Some days are just so much harder than others, all days are really, but some just really wipe the floor with me and it’s all I can do to put one foot in front of the other, there just seems to be no end in sight.
I keep trying to tell myself there are people much worse off than me, but I miss my Jimmy so much, all I can do is cry
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Hi @Fiona.67
I don’t know why some days are harder but that’s the thing about grief - no pattern, no logic, nothing is predictable but it’s so exhausting and debilitating.
Here you will find you can say anything which is on your mind and have people understand it, which helps so much.
In case us helps you to know that for me, over11 months later, the days of nothing but sobbing are mostly over. Yes, I still get bad days but I now class them as bad if a have a proper sobbing session or multiples of more gentle tears.
On a good day I don’t cry at all, even when talking about my darling Richard. Tears are almost never far from the surface but less debilitating and I am living a life which includes laughing, going out, albeit not to places we went to together, and meeting up with friends. I plan to keep trying to make him proud of me and to look after all that mattered to him to the best of my ability. Richard still inspires me every day and he’s in my heart every day and always will be.
I don’t expect to get over this loss but I do expect of myself that I will make a good life and have purpose to it. That is my conscious choice.
There are inspiring people on here like @Lonely and @Vancouver to name a couple who helped me earlier on in my journey.
We are here for each other as well as ourselves so post any time for support and to get feelings off your chest.
Love and hugs to you
Karen xxx
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Thank you, I feel safe putting my feelings on here, my friends and family are amazing, but I know they just don’t understand, I hope they never will, I have one friend who does, as she sadly lost her husband about 15 months ago, but sometimes we can just talk eachother into some very dark corners, (if that makes sense) and I know it hurts them when I say I just want to go to sleep and join him.
I go out with them, when they ask and try to look like I’m doing ok, they just don’t get that I will never feel whole again, they are all great believers in time being a healer
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I know i feel like that too ! I wish God would take me as well - i feel like my life is over really tbh … apart from my puppy il just don’t feel i have anything to live for and i hate this solitary life 
without my husband. Right from the off i said i wish we had gone together …in a car crash or something together ! It would’ve been kinder than all this pain i dont understand why we have to go through all this pain ? 
ive never had an easy life … i guess some people just arent meant to … that’s all i can think
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@Fiona.67
I would say time eases rather than heals, then we get ambushed by another thing when we least expect it.
We do have understanding here though so thank you everyone.
Karen xxx
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I love the positivity in this post. It’s good to hear that things have improved for you, as it continues to give me hope by the things you say, that it does get better.
I want to live a life with purpose and my Rich would want that for me too.
Thank you for sharing x
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I lost my Richard after 5 months of 24/7 care having being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and being hit with 3 life threatening hospital infections last autumn.
I managed to get him home but still angry they just started chemo in February and he died 3 weeks later after the cancer had spread to his liver and he had a gastric blockage. I’m so sad (and mad) they didn’t do a CT scan before the chemo started which would have enabled him to be transferred from medical to palliative care and spend his last 2-3 weeks in hospital rather than a very rushed 2 days. The chemo gave him false hope he’d got another c 6-12 months but it wasn’t to be. We’d been together over 40 years and carried 33 years. I’m facing a number of ‘firsts’ and it’s hard. So very hard, but
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….but I’m going to write our ‘too little, too late’ story down and share to try and help others in this impossible and devastating situation. I wish I knew then what I know now which would have helped. It would be so easy to stay in and drown in my sorrows and tears but I’ve decided I can help share others facing this hideous nightmare and also started volunteering with a charity I was involved in growing up, Pancreatic Cancer UK and the local hospice who made Richard’s last two days so peaceful and allowed me to stay with him do he died in my arms at 3.40 am. I’ve also made the huge decision to do one of our bucket list travel destinations on my own for our 34th wedding anniversary in his memory this year. I’m not sure if I’m brave or stupid but just feel the need to be anywhere but home and honour our amazing time together and his memory somewhere we dreamed of going. I had only retired 6 months and now having to rethink my future without my soulmate and beloved husband. Time will tell and whilst I can’t bring my wonderful Richard back, I’m going to try my best to keep his memory alive and be as strong as I can be for my grandson and family - and me until we meet again.
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