Today would have been our 32nd wedding anniversary.
There are days I still can’t believe that I am in this position and how things tragically unfolded for my amazing family.
I have cleared the day and have nothing planned, as I decided to have a day for just me and my husband ( who died in March this year, after a short battle with an aggressive, incurable cancer, aged 56)
I still have teenage kids at home, and the older ones come home a lot from uni as they are finding their grief so difficult to manage. So I don’t get a lot of time alone just for me to grieve, and often feel
like all I do is support my 4 kids and try to keep the family together and functioning.
I’ve been reading posts this morning, as I come on here when I feel low, and it is clear that everyone manages their grief in their own way.
Doing what’s right for yourself is key to moving forward I think, but I do strongly feel that how others respond to your loss has a huge impact on your ability to cope.
Like many on here I have been shocked and hurt by how awful some of my closest family and friends have behaved, and amazed by how kind and compassionate people who I wasn’t so close to have been.
I find it hurtful when people don’t want to mention my husband and I still struggle with how people treat me differently - the pitying looks, the complete avoidance or even the sudden desire to be my best friend and fix me !!
Death is something we need to be able to talk about better in society.
This site does a great job of that and I find it amazing that even in the darkest of days people can still have compassion and kindness for others. Please keep that going fellow grievers - a little kindness can make such a difference.
I have had lots of that and I thank everyone here who has responded or reached out to me when I was really struggling.
As for Halloween- we always loved the day and I hope in time I will come to find it not so sad.
I will always love my husband - we truly had a fabulous life together and I have no regrets, and I know how lucky I am to have had him in my life, and for the years we had together.
My heart breaks for me, my kids, and also for him, as he will miss growing old with me and seeing them grow up and maybe have kids of their own.
He would have been an amazing grandpa. Our loss is something we will have to endure forever, but in time and with lots of effort, I pray it will become less difficult to manage.
Sorry - long post and well done if you’re still here - I don’t expect that to be many.
Now I have that off my chest I feel a bit lighter and I will go try and celebrate our special day in the best way I know how.
Hope everyone has as good a Halloween as they can.
Sending love and strength. 
Xx
