Guilt over everything

I feel so out of control. I lost my little sister in March after a long time being unwell. The end was traumatic. I begged my brother to help us. It was all so overwhelming but he had been estranged from her for over a year. Over nothing. He had nothing to do with her and I rarely heard from him. I went to help her at all hours. Stayed with her. Picked her up physically and mentally. Attended her hospital appointments with her. Put mine and my children’s lives on hold to help her. Risked my job to help her. Sat with her when she died. We were best friends. My parents were in no fit state so I arrange the funeral. Am now organising her headstone. Dealing with her house and all the paperwork. I’ve needed my brother but he makes every excuse under the sun not to be there. I even had to write him something to repeat the funeral and arrange flowers from him. I didn’t hear from him again after the funeral in April. Soon after my sister died, my mums heart began to fail. One month later my dad suffered four heart attacks. One major one in front of me. I asked my brother to help me. I was trying to hold down a full time job. Care for my parents and my own home and children. He only came when my mum gave him money. He’s let me down at every turn and doesn’t even bother to reply to my messages when our parents are poorly. I’ve now received money that my sister left myself, my parents, nieces and nephews and charities. She left my brother nothing! He said I should ignore her wishes as to where the money should go. My parents have given him some of the money but he’s stopped speaking to us as its evidently not enough! I’m tearing myself apart with guilt. I don’t want him to hate me. He never got in touch with me before all this but I don’t want him to think bad of me. I feel guilty because this money can bring so much happiness to me, my husband and our children after we have been through so much but I feel guilty for thinking of being happy. I’m crippling myself with my own thoughts. I feel like my life is meant to be miserable and I don’t deserve anything nice.
I’m sorry for such a long message.


Dear @Bigsister1 firstly may I say how sorry I am that you lost your sister and that you had to struggle on your own. Then having to deal with your parents illness, you must be exhausted. You need to spend time with your husband and children now and get some enjoyment after being so strong.
Your brother has no right to tell you to ignore your sisters wishes about where her money should go, it is very disrespectful to her memory and sounds like he is trying to guilt you. you have been very patient with him despite his lack of support so try and put him to one side and do what is right for yourself.
I lost my husband only 6 weeks ago and have found those who should have been there to support me were nowhere near, I’ve struggled on my own so when I read your post I wanted to reply.
Jen x

1 Like

I’m so sorry @Jen64. What an awful thing to have gone through. No one should have to deal with that. Thank you so much for your reply. I guess I just needed someone to tell me its OK to think about myself and my family. Everytime I do, I feel like I’m being selfish. I wish so much that I had a proper sibling relationship with my brother but he’s never wanted that and I promise you I’ve tried SO hard with him. I just know now that money is involved I probably won’t ever get that. It broke my sisters heart that she died with anger between them but he just wouldn’t let things go. I miss my sister so much. I think I will have grief counselling. I don’t know who I am anymore. Again, thank you for your kind words. Despite your own pain, you’ve still found time to reach out and that speaks volumes for what a special person you are. Anytime you feel you need to talk, please contact me. Lots of love :heart:


Hello Bigsister1, So sorry for your loss. Your story resonates with me.
When our Mum died of cancer in 2012, my older sister had not spoken to my Mum for several years, and did nothing for her. But then swooped in and critised everything my other sibling & I were doing to care for our Mum in her final time. She made scenes in the hospital and tormented my younger sister & I, and even tried to disrupt the service. She focused on what she would be getting, before we even knew my Mum was going to die. Then 5 years later I tragically lost my beloved younger Sister, who was my best friend and soul mate. Like you I was by her side through her illness and in her final moment. My older sister had not spoken to either one of us once she received her money after our Mum died. When my younger Sister died she surfaced to demand money and be petty enough to want to be “payed for cleaning supplies” she purchased to help clean out my Sisters flat. She took special items I had got for my sister and hid the will. She said cruel and insensitive things about our family, and even tried to get me to believe my sweet younger Sister spoke ill of me. Despite her dreadful antics, I shared everything my little Sister left me, however I never received a thank you. She acted as if she was entitled, and was outraged she was not left everything, even after cutting my younger Sister & I off completely for years. Since my generous gesture, she has continued to mistreat me, and guilt me into spending time with her. I had been warned by friends and other family to be strong and not feel obligated to give her anything or be in her presence, and I wish I could’ve been stronger and not allowed her to continue to bully me. I gave her 1/2 my inheritance because I thought she might take the money and leave me free to properly grieve, however that was not the case. Forgive the long post, but your brother sounds so much like my older sister. You like me, were there for our sisters, they were not. Your sister would want you to use the money to ensure you find some happiness. You have no need to feel guilty. Use the money for good, in your dear sister’s memory. XxX Another Sad Sister :broken_heart:

