Guilty for laughing

Hi Everyone … just over ten weeks now since I lost my husband … he was only 36 and I have a 4 and 5 year old … So much has happened in the ten weeks me and my babies moved home … I could not afford the old one my husband worked I was a stay at home mum…I went through the earlier stages not eating not sleeping locking my self away … but recently I have had to get on with things my eldest is five …I have to get him to school…my kids were fed up of be being down crying…they wanted there fun mummy back… so bit by bit I’ve done a bit more …taken them out met friends and family …and I’ve started to realise I have the strength… however today I went for coffee with friends and I laughed and smiled and gossiped. I felt relieved …but now I have come home I feel terrible guilty that I don’t care that people will think I don’t care…I’m now very low…I feel like I have disrespected him…my heart aches every day with his loss. But I want to be a good mum

Hello,
Let me tell you something. It is very, very easy to talk yourself down to a low mood, especially when you feel guilty after your loss. And hard to talk yourself back up again. Guilt is very common in our circumstances, and having fun times with friends does not mean that you are uncaring. You will grieve for your husband for a while yet, but your children must come first and I feel certain that your husband would agree with this. You need some light relief at this most difficult times, it acts as a kind as a kind of release and bodes well for your future. What other people are or are not thinking is of no concern - in truth those who know you will be happy to see you out and enjoying yourself a bit. Your husband will never truly leave you, and in many ways remain a source of support and guidance. Take tour strength and comfort from this, and be the magnificent mum that I am sure you are. And when you feel low, or a bit of wobble come on, just post here and we will support you. Take care and live free, Tulabelle xxx

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U don’t know how much your message has just meant to me …it was really just what I needed…I love my babies so much I call them babies they are 4 and 5…they deserve to be happy…I’ve always been honest on here my husband died after a week long of binge drinking…he was not an alcoholic no one can make sense of it… he had a great job we had a wonderful marriage and he adored his kids …but this year from Jan he started binge drinking…he would stop and start nearly once a month…it had happened in the past but maybe twice a year … this was different…it was constant…a doctor suggested mental health my husband would not hear of it…I have so many questions that will never be answered…I’m angry at him and also heartbroken…my babies saw him drunk and it was a life I couldn’t have stayed in…I never dreamed it would end this way. I thought I could help him change him…but he thought he was under control…it’s heartbreaking…sorry I’ve gone off conversation I do that alot I guess explaining makes me feel better

Hello again Michelle,
I’m pleased that you felt able to talk openly about your husband’s death. Sometimes we have to learn to just let things be. I have no doubt that there are lots of questions for which you would like answers, but as you continue on your journey you will find that this will become less of an issue for you. I think what is important is that you make sure that your children remember their dad as a happy and loving dad who cared for them above all things. You may feel some guilt and sorrow that you were unable to save your husband from his binges, but I can assure you that you should not. Mental ill health is a terrible thing, and if someone who is suffering does not want to engage and confront their demons, there is not a lot that can be done. And never, ever think that because he died in the circumstances he did, he did not love and care for you all. In all probability you will never find the cause of his behaviour, and you will just have it let it go over time. Please do not let it colour the rest of your life. Keep on posting when you feel you need to, we are all here to support you. Take care and sleep well, Tulabelle xx

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