Haven't yet returned to the land of the living

Nearly 10 months since Mum/ Jenny died. Why am I still counting? Time feels chaotic and meaningless.

Everyone thinks I am ok but I’m living a half-life, not really alive but obviously not dead.

Want to get away from this place where I grew up and where she died. But won’t be moving any time soon. So I feel like a ghost, floating around. Disconnected.

Trying to get stuff done, trying to connect with anyone, anything outside my head. I do a great impression of someone who has a zest for life… why am I pretending?

And yet I’m being a terrible partner at home, staring into space, not talking.

Don’t want to be this way. I see people having fun, happy to be together. I can barely smile.

Family has disintegrated since she died.

Feel there’s only emptiness ahead.

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Hi @Treehugger

I don’t often reply to posts on here, but I felt I had to for you.

The way you’ve explained how you are is how I fear I will continue to be when I hit 10 months, I’m just reaching 2 months on losing my Dad.

I completely understand where you’re at. I do exactly the same, it feels very lonely but seeing you and others on this site experience the same I know we’re not alone and coping as best as we can with an awful situation.

I am lucky I have my mom and sister, I don’t feel completely disconnected but do feel it to an extent as they’re so scared to upset me further no one really talks about what’s happened. It’s like an elephant in the room, I deal with things very different to them and I’m very emotional. I feel they choose not to talk to me to help me and themselves, I can’t blame them we’re all in so much pain.

I know everyone copes in their own way but it’s so hard to think about others pain when you’re struggling so much yourself. I hope you find some peace, as I wish for myself, although who knows when or if that will be possible in the future after such loss.

Take care

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Hi @Meg31

Thank you for replying. I’m so sorry about your Dad. I remember 2 months, feeling like it was getting to be a horribly long time since I’d seen my Mum. In a strange way that feeling was worse/ sharper then than it is now, maybe because I’m more used to it. So some things have shifted, although I’m finding it all comes and goes.

Sorry if my post has made you fearful for the months to come. I’m in a particularly bad patch at the moment. But of course it’s up and down.

I’m the ‘emotional one’ in my family too. I know how hard my family are finding it to connect and share time together. My Dad just doesn’t want to feel any pain, which is understandable.

So it hasn’t left me with many options except to be lost in my own thoughts or try and connect on here. I’m so grateful for this site and the things people write. It definitely helps at those moments when I feel lost beyond words.

You take care too. I will think of you when I’m lost in my thoughts (if that’s any comfort!) and I wish you that peace in return. I think it is there, fleetingly.

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