Have you ever wondered?

Dear all,
I’m 21 months plus into losing my darling wife Anne. Recently things have been getting worse on occasions. But I’m wondering; do any of you feel there may be a grey area between grief and self pity ? Emotions hopping from one to the other? And if so - how have you recognised this.

Hi James
Yes i think one goes with the other without question. I also believe we are entitled to self pity. I try not to over indulge in it but I do feel sad for myself having lost the dearest thing in my life. I think self pity is part of grief


Dear James,

Yes, there is a definite grey area between grief and self pity.

My husband of 47 years died nearly seven years ago and I have, on so many occasions since he died, said that I cry for him not being here and I cry for myself because he is not here and I feel so sorry for myself but most of all I feel sorry for what Peter has missed since he died, our son getting married and our fourth grandchild being born.

At the beginning I cried and screamed for Peter to come back home, I could not clear out his clothes and belongings for nearly three years because I honestly thought that when he came home again he would need them. One morning I woke up and decided it was time, so I went through everything, I smiled and I cried for the things I found in his pockets, it was like going through a schoolboys clothes, half eaten tube of polo mints, tissues, train tickets, bus tickets and a comb. I kept back a jacket, shirt, tie, trousers, underwear, socks and shoes and they still hangin his wardrobe next to many of my clothes.

As the years passed, I still cried every night and wished for a time machine to travel back to 1964 when we first met. Now I cry for him not being here, for missing the last seven years and I cry for myself because I am alone and life has and never will be the same again.

I have many, many friends from the 1960’s who still have their husbands but now they are starting to go through what we went through when Peter started being ill, eight years before he died.

I will be honest with you, I, in one way, feel sorry for what they have facing them but on the other hand I don’t because when Peter died, they all came to his funeral but then got on with their lives.
I got a phone call from one of these so called friends last week, I had not heard from her since she sent me a Christmas card a few weeks after Peter died, wishing me a wonderful Christmas, it went in the bin. She told me her husband was failing and undergoing Chemotherapy, I told her I was sorry and hoped everything would be okay. I said I had to go but would ring her later, which I didn’t. I cannot forgive her for not keeping in touch for nearly seven years after Peter died.

So yes, I do feel sorry for myself because we had the most fantastic marriage and life together and since Peter died the future holds nothing for me.


Thank you Lonely for sharing such private and totally understandable feelings and events. I can totally empathise with you all the way. I too have been somewhat disappointed by the lack of total support but in my case from relatives. Perhaps I’m expecting too much as they have their lives to live whilst mine is empty and meaningless without my darling loving soulmate of 50yrs. X

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Oh yes James i agree with you…perhaps we expect too much. life is just so hard going to bed getting up to face another day alone.
My darling husband died 17 months ago from sporadic cjd…life goes on around us.
Hopefully we will soon feel life as a meaning again,
i do hope so its s… at the moment.X


Grief and self pity are inevitable when you loose the love of your life. But how can you not feel self pity when grief has been the major cause of it. You cannot help any emotion that affects you. It is just a natural response to your own way of feeling as you do.

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