Guilty feelings

Hi everyone, I am Martin and sadly I lost my wife on Sunday the day after are wedding anniversary, we had a big party in her nursing home which she did as a surprise for me. We have been together for 23 years, we we’re told six years later she had a condition called Myotonic Dystrophy which was passed down from her mother, she gradually became weaker going from walking to a wheelchair I was now her fulltime career, we spent every day together for 17 years of are marriage, but sadly in March this year she caught COVID-19 she went down hill quick and was rushed to hospital where the doctors put her on a ventilator which sadly speeded up her muscle weakness, they then tried to take her off the ventilator but sadly this didn’t work, she then went on to a Tracheostomy vie a life support ventilator they then tried to wean her off but sadly this didn’t work. Now with a couple of weeks gone i was told my several doctors she wasn’t going to live for long, one doctor said two days, I was devastated but to my surprise Clare became less poorly but was told she will never come off the ventilator and will never eat or drink again she was fed through a peg, we then went through the root of CHC funding to get her home but was advised a nursing home would be safer, I do have terrible regret of not pushing for her to come home. She was in hospital for eight months, she suffered with terrible mental health and anxiety, with out me knowing she asked for a DNR because she told other people she didn’t want to live like this, and had no quality of life, I am angry she never spoke to me about her feelings from all accounts she didn’t want to upset me, I have now forgiven her it must have been hard for her. But what’s hurting me the most the day after are anniversary her stats were not the best and she was asking me to hold her hand and she was really anxious, but I have been in this situation before as she used to tell me help me am dying, she wanted a ambulance but the nurse said 'no your stats are not that bad", but then they became much worse, I then held her hand and tried to clam her down at first she did, but then her stats just dropped and she died right in front of me, I can’t get over the fact that she was asking me for help and to hold her hand, she said to me you are more interested in watching the football than me, it’s killing me inside that I should have seen her death coming, and been more supportive, I feel so guilty, he was only 44 and I feel robbed of at least another 10 years.