This is the guilt I had and still have - like I let her down because I couldn’t do anything to save her. And survivor guilt - I truly wish it had been me instead. Jen was so young (47) and had so much to give still. I know we all feel sad for the person who endured that pain (physical and mental), and then lost their life, but it is as hard, if not harder being the one(s) left behind. They are out of pain now and at rest. I just miss her so much and there’s so many things I’d like to tell her and talk about. Her illness was so fast and she was in so much pain, we never had time to reminisce about any of our 20 years together. It feels very daunting having life stretching out ahead without her in it now, but 17 months on, although I still have bad days/parts of days, I am adjusting a little more, but it is lonely without your soul mate 
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