How do you cope with remembering the things that were not so good during your marriage. We were married for 24 years and although we deeply loved each other and I do have some lovely happy memories, at times we fought like cat and dog. Nearly always because of her long term battle with alcohol which she lost just over a month ago.
I look back and think that if only I had been able to handle it better, that she might still be here now. As child I lived in an alcoholic family and because of it I don’t think that I was able to give the support that she needed. When I could either detect that she had been drinking or she had done something that was clearly the result of it, I would tend to either withdraw into my shell and hide from the problem or on same occasions, that I now feel deeply ashamed off, shout at her. There were occasions when I overcame my problems dealing with it and tried to help her, but she would never admit to the problem.
I have mentioned in other posts that for a number weeks before she passed away, that she has turned her life around, sadly too late. But the month before that was the worst of my entire life. I had become used to a life of working a full time job while also being here carer when she was too week to move. Not a happy life, but we had each other and I was always so gentle when attending to her. But during this month from hell she drank so such an extent that she would just lie in here own mess and expect me to clean it up. and again to my shame I was not as gentle as I should have been while helping her because I felt so angry. I am sobbing my heart out while I type this because I regret this so much. Perhaps this is too much detail for this forum but I need an outlet other than my weekly session with the counselor.
The only thing that keeps me going at the moment is that after the final spell in hospital that resulted from that month, she for the first time ever admitted to the problem and tried so hard to turn our life around. And during those weeks not a harsh word was exchanged between us. But the remorse over the not so good times claws at my heart continuously.
The only things that help are either the pills from the doctor or the too many G&Ts that I’ve had over the past few week. The last of which has to stop because I don’t want to end up the same although these have been the only alcohol drinks that I have had in the house for more years than I can remember. Without this I am continuously in tears, breaking down so many times a day that I cannot keep count.