This is probably just me waffling so feel free to scroll on.
My lovely dad was diagnosed with esophageal cancer in October 2018 and due to COPD he could not have the Ivor Lewis oesophagus removal operation so had chemo radio over the course of 2019 which helped a little, but within a few weeks it was back with a Vengeance and had spread to his liver (and eventually to his spine and pelvis). He had a numb leg the day after Fathers Day this year and was dragging his foot, and the Macmillan nurse was worried about spinal compression so she arrange for him to be taken into hospital have a scan so we waved him off and he seemed fine- happy and chatty but in considerable pain and within 2 days of being in hospital thy discovered he had a hip fracture a few weeks old (he had a falls due to the leg pain) and suddenly he started to deteriorate rapy in hospital- it’s like he felt he could let go safely. We managed to FaceTime him once for a few minutes, before the nurse accidentally cut us off and that’s the last time mum and I saw my dad awake. They let us visit him for the last couple of days as he always begged not to be on his own when he died but due to a communication lapse between nurses (one thought the other had called us) we didn’t get the phone call to come to the hospital and he subsequently passed away at 9am on 8th July and they phoned us half an hour later to tell us that he had passed as they assumed we were driving up. I will forever feel guilty that I wasn’t there- I feel like I broke my final promise to him and it’s torturing me every single day for the past 11 weeks
I know that they always say people go when they’re ready etc etc but they also say that they can sense that you’re around and we weren’t there and he would have known and not heard or felt us. And I know people that pass suddenly may not have loved ones near but we knew he was dying and we weren’t there for him when he needed us most. His brother in Australia always kept saying please don’t let him die alone and when I had to facetime him to tell him about dad he seemed so annoyed that we hadn’t stayed the whole night and been with him. We stayed till 11pm and mum wanted to come home. God I wish I’d told her we weren’t leaving. We would have been there then.
It’s literally like purgatory for me.
So sorry for the loss. Your guilt is completely understandable as I think we all feel it in some way when grieving, however please know you did nothing wrong. If anything the hospital was at fault for not calling you. Your dad would not blame you at all. I understand as I wasn’t there when my Mum passed either. She had my Dad and a nurse but I didn’t get to say goodbye. I feel guilty about it but on the other hand I do wonder if she would have wanted me to see her take her last breath. I saw her on the Thursday and she passed on the Sunday. We normally spoke daily but on the Saturday she didn’t reply to my last message, which was unlike her. I really wish I had done something about this and seen her, but I didn’t. My dad also didn’t think she was so close to passing either, so hadn’t contacted me about any problems. It must be heartbreaking to think of your Dad dying alone, but please try not to let it torture you. Your dad would know you would have been there if you could. I was in denial for a long time when my Mum was ill and then when died too. I never thought I would actually lose her. It’s 6 months today and it has finally sunk in a couple of weeks ago that she has really gone. Losing a parent is devastating. Please message on here if it helps you. I have found it helps to talk to people in a similar situation. Do you have anyone around you that you can talk to as well? Take care x