Guilt self pitty

I lost my wonderful loyal loving partner of 28 years just recently in july.
It was sudden and unexpected.
Although He had been poorly will tummy ache for a week leading up to his death I never expected him never to not come home that day from work.
I am so consumed with guilt and self pity as I was not there for him.
I got a call saying a ambulance had been called.
Rather than rushing to be by his side I stayed at home washing his pjs and getting a overnight bag ready knowing they keep him in as it was his.heart.
Being in the hands of NHS micacle makers I had every hope he will pull thu.
40mins after my arrival he passed on the operating table. That day they became my NHS heart breakers.
Miss him terribly I’m seriously struggling with everything as time goes on I feel it more.


Hello @Lisa773 ,

I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling. I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your partner. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.

Your loss is still so recent and raw - I think many of our members will identify with your feelings of it getting harder as time goes on. I am sure too that many of our members have experienced the guilt you are feeling - it is so heartbreaking not to be with our loved ones at the end.

You may also find the following Sue Ryder resources helpful:

I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.

Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.

Take care,


You say you weren’t there for him, but you were washing his PJ,s & getting a bag ready for him, that’s being there for him, you’d seen him go to hospital before & come out so obviously you were expecting this time to be the same, we are not mind readers.

I had a similar experience in that my husband went to hospital & was diagnosed with a chest infection, so when he went in again a few months later with the same symptoms I assumed it was a chest infection again so I visited but also went to work etc…

He passed away, I spent a long time thinking why didn’t I think this might not be the Same? Why did I carry on going to work? Was I blind or stupid? Had I let him down? Was I in denial?

It’s took me a long time to realise it was natural for me to think he’d be ok as he was before, yes I wasn’t there at the end but what about the hundreds of times that I was there for him? If I could talk to him now I know he would say he didn’t know it was the end so how would I know?

Try and not beat yourself up, however it seems to be part of grief that we turn our upset on to ourselves by beating ourselves up, maybe it’s the brains way of distracting ourselves from the unthinkable.

Chin up, your probably still in shock so try and be kind to yourself, that’s what your husband would want.

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I had a phone call to say my husband was on his way to hospital after becoming Ill whilst playing football. I couldn’t get to him then as I didn’t know which hospital he was going to. I sat watching TV with my learning disabled daughter waiting to hear then knew I would sort out whether she was ok for me to leave here then I would go, taking what he needed.
I can’t even remember if I packed a bag for him but think I might have done.

As Flower_garden said, we are not mind readers and could not possibly know how serious the situation was. I still remember the total disbelief when a police officer came to the door to tell me he had died. Even seeing a policeman I didn’t have that idea in my mind at all.