Guilt & Anger

My dad passed on Thursday, having been poorly for the last three months, but got his wish to die at home. I did everything I could to make life as easy as possible for my mum during his illness , but now that he has gone she has been so dismissive of me and has said some hurtful things. I put mum and dad before everything during his illness and I spent the last 2.5 months living with mum and dad away from my family and it feels like it’s all counted for nothing. I understand mum has lost her husband of 63 years, but I have lost my dad but that doesn’t seem to count for anything. I decided to come back home to Scotland to give mum and I space, but I feel so guilty about leaving her, yet I’m so angry with her too and that compounds the guilt even more.

Hello, Tdm,
Welcome to this forum,
I am so sorry that your dad has passed away, I do understand how you feel about your mum. My mum was exactly the same with me after my dad died many years ago, I couldn’t do right for doing wrong, please try not to feel guilty, my mum used to say many hurtful things to me, in my opinion completely unjustified. My much younger brother and sister lived away and whilst my brother would come as often as he could, my sister hardly bothered, yet when she did make a guest appearance, the fatted calf was rolled out. It is a long time ago, but the memory is still there.
Take care and stay safe,
MaryL x

Dear @Trollydollymolly, I just wanted to welcome you to this community and Thankyou for your post. I am so sorry to hear of the recent loss of your father and that you feel a mixture emotions about the way your mother is dealing with it. It must be upsetting to not get the love and support you wish for from her at this time, I hope very much that you will find support and encouragement from this community we are all here to support as much as we can. Take each day as it comes. Best wishes Ailie

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Hi @Trollydollymolly, welcome to the site where no one wants to be. I’m sorry to hear of your loss, it’s the worst thing in the world losing your Dad. I lost mine 6 months ago, exactly 1 month before my 27th birthday. My Dad was my best friend, we were insanely close. Like you, I’d devoted my life to caring for Dad. He had emphysema for 9 years and it just got worse and worse as time went on. I’d get his groceries and things because he was too poorly to walk any distance while juggling working part time and a part time university course. Unfortunately for the majority, I felt like I did it all on my own as Mum and Dad split up when I was a baby. I had no support. It’s even worse now with lockdown but I digress.
You have to remember that although it may be hurtful, your mum is grieving the loss of her husband. They’d been together a life time and we can’t begin to imagine what that’s like. Every person is different but everyone feels like their loss is the worst. Grief is extremely selfish and consuming. Especially when it comes to the older generation. We lost my Granda 6 years ago, and my grandma still grieves harder for him now than for her son. It’s a strange one and hard not to judge. Can you share memories with your mum? It’s good to reminisce on the good times, I wish I had someone to do that with. Is there anyone to support you? A partner maybe?
This site is full of wonderful people who will support you. Sometimes it is better talking to strangers who have been through similar things. We’re all grieving together. I’ll leave you with a beautiful comment someone left on one of my posts that I’ll never forget.
‘If you feel the tide coming in, too fast and strong, hold out your hand and I’ll be there to pull you up to shore’.

You’re not alone xx

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