I lost my beloved husband 5 weeks ago suddenly due to a heart attack.i feel so guilty because i am still numb, i feel normal and cannot cry.People keep saying how strong i am but i wonder if something is wrong with me.
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For the first few weeks I was on autopilot. I am nearly at 9 weeks and realisation has hit me like a ton of bricks. The last 4 weeks have been horrific.
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Yes feeling guilty when no real need to do so.
I tell myself to buck up all the time. I get up do a bit and then get tired out. So repeat same self talk again. It seems I battle to force myself.
Then get tired.
In between little bits of ok. Like at the moment the cat is sitting on me instead of knocking everything flying.
It is because she has been fed.
She sits and looks at me with her big green eyes and wants me to hug her.
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@Marym1
The thing that’s wrong is that you’ve just lost your partner.
There’s nothing wrong with you.
The way you’re dealing with it at the moment is your own unique way of coping with the shock, the grief.
There’s no manual, there’s no right and wrong way to deal with this so please don’t judge yourself on how you think others expect you to act.
It’s your grief, your story. One day the damn might break, and that’s OK, one day you might not feel the guilt so much, and that’s OK too…
Keep checking in here, there’ll be support when and if you need it…
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Hi Maryam 1,
This is normal, you are still in shock and have not processed your grief yet. Life can be tough when we are left behind
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@Marym1 - please don’t worry. I felt like this when my husband passed and even I thought I was coping really well. Then I hated the numb feeling and like you I was so worried about why I felt this way - like I didn’t love him at all.
It wasn’t really until around 3 months until I stared to feel the full force of my grief and then it was truly horrendous.
Even now I get days where my emotions just shut down as I’m too overwhelmed. Difference now is that I welcome those days as a bit of respite from the pain.
We are all different and often have no control over how we react - and we can react in ways that seem completely out of character. We just have to go with what comes along and let the feelings come when they are ready.
In the meantime look after yourself xx
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Thank you so much for your reply.it has made me feel alot better knowing that i am not the only person to feel like this.xx
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Guilt is a normal feeling Im told. I just went through the motions and only now 2 months in, it hits me this weekend. I also harbour guilt and am unable to cry as expected. Then i judge myself and feel judged but there is nothing wrong with you. You are still processing. Be kind to yourself.
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My husband died 3 weeks ago tomorrow. I cried the day he died, the day before his funeral, at his funeral and at the mass.
I haven’t cried since.
Is it normal? I don’t know. I do know that there is no one to pick up the slack if I fall apart. No one but me can do what needs to be done with the estate. I have added responsibilities now that I didn’t have before. My mind tells me that I do not have the luxury of grieving because there is so much to be done, much of which is time sensitive.
I feel pressure. And, I want to be alone. I am numb, but preparing for the filing of the succession. I am waiting on death certificates and hope I ordered enough. If not, this will take longer to finalize.
I had to start cleaning and organizing my husband’s office/music room and bathroom to find what I need. It was his “man cave” where he and his friends played guitars, smoked cigarettes, talked guitars and music and his office. All men. Separate entrance. The deal was, I was never to touch anything in there. It worked out well. Now, I am forced to do so as the hunt is on for important things in his not so organized filing system.
I can do none of this while sobbing. None of it. I think numbing may be shock, I don’t know the difference.
I have no emotion. Flat.
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You have a lot on, like me. Give youdrlf credit, you are doing great. I find keep busy and distracted is not a bad thing but when we are forced and feel the pressure our minds and body react. I did so much in the first three weeks just going through the motions. Death certificate, funeral, work responsibilities, child responsibilities. But pause please. Ut maybe just sitting with a cup of tea or i did some mindless doodles one lonely evening. Watch rubbish tv. Listen to music. It reminds us of our husbands but its a way to give yourself small mercies. I am told not to cry infront of my child as it upsets her so now i feel like you numb, sometimes nothing. Please be kind to youself. All emotions are ok, none are ok. You seem bright and capable. Take care of you too. He would want that x
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Try not to force the emotions. They will come in time.
I too was in shock for a good part of a couple of months and also felt I had to hold it together for my kids, 2 of whom are teenagers. I felt they couldn’t lose another parent and there was so much to do with all the Sadmin.
But I hated the numbness and felt like I was a really awful person for not feeling bad and perhaps I hadn’t loved my husband as much as I had thought.
But the shock then started to wear off and the real pain of loss started to creep in.
I believe that the mind protects itself from the full force of the pain of your loss. Otherwise it would be too much to cope with.
It does come like waves- unexpectedly, brutal, and can knock your feet from under you. But then there is a little calm before the next waves come.
Try to let it come when it does and rest when it is less hard. Everyone feels it differently but you just need to try keep afloat when you feel the weight of your loss pulling you down.
I’m so sorry you are here in this group but there is lots of support around here for those difficult times. Xx
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I lost my husband to a heart attack at the end of June this year. I literally can’t remember the first few weeks, they are blank! My GP said it’s a coping mechanism. I have a little cry about something most days, but I keep imagining he is watching me and saying”don’t be miserable, enjoy your life” and because we all know how fragile life can be, I am trying my best to move forward in my new life. Just to make you all smile I have discovered that my husband ate all the bananas (they last longer now) and he used so much loo roll, I have reduce from 9 rolls to 2 a week! Xx
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That made me smile. Thank you for sharing. Its comfort to turn pain into memories and happy or funny ones. To make you smile I hace discovered my husband used to eat a whole box of kipping cakes in a week as since hes gone, we still have cake!
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