Think I would take death just to get away from this world.
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I fully understand I lost my wife of 27 years followed by my father 5 weeks later leaving me on my own. There are days I feel the same, no one wants their loved ones to die that also includes the ones we have lost in us. It’s very hard but we need to go on for them. They would want us to go on
I lost so much, a pearent, best friend, my rock, everything. I’m jumping from 1 thing to another. I had to go to hospital today, something I been doing since June last year. Sometimes 3,4 times a week. But at least once a week. Then I got this stupid fight with the council regarding parking permit and fines . I got my mum’s sister in Oz, if I could leave it would be very tempting. I’m only getting pip at the moment too. So yes worried about the future regarding money. When I think about it I don’t how I survived since June last year. I had 5 fractures in my back, that jumped to 7 in July. Had to have teeth out to start a bone strengthning drug. I’ve had to do this all alone ! Every message I read on here I fully understand and can relate too 100 percent. I mean that! life just seems practically impossible and the world feels like it’s trying to kill us off but slowly.
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I feel exactly the same now the funeral is over . I have a screenshot of my wife on the phone and always thinking of what I had with my soulmate/ wife/ lover etc .
I still have to have an internment of the ashes and to sort out the main headstone which won’t be for months .
What’s the point at the moment , will this last forever these feelings ??
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Im led to believe that the correct answer is yes, we’ll continue to have these feelings but that there’ll be so much new stuff packed round them that we won’t be aware of them so often.
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I once had someone say we are only given what we can bear; my response isn’t printable but if it’s true you must be one of the toughest going. Can’t believe how much you’re dealing with… and still getting up and facing it every day. Incredible.
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I have no choice, it’s where my life is.
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@PSHm3
The inquest is brutal. Just digs up everything that happened on ‘that’ day, and leading up to it.
It’s set me back a bit more than I was expecting, but hey ho… it’s the process one must go through. The final chapter.
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Thinking of you 🩷 and brutal is such an apt word for that “process” x
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Well I made it to the doorway of the group session yesterday but couldn’t go in!
Book judging by covers didn’t help but I took one look and felt it wasn’t for me. Absolutely no disrespect intended but I’m not ready to be that old.
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Life’s a challenge and death is part of that. We learn from the minute we are born and never stop learning. Death is part of that learning process, it’s new to us. But today’s world makes it really hard as there’s not much kindness, love, compassion, support, guidance in fact guidance it doesn’t exist. But we expected to do the right thing, how can we do the right thing if we don’t know ? coming on here and reading post, we know the following.
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grief, loss is very difficult to deal with.
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The isolation that comes with it will change us forever.
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Relating to life and the magnitude of our loss hits us like a freight train.
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What we read on here, is how we feel.
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Maybe what we had we took for granted and now we realise the magnitude of the loss of that loved one.
I didn’t know if being diagnosed with Myeloma Cancer was a blessing or a curse, I’m still not sure regards that, I might never be. What will be will be, the world is such a cruel place these days. If we was to die tomorrow would we truly except it ? I think I would, as I would see it as an escape from today’s cruel world. We deserve so much better!
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Final chapter of one book perhaps. Time to start another?
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@PSHm3
Well quite. Another chapter will no doubt begin, maybe it already has, I don’t know, it doesn’t ‘quite’ feel like it yet, but I have a sense of ‘something’.
I think my pragmatism has helped me enormously through what has gone on. I accept what he did, and also know it was the absolute last resort. By God, he tried, but the demons won. I feel no anger towards him.
Why should I?
Who am I to say he should have lived such a crap, dreadful life with those demons. That’s an awful thing to expect someone to do. All my previous opinions on suicide have gone out of the window.
When I explain that I want to have a new life (whatever that means, I suppose I mean a ‘different’ life), people equate that to thinking it’s easy.
Of course it isn’t, and it won’t be, but then very little in life is ‘easy’; I know that I won’t sit in the corner and dribble until I too expire, as that is not who my husband married, and it is not in my nature to do so.
As hard as it sounds (reads), we all only have one life, and it is passing us by as I type. What is the saying “Life is what happens while you’re busy making plans’” or words to that effect.
Of course my life will never be the same, and it isn’t by choice, but one day, it will start to be ok on more days than it is crap, and I look forward to that.
H
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Hi Helen,
If you’ll excuse more of the book analogy, make sure that it’s your book and that you write it yourself - your words, your plot, your way. There will always be people telling you what to read and what to write ( guess I’m doing that now, sorry!) some meaning well, some just because they think they know best; it’s pretty clear from what you’ve written on here that you have the strength to ignore them.
I would recommend pen and paper though, more personal somehow and much easier to make false starts, cross bits out, scribble notes and rough ideas etc
I think you can make something out of that…
The only thing that’s helped me at all so far is writing my wife’s obituary and most of the service itself. Very definitely pen and paper, unplanned and nothing like what I had in mind when I started. Cathartic though.
Incidentally, I loved your sounds (reads) bit…the distinction, like say/write, hits the English teacher in me every time!
One more saying that seems very apt now too(an ancient Greek one apparently)
’ Man plans, the gods laugh’
Good luck finding your more ok days soon,
but ( sorry, I can’t help but write this bit) until then I hope you find some decent toilet paper to help you deal with the crap ones.
Phil
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Hi there, i know how you are feeling, i lost my beautiful wife Kelly 5 months + 6 days ago, she was only 45, from the time she was diagnosed to the time she passed away in my arms 3 and half months thatt all, she passed away the day after our 18th anniversary, we had been together 24 years and i wish i had gone with her, life without my soulmate my best friend is unbearable, i can’t see my future without her by me side, the thing that does help the pain a little is to think not what we has lost but how lucky we all was to have the experience of true unconditional love even if it was for me just only 24 years, plus i was lucky to say good by to her laying on a bed in the sun with our heads together as she took last breath some of her family and friends around her,
I’m in a very bad way myself at the moment for the last 3 months i’m having trouble walking it’s so painful it’s as if i’m going through the same thing as my wife but i’m having to work and it really hard, how i haven’t just collapse on the floor, my wife is there with me giving me the strength i need and i know your love one is with you by your side giving you the strength you need,
So remember your not on your we’re all here together going the same and having the same feelings take care x
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Matthew, reading this is like me, i lost my beloved husband on 23rd November to cancer too, he had just turned 50 in June, we had celebrated our wedding anniversary on 19th October, we were together for 22 years and 22nd October we found out he had cancer, 13th November we were told there was nothing they could do as it spread to his lungs and his lungs, he was moved to a hospice on 19th and passed 5 days later.
I only had 4 weeks from the diagnosis with him. He was my life and my everything.
So sorry for your loss, i understand how you feel
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I lost my soulmate 4 months ago to pancreatic cancer that had spread to her liver. 4 days before she past i lost my sister she was visiting my wife when she collapsed beside her bed with a brain bleed and died.
I felt like i’d went over a waterfall and i’m caught up in the turbulence below and not getting out, i’m starting to see a way out being on here and see what other are going through on this journey forward. I know there will be stumbling blocks on our way,and i’m sure our loved ones will be behind us to pick us up.
Take care there’s always others here to help. 
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Thought I was coping…
Then I end up pulling the car over because I’m crying so much I can’t see the road.
Not a good day.
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I would advice people to get help with their grief and keep a open mind.
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Unless necessary i would hold back on the driving last thing you need is an accident your hurting enough at the moment.
Take it easy.
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