Why do people expect me to feel better now the funeral is over? It’s worse. At least I had something to focus. Now there’s just…nothing. Just the dawning reality of loss, emptiness and despair. I’ve had enough.
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Things do get better. it takes a long time. I m just starting to come to terms after 3 months. you will have good and bad days take each one as best you can
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Hi I’m new to this forum . Sadly where none of us wants to be . I lost my husband , age 54 6 months ago . I’m having a bad day today . Just can’t get him off my mind . As you all say the loneliness and it’s shattered my life . I’m now on my own almost constantly . I don’t feel like this every day now but it still creeps up on me . I feel so bitter our life together is gone . I have family and friends but nothing changes this awful feeling . I know exactly what is meant by the funeral . Once it’s over every else’s lives go back to normal
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I lost my beloved husband 9 weeks ago, he was 50, ive been told to stay strong, move on and find someone else, i miss him everyday and struggling without him, the tears haven’t stopped since
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9 weeks and someone has already raised moving on and finding someone else?
I woke consumed with grief as usual but right now all I feel is fury on your behalf.
When faced with somebody’s grief people, although well meaning, often don’t know what to say, feel awkward and say something stupid, but this is appalling.
I’m so sorry that you’ve found yourself on here., I know the stuggling and the tears only too well. All I can say at the moment is that on here you’re safe to say what you want, however you want, without being judged or facing moronic comments from people who just dont understand. I hope you find the support and comfort you deserve.
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@PSHm3
Yes the point at which your mind lets you see the permanence of your new future, new normal is excruciating. I’ve previously described it as like arriving at the edge of a cliff and getting hit with vertigo. Apparently the trick with vertigo is to focus on something close, rather than look into the distance. And that’s the only thing I can recommend now, is just take hours or days at a time and don’t think too much (way easier said than done!) about longer term. Just congratulate yourself for getting through mundane everyday stuff.
You got to this point pretty quickly. My brain stayed numb and in shock for almost a couple of months before something triggered what you are feeling.
I noticed where you are based. If you are interested there is a Sue Ryder grief kind group that meets at Fischer Medical in town on Friday mornings. Not for everyone I know, but thought I’d mention it.
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@PSHm3 Ah yes, the ‘You’re getting over it’ comments.
You are still, and will be for a while, on that rocky and bumpy road full of potholes. Occasionally there will be a smooth patch. I am 4 months next week, and my thought process is improving, still not great, but slowly getting better, meaning I can manage my grieving ‘much’ of the time.
After the funeral is often when we feel the worse, because as you rightly say, ‘This is it’ This is now the rest of your life. But, and I know you will doubt it, and it probably sounds like a cliche, you ‘will’ move from the sheer raw hell and very slowly your thoughts will calm down so that you can start grieving properly after the initial shock, and in time, and only ‘you’ will know, ok…ish days will happen.
This is also the time, when people will ‘expect’ you to ‘get on with it’. Tell them to bugger off. There is no room for niceties with grief. It’s about you, and no-one else.
For me, the funeral was in November, but now I have the damn inquest to get through soon, 4 months after his death, so it’s Groundhog Day all over again.
Look after yourself.
Helen
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I’m so sorry for your loss, seems a cliché but is usually sincere. Unless they’ve been here, sadly, people don’t understand that it’s so much more than loss. Stolen dreams, anger, bitterness; shock, hopelessness and loneliness; the certainty that the life you knew has gone, the fear of having to face a new future when all you want to do is give up and go back; all these still only scrape the surface of what your ‘loss’ really means.
The only hope at all comes in your saying that you don’t feel this way every day now. Hold on to that if you can.
Thank you Sarie.
Perhaps I’ve got here more quickly as I’ve been anticipating this for more than 3 years. It doesnt help.
That long battle though, each chemo session , hospital appointment, set back etc became such a part of our daily lives that, stupid as it seems, somehow, it would just go on. Over the last few months my wife pulled back from leaving several times but continued to deteriorate, even when she came home with ‘anticipatory meds’ though, even when she was readmitted to hospital at the very end, a huge part of me still seemed to expect things to just continue.
She’s gone now. I’m terrified that a new sense of things just continuing is settling over me already.
I’ll try to find out more about the Friday morning sessions though I can hear excuses for not doing so already running through my mind… Fear of walking through the door for the first time, anger at the lack of contact from my local hospice etc are already pulling at me.
