Guilt

Dad died over four years ago from cancer, 2 months after partner was diagnosed with same illness, am trying to deal with the guilt of not being there for my dads last Christmas… I am angry at the people who made me choose, being with my dad… Or seeing my step daughter who was seven… Because they wanted to spend Christmas in the lakes, and didn’t take their dog, so partner chose dog sitting. I wasn’t there for my dad… As I chose them… That choice has led to angry arguments, resentment, isolation, depression, total mental breakdown… Off work, can’t focus feel like none understands

Oh blimey, i really feel for you

Are you talking this through with a professional?

Isn’t it awful that despite the grief, we also feel guilt? As if life couldn’t get more bloody cruel. But I’m sure your dad understood, given your partner’s illness.

I’m convinced my dad didn’t want me around when he died, and the fact that i was, just gave him comfort that his partner wasn’t going to be alone. I’m ok with that as I know he was only trying to protect me.

As a parent, he probably felt that you deserved a happy Christmas. I did spend my dad’s last Christmas with him and although we tried to make it a really happy occasion, it was anything but. My memories of that last Christmas are not great and I now feel Christmas is something to dread, rather than look forward to.

I guess it’s a case of damned if you do and damned if you don’t x

Thank u for replying , and yes I went this last couple of days to a psychologist , I am so glad that you were with your loved one… Grief is hard enough especially if you’re close to the one who died ( I was ) all children favour one parent, cos they are easier to approach, wrap round yr finger when yr little … But guilt on top of that is not a good place… Yr dad would of been so proud of you, to help me cope with the following Christmas’ I had a star named after him… So that he would be where I could see him however I chose to spend my days… U might find that a help… Or similar things like a tree or rose in yr garden that can be named after him… That you can nurture to relieve some of yr grief… Today is always difficult … Visiting his grave on fathers day… I hope yr peace with Christmas comes soon… I appreciate the time u took to reply… Its nice to know that I’m not alone…

What lovely ideas. I planted some pinks in a tub, as he loved them and I have a framed soundwave of my dad’s favourite song, that my work colleagues got for birthday. To anyone else it just looks like a piece of modern art but to me, it holds fond memories. I was also deeply touched that so much thought had gone into it too.

I may plant something that’s going to be more durable as he loved gardening :slight_smile:

How did you find your session went with the psychologist?

Emotionally draining, was like a bumbling neurotic … She probably thought what nut job … Wish I could do a labotomy on my brain… There’s that much to unscramble .
OMG!!! You can find special ones on line along with other similar ideas, " the brilliant gift shop " name a tree or rose etc all the stuff will load… Wish I was green fingered… More like Edward scissorhands … What sort of things did u like to do together … I go feeding the ducks in the park… What we used to do when I was a kid… Makes me feel close to him… Are you as good in the garden as yr dad…

I can imagine. For what it’s worth i think you’re incredibly brave for taking that first step. Asking for help is one of the hardest things to do. It’s all too easy to let grief and everything else consume us.

Oh god, I’m useless with plants. Lol. I definitely didn’t inherit his ablity to grow and nurture anything.

My dad was going to get me a bike for my birthday, which was in the same month that he died. He didn’t get the chance to in the end so I bought it myself and cycle down the trail he used to enjoy walking down, with my 10 yr old daughter.

Did you pick up any funny traits from your dad? My main one is penny pinching :-)) He would regale in telling how cheaply he picked things up for, always letting me know where to grab a bargain. And he always swiped a load of sauce sachets when he went out for something to eat

I try to garden , but I’m rubbish… Dad tried he was rubbish, he tried d.I.y. but were crap, it always fell down … I’m a bit better than that providing there’s a flat pack with instructions… Bargains he lvd bargains… Get that its cheaper… !!! 10 yrs old, I wish amber were ten again… have answer for everything… Don’t envy what coming for you xx dad liked taking the mick… All the mickey taking died along with the laughter… It was like being on auto pilot… Afterwards… Certain songs I still struggle with… Dance with my father… And lately by the calling… And I love both… He was my rock… That blew me to bits , just need to now find all the pieces to put Humpty back together… Does yr daughter look like your dad… Or have any traits … I look for that in me now,

Oh god, she’s bad enough now. Ha ha.

My son is a lot like my dad. A bit of a clown but rather sensitive. And he’s the spitting image of my dad when he was a child. In a way it’s comforting and i hope that he grows up to be the man my dad was. I am a lot like my dad. In looks and in traits. Except I don’t water down paint to make it go further.

Ah yes, the songs. It’s funny how many there are that remind you. Even those annoying ads on the radio that he used to sing, it seems like I hear them all the time now and I’d give anything to hear him sing them again, just to try and irritate me on purpose.

I’m truly hope that you will get back to feeling some sort of “whole” again. The fact that you’ve reached out for help and even coming on here shows inner strength. It probably doesn’t feel like it but I really admire you for taking that step

That’s funny, watering the paint… She will be 15 this Nov. And knows everything won’t be told anything, she knows best… But even with the pulling my hair out daily, she is my strength and reason for getting up every day… I had a brain operation to remove epilepsy from my frontal lobe in 2001… I often wonder if it changed the way I think or do things and why so badly depressed. I’m telling you about a brain op but giggling about watering the paint… Ha ha… Dad put a shelf up once , mum put a porcelain ornament on it and it just fell and broke… I laughed but mums face, and dads dog done wrong look ha ha. Think yr dad and mine prob would of got on…

Yes, kids do somehow manage to have that affect. Mine constantly bicker, which drives me insane but it’s also a sign of normality in my life.

The op may well have had an effect. If not physically, it’s a pretty major event and a culmination of things over time can tell their toll.

When is your next session?

2 weeks, she on holiday til end of June … Young in wants a dog, we looking at a dogs trust one… You got any pets?

How inconsiderate of her. Lol.

Still, it’s something to focus on and although I can imagine it to be pretty gruelling, it’s a step towards putting yourself together again

Ahhh, a dog will be a great addition to the family. We don’t have any pets. I’d love a dog but sadly I’m allergic to animal fur. Hannah is nagging me endlessly to get a pug too.

It husky or akita… Here . there’s a gorgeous one in the Merseyside dog trust… Its name is Harley he’s stunning… I know off on holiday very not OK… You can be replacement . ha ha… Can you not get dog allergy tabs …

So do you think you’ll get it?

Yes, you can take antihistamine but i don’t really want to take them forever

I’ll let u know after sat 4pm
It will be a good thing for all of us a dog… But we will see… I have get there first… Not good with directions… Get lost in big shopping centres … I think you’ll get talked round by little ones… Cos u sound like you get wrapped around little fingers quite easily, just like amber does with Martyn … Tabs are not always nice… Would ends justify a means , maybe further down the line…

Partner goes back Monday to have PSA levels checked, apprehensive waiting for positive or negative outcome… Don’t know if I can take negative result … How are kids… Are u OK after fathers day

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