isn’t it …?..some people will want to try to make sense of what they are feeling …when thier world has changed so drastically…and everyone will do that in different ways
I wish I didn’t feel anger but I do. I am overwhelmingly sad that my husband died suddenly but alongside the heartbreak is a persistent anger. I am angry that I wasn’t more vigilant in looking for signs that perhaps he wasn’t as strong and fit as everyone thought and his poor heart was suffering. I am angry that the condition that contributed to his sudden death could have been detected and treated but it wasn’t. Angry that I was seen as obsessive in trying to find out why he died. Very angry that I had to beg for a post mortem which discovered the undiagnosed condition for which both my sons require screening. Incandescent that no-one has admitted that his treatment both before and after death was less than perfect and from my sons’ point of view negligent.
I am mad at whoever allowed us to view my husband in a dishevelled state and has left us traumatized by seeing him so uncared for.
Alongside my anger is guilt that pervades every minute of my day. If I hadn’t been so preoccupied with the care of my elderly parents would I have been more aware that perhaps my husband wasn’t in fact as we thought the strongest of us all.
I am so so angry that my husband never got to enjoy the retirement he work so hard for having done so much for many others along the way.
I accept that anger isn’t an inevitable companion of grief. When my father died this week last year aged 97 I was very sad but I wasn’t angry. The anger that has accompanied the devastating grief following my husbands death five months later is an inevitable consequence of the circumstances.
surrounding it. The one thing I don’t feel guilty about is this anger.
We all unfortunately know that grief is common to us all on this forum but circumstances make every death unique. Everyone of us is devastated and I don’t think I’m alone in feeling angry.
Barbara you’re definitely not alone in feeling angry.
It’s quite a strong emotion of grief.
I have lost family members over the years, but have never felt angry, very sad but not angry, as they have lived to a good old age .
Losing my husband at 56, has left me feeling devastated, heartbroken, and angry.
Angry because my daughters are without their dad and are suffering,
Angry Tim won’t see his grandchildren grow up,
Angry his and my future plans have been snatched away, angry how he has worked so hard all his life and didn’t get to enjoy his retirement, angry at people for saying I should be getting over it by now and angry at the world.
Life is so bloody cruel x
Of course you aren’t alone with feeling angry Jobar …you wanted the best for your husband in life and it was no different in death. I think we frequently challenge ourselves to find reason to our loss and in the process we punish ourselves with thoughts of what ifs ’ …I hope you find answers from the medical profession and in time find peace in your life x
I lost my husband of 42 years - and I have changed as a mum . I have changed as a person. I imagine your mum feel in a similar way as your mum - I am frozen inside, I don’t have much to give. Although my children are loving and caring they can’t fill the void and hurt inside me.
I know your mum loves you and appreciates you but she is probably angry : angry with life has presented to her, angry to be alone .
As much as you loved your dad your relationship was different than your mum and dads relationship. Your mum’s life has changed for ever while yours haven’t . You miss your dad, but he was not part of you, he was not your partner
I hope what I have said helps you and if it doesn’t I apologise
Sending you a hug
@Sadsadie hi there,
I couldn’t help but respond after reading your recent reply. You’re right in what you say, but you’re also really wrong. Of course her Dad is part of her as mine is a part of me. The reason we are here on earth is half because of our fathers and to read someone saying that broke my heart a little. The relationship is so different yes, as ours is not a romantic one and therefor not on that level. But our connection and depth of love is just as strong. To say her life has not been changed forever is unfair for you to say. My life will never be the same - every event that takes place breaks my heart as my Dad is no longer a part of it. A partner is similar in the fact that they’re everything isn’t there but to say a life isn’t affected by the death of a father is wrong.
I had to say it.
I am sorry I upset you
I think I was misunderstood better saying I didn’t express myself well
As much as you live your dad, as much as he is part of you genetically and emotionally your life will keep its rhythm: you still go out with your partner, you will still take your kids to school/university etc - your hurt and suffering will always be there but at the same time your life will go on normally
Meanwhile your mum’s life has been turned upside down . She lost half of her - ger life will be completely affected!
After saying all this I know that it is only possible to truly understand the loss of your soulmate once it happens to you
That is still not particularly true. It’s unfair to assume we even have a soulmate let alone have met them already.
Losing someone you love so much at a young age hits different than anything else and only those who experience it will know what I mean. Yes it’s so sad that you have lost your partner but to have been with them longer than I had my Dad around is a blessing in itself.
For me - my life has been turned upside down as I seen my Dad more than I seen my flat mate. I revolved my life around him as much as you did yours with your partner - you just got to do that longer than I did, which isn’t what either of us would ever want. It’s not a competition about who loves who most, or who is hurting the most. Please don’t assume things as I’m sure you wouldn’t want people doing it about you, and your most special relationship.
I won’t take up anymore of her thread. I understand what you’re trying to say as I said that in my original reply, but please don’t underestimate the hurt and devastation any loss can cause on another.
@Lonely Hi there,
I understand what you’re saying. My point is some people in life aren’t so lucky in love and perhaps never meet ‘the one’. Not everyone gets married either.
My Dad was a bachelor all his life, he never got over his broken heart at 21. I might end up the same - and in that case, yes, losing my Father will be the worst loss I ever experience. It doesn’t matter about ‘status’, it matters the love that was shared and I can tell you now, no one will ever love me/ vice versa, more than I did my Dad.
I honestly don’t believe that grief for any other love can be compared, As I have said earlier, when my much younger brother died, I was heartbroken, I thought I would never recover from his loss.
Six months later, my best friend of 72 years died very suddenly, she was better than a sister to me. I was heartbroken again, My much younger sister hasn’t spoken to me since 2 days after my brother’s funeral 4 years ago. (that is another story). When my husband of 59 years died, suddenly, last August, the grief I am feeling is nothing like the grief I feel for the other 2, it goes so much deeper. My point is grief presents it’s self in many forms and cannot be compared, to any other individual loss. x x x
Thank you for all your kind replies. Obviously time has passed since my original post. Dad’s funeral has taken place and relations between mum and I have been restored. She broke down when I went back home saying she was overwhelmed and we had a good chat. That chat relieved a lot of pressure and it was like a weight has been lifted off both our shoulders. All I would say is grief is grief. One person’s grief does not , and should not, take precedence over another’s .
You just expressed so much better what I wanted to say
I just wanted to clarify that I wasn’t trying to make a loss a pain and hurt mite important than the other. All I was trying to do was to explain why T ‘s mother was so upset with her.
Anyway - I have you all a good day