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Thank you again Helen. There’s no hierarchy to grief and loss but yours seems particularly cruel. I can only hope that the horrors the inquest will inevitably bring back pass as quickly as possible.
Good luck doesnt sound right but you know what I mean
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@PSHm3
Yes I do get the anticipatory aspect. My hubby had a remitting relapsing cancer for nearly 11 years, with 6 major relapses in that time. Basically on one chemo regime or another for all of that time, two stem cell transplants, 3 spine ops, 2 DVTs, 4 detached retinas… etc. etc. etc. It was a tough ride, appointment after appointment, test results a plenty, but you adapt to each new normal as you say. We got told he had 4 to 6 months back in Feb 2023 but he was having none of it and pulled through. When it came, with a sepsis like infection, in August last year it sounds mad but it was still a huge and unexpected shock. I think I was then so damned tired to my very core that I didn’t react for a couple of months, I just didn’t have the energy.
I too wonder if I’m doing what we always did which was just deal with whatever got thrown at us and carry on assuming he’d beat the odds stacked high against him. I feel like I’m avoiding the truth, like distracting myself, just only sometimes squinting sideways at the elephant in the room, the horrible truth.
Yeah I get you about the Friday morning sessions. I wasn’t sure I could do it either. I went once before Christmas. Not sure if it was just bad timing (too much xmas talk and families talk) or too early or just not for me but I admit I’ve not been back. However there was a chap there who seemed like a regular, a nice chap who might have benefitted from some male company.
We were I think quite lucky with initial palliative care support from Manorlands and they made useful stuff happen for us, but we didn’t have to use the hospice.
Jill and I had a couple of visits from Manorlands but she was adamant she wanted to be at home. At the very end I conceded that I needed more help, even brief respite, so I could be her husband not her carer, but Manorlands had no room. She ended up in Airedale after all.
One of many things I think I got wrong .
Since losing her on New Year’s Eve I’ve had nothing from Manorlands which leaves me quite bitter to be honest. I know I need help moving forward but am really unsure what or where.
Off to collect her ashes tomorrow and fear I’ll fall apart afterwards.
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Please allow yourself to feel these emotions… they’re normal… whatever normal is please take care… talk anytime 
🩷
My partner passed away in June 2024, I have just found daily life difficult, and the emptiness and despair is really taking its toll now, I just want to die to be with my partner. Nothing left for me now.
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Hi @Percybella,
I’m so sorry to hear about your partner. It sounds like today has been particularly tough for you.
We know that a lot of people experience suicidal thoughts when they are grieving, and it is often about wanting the person who has died back or life to go back to how we know it. We have a video about it here which you might find helpful:
https://griefguide.sueryder.org/support/suicide
There is lots of other support out there, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone about how you are feeling.
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If these thoughts of suicide become overwhelming, please call 999 or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.
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You can call 111 and choose the mental health option to speak to a trained mental health professional (England, Scotland and Wales only)
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Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.
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Shout are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text REMEDY to 85258 and talk to them about anything.
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You can also find your local NHS urgent mental health helpline.
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Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: sueryder.org/counselling.
You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area.
You deserve care and support so please do get in touch with one of these services.
I hope anyone else reading who is struggling today finds these links helpful. Please keep reaching out,
Seaneen
GP says I urgently need grief counselling. Got a message this morning saying a minimum 6 months wait.
Do I bother to go private and, if so, where do I start to look?
I’m sorry it’s such a long wait, @PSHm3. Whether you want to go private or not is up to you - maybe it is worth exploring. You can find counsellors privately on the Counselling Directory:
https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/bereavement-search.html
I really hope you get the support that you need.
Take care,
Seaneen
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Hi just wanted to let you know that ive been waiting for 3 months now for my grief counselling, they ring up now and again saying it will be a few weeks. I been waiting since the end of November
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Doesn’t inspire you with confidence does it. At least it’s something to direct our anger towards I guess. Maybe we should start our own self help group…
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I can guarantee there will be someone in a worse position. You can swap places with me if you want ?
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In a fight with the council regarding parking fines.
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Loss of my mum in August 23
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Diagnosed with Myeloma Cancer in June, that’s a death sentence as there’s no cure. Treatable yes, due to go into hospital for a Stem Cell Transplant on 10th March. This carries risk to life 2 -3 percent of death via treatment, Risk of infection - critical care ward, risk of sepsemia. Not to mention how I will feel afterwards. Care to change places ?