it seem that you are trying to compensate for HIS choices. funny how guilt works its way into everything … he made these choices so why do you feel bad?
you are the one who did all of the work!

1 Like

Good morning luv I admire you so much you did everything for your family he should be totally ashamed of himself you did everything and also looking after your own family there is no wonder you feel like you do I’m sorry but let him do what he wants with his life you concentrate on getting yourself better and look after your children and hubby I feel so bad for you your brother is a disgrace I’m sorry but you sound a lovely person and deserve more than what is happening keep coming on here for support they are lovely on here. Love and hugs shellyanne xd

@Sister2 I will never understand how people can be so cruel at another person’s greatest time of need and yet still feel entitled. My parents hardly even know what day it is and yet he can continue to treat them with such disdain. I will never understand it. You are so right in everything you say. I guess I just need to work though this feeling of guilt. I will always hope my brother will just want to be my brother but I don’t see it. No amount of money would be enough to “buy” his love. I’m so sorry for everything you are going through. Its comforting to know I’m not alone in this situation but so so sad to know there are people like this out there xx

1 Like

@berit I think I’m trying to understand why he doesn’t want to be there for his family but I wonder if I never will undertake it. Thank you so much for your reply. My sister wanted us to be left with something nice but it seems to have become something tarnished. Pending your journey of love and thanks xx

@Shellyanne thank you for your supportive words. They make so much sense. I wish I didn’t care what he thought of me and maybe with time I will. I’m doing my level best but I wonder at what point I will not be able to be strong any more. I’m so grateful you took the time to reply. Everything you I’m makes so much sense xx

You are welcome luv I joined a few weeks ago and it’s helped me coming on here I lost my youngest daughter to cancer of the breast and liver she was 25 and my daughter Katie who I lost a number of yrs ago grief is an awful thing it eats away at you and if you don’t talk about it to anyone or come on here it just makes you feel worse bottling it up you get so much support Von here they are lovely and understanding people who are going through the same thing hope you get a little comfort XX :heavy_heart_exclamation:

That is so awful @Shellyanne. I can’t even comprehend losing a child. What, if anything helped you? I want to help my Mum and Dad but they are not the same people anymore. It breaks my heart to see how much they’re hurting :broken_heart:

Hi luv I had to deal with loosing Katie basically on my own as it was 36 yrs ago and it was deal with it and move on but I never did deal with it properly I was devastated and had to give birth to her as she was stillborn at 40 weeks which has mentally scared me for life eventually I came to terms with loosing her. Then in January this yr I lost Leah to cancer this has absolutely crucified me and I’m a mess and struggle really bad everyday but I try to do the day to day things to keep me going if I didn’t make myself do things I’d just give up it’s so hard all I can say luv is keep coming on these groups and tell us how you feel people never judge you but we ll support each other we are all grieving XX Shelly Anne

Hi @Bigsister1.

Sorry to hear about the loss of your lovely sister and the added trauma you are experiencing as a result of your brother’s attitude.

The sentence that leapt out at me from your post was:
“I feel like my life is meant to be miserable and I don’t deserve anything nice”.

That is such a sad way to think and feel and I wonder where does that thinking come from?

While none of us should tell others what to do and say, in your position, I would use some of the money your sister left you, to pay for some therapy to help you unpick some of this entanglement with your brother - unless, of course, you can access this via your GP.

I think if you don’t get some professional help with this way of thinking, you will be forever vulnerable to his manipulative ways, to your own detriment.

Your sister clearly felt you deserved some happiness (and you do - we all do!) and she wanted you to have nice things hence, she left you money to achieve this.

The “nicest” thing of all that you can have, is a settled, happy, contented mind.

Good luck with it all.