Had a wee bit of a breakdown and needed to share.

Hi Everyone,
I have been greeting myself stupid just now and needed to share. First a wee bit of background, do skip this if you have been reading my other posts, its just a catch up for me. As some of you know I lost both my mum and dad. My mum in may and dad a few years ago. I have been having a clearout in my house of late as something to do because I put it on the back burner when I was looking after mum etc. Anyway its been werid because when mum died I started grieving dad. I have been kinda of hurt and angry at her because of stuff over the years where she always favoured my brother and I thought she didnn’t love me so I always felt pushed out . She said she loved me but a lot of the time her actions felt different. I know she did love me its just I realised from a young age that my brother was her favourite. If I told a stranger they just poo poo but close family have seen different. But that is not to denigrate my mum she was the kindest person in the world to strangers. I just felt a little left out at times as a child and felt I brought myself up at times when I really needed my mum.

However as I grew older we became close she used me like I was her best friend and confided in me and stuff. And I doted on her. Yet after all the horrid things my brother and nephew have done to me it has been hard for me to grieve and remember the good times. Also when she was ill I kept telling how nice it was that other cancer patients had left letters to their family and how I hoped for one we discussed it including with another cancer patient who was in the same situation as her but I never got a letter. I hoped so much that that is what she might have left me.

Anyway today when clearing up I found an old birthday card, Not too old but it was a special birthday and many of the times my mum half-arsed my birthdays she meant to do something special but anyway. So anyway I thanked her very much and put the stuff away. However the card had just fallen out the bag and I came across it and saw the back which I hadn[t noticed before and it was a picture of me and my dad (not a great one of either of us its quite blurry but still) and a wee message about them going through them leaving the house to go to the hospital on the day I was born . About de-icing the car and saying that they both loved me very much. It was a while after dad had died . Thats the whole message. Its just that I never saw it before because it was printed on the back of the card. I am in total floods. So much for clearing out the house.

Thanks for letting me share.
Take care all
Meebee

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Actually here is the message in its entirity I know its silly but I am in complete floods now.

Mum wrote
"I remember the day you were born. It was freezing and your dad had a job to de-ice the car. (starting to panic).
I knew he would do it and we made it to the hospital in time. We both love you very much.

Thanks for letting me share.

It happens Meebee. It’s one of those awful things that goes with grief. Memories can strike like a blow when we least expect it. I find silly little things can upset me so easily. I am getting better at going to places we went to together, then when I come home some silly thing like a spoon my wife used to use upsets me.
There is no accounting for any of this and, to be honest, is it worth trying? I let emotions come when they will. Blocking them can cause physical problems. The card has obviously upset you. Try and see it as maybe a message that all is not lost. You may know better than anyone what I mean
Take care and love and a hug. John.

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This was the reply given by an old man about grief.
"As for grief, you’ll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it’s some physical thing. Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it’s a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O’Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don’t really want them to. But you learn that you’ll survive them. And other waves will come. And you’ll survive them too. If you’re lucky, you’ll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks."

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Hi. Daffy. Wow!!! Now that is really something and so true.
Metaphors are useful and I use them a lot. Like heading into the wind until the storm passes. The old guy sure knew a thing or two about grief. That’s just how it goes. I have survived many shipwrecks and now I let the waves break over me. They are still biggish waves but I can cope with them.
Thank you so much for that. Very best wishes. John.

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To Jon and Daffy
Thank you so much for those heartfelt and wonderful messages I loved and appreciated them both. Thank you for making a difference. I think its the first time it was the first time I actually grieved for my mum everything else had got in the way before and i felt guilty but I guess it will come now and yes it is hard and good. Well not good but you know I knew it would hit me sometime but I thought it might not be for a while, There you go. Thank you for your messages this site just makes such a difference being able to put things out there and someone somewhere on here understands and you feel not so alone in your grief so it makes it a little easier to bear.
Blessings to you both and thanks again.
Meebee

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That’s fantastic to read. So glad you have it in writing, you knew they loved you, but the mind can start playing tricks, did they really love me as much as I think they do etc, now that you have it in writing you can always use this as proof.

Wow! This is so true. It’s beautifully written.

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Hi Daffy
Thanks you so much for letting us read what the old man said about grief. Those of us who have been on this journey longer can conform that every word is perfectly correct and I hope it gives the newly bereaved hope that they will survive this terrible time. I am not saying forget, or moving on but just being able to survive the waves and be able to function and breathe again.
xxx

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