I’m really struggling with loosing my wife. I feel immense guilt because for about a week leading to her hospitalisation she was having breathing trouble and I didn’t push her to go to the doctors about it. She was put on life support and 4 days later they advised me to turn it off as there was no hope of recovery. She always said if I end up completely paralysed I want to die I don’t want to be a burden to anyone. I agreed to stop life support and she passed a few hours later. I feel guilty that I didn’t make her go to the doctors, I feel guilty for not giving her a chance.
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Sorry to hear about the loss of your wife but you really shouldn’t feel guilty. Blaming yourself will not help you in your grief. We all tend to blame ourselves. We can all find something to say it was our fault. My partner was suffering with a terrible cough, cold, could not breathe and wasn’t eating. Therefore he lost loads of weight and although he had 2 types of cancer and copd the gp would not refer him to hospital. So he suffered half of november and all december and one week in january when he had an appointment to see his lymphoma consultant. As soon as he saw him he said oh you look terrible i will find you a bed straight away for a few days. That was january 8th and he passed away on 4th may. Never coming out of hospital and it wasn’t cancer what killed him. I feel guilty for not taking him straight to a and e where they might have taken more notice. All the gp could say when we went there was why do you want me to refer him. He was stressed anxious and depressed and i too wish i had done more. Alan never liked a fuss to be made and that could possibly be the reason i didn’t do more. It does leave you with a guilty conscience but it does no good to dwell on it. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Take care. X
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Guilt is so very hard to deal with. My husband declined rapidly and within a week he died (we thought he had months)…I fight the “what if’s” constantly …in retrospect we see things we didn’t see before, we see some things differently and it is very easy to be trapped in the pain of “what if I had done this…” - but I tell myself, as I know he would want me to, “It’s over. There is nothing you can do to change what happened. You did what you felt best at the time.” My husband was stubborn right up until the end - wouldn’t really let me care for him the way he should have been , wouldn’t let me fuss at all, told me to go about my day as normal - so I did, and then he died. I don’t feel guilty now because I can’t change any of it. I do feel a deep shame that I wouldn’t accept the fact he was dying in front of me, and that I didn’t try harder to give him the extra comforts even when he said no…And that will always haunt me -
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There are many emotions that accompany this process called grief, guilt being one of the major ones. I doubt anyone on this site has not had a twinge of guilt. It can get out of all proportions and is a very stubborn emotion.
The realisation that there’s nothing you can do about it can help. As said in the above posts. Guilt occurs because we feel we have not lived up to certain standards. Have not performed as we should. But whose to say what’s right or wrong?.
I suggest we all did our best at the time; we did what we could and thought right, at the time! Hindsight is a hard taskmaster.
But we are human with all the faults and failings humans have. Who can put their hand on their heart and say they have never made a mistake, or missed out on something?
We can all have standards to live by, but when in the midst of pain and illness can we be logical, and live up to standards? I doubt it. The immediate pain has to be dealt with.
Let’s grieve. Go through the process of grief, but stop flogging ourselves with guilt.
Guilt is a corrosive emotion and can eat into you and cause lots of emotional problems.
Take care all. Blessings.
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Jonathan I love to read your posts, you manage to put everything into perspective in such a gentle and supportive way which I’m sure we all benefit from. I just hope that when you need help we are there for you too.
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Dear Wulfrik
Guilt is a wasted energy - we can’t go back and change what has happened. We all did things that we wished we had done differently - but I am sure at the time you thought your wife would be ok , otherwise you would have done something else. - Just forgive yourself because you and your wife know that you acted appropriately for what you knew at the time
Sadie x
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Thanks Jonathan.
Hello Wulfrik I have recently joined the site and have just seen your post about guilt. It is just 8 weeks since I lost my beloved husband of over 40 years. He was always so fit and healthy so when he became poorly I presumed it was a blip that we could get over. It turned out to be heart failure and I feel guilty that I didn’t see just how rotten he must have felt as i was trying to encourage him to do more than he was able to. He never complained which makes it worse. Have you come to terms with your guilt yet?
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