Hi all,
In July 2018 my Grandmother was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. She was my best friend, having practically raised me owing to my mother suffering will illnesses throughout my childhood and was always there for me through whatever life threw at me and always fought my corner.
I helped in caring for her for a number of months but struggled tremendously in watching the person I loved most in the world, deteriorate in front of me. Owing to the nature of the cancer, I witnessed things happening to her that will haunt me for the rest of my life. As I suffer from mental health issues myself, this took a tremendous toll on my health to the point I was considering ending my life so to not be in the pain I was feeling. I eventually took the agonising decision to step away from the situation, cut of all communication with family and such and shut myself away from everything in order to pretend it was not happening.
In October, she died. I continued my pretence, not attending her funeral, not speaking with my family since, avoiding any outside influence etc. However since her passing I have felt an overwhelming feeling of guilt that I was not there for her when she needed me the most. This has also affected my sleeping, with me dreaming of her most nights, with dreams such as me walking away from her, shutting a door on her etc. It has reached the point where I am calling her name in my sleep, crying or shouting for help. I feel this is my subconscious confirming that I was wrong for having to remove myself from the situation. My guilt has gotten so bad that I attempted suicide around a month ago.
I know she would not want me to end my life and would want me to live for her but I cannot see any other way of stopping the pain and guilt I feel.