Having a bad day hit a wall

I’m a new member hoping my sharing may help me sorry if i go on a bit …
Tomorrow sees the 22nd week of my Fiance passing not sure whats going on 1st 9 weeks or so I just had days when i just howled frightened I wouldn’t stop , if I moved out of my bed it would only be to lay on sofa and only getting up for bathroom … I then knew i needed to go back to work that was hard we had worked on same shift for 20 years after 2 weeks it wasn’t working so i went onto earlies gave up being a manager … it was ok i was functioning at least but since friday its like almost going back to the beginning … today i woke up rang in sick to work with stress I tried to find someone to spend time with but everyone is either at work or busy with family … and I don’t want to drag them down …so i got in the car and drove to dunstable downs cried all the way … it was one off our favorite spots and its stunning this where i am writing this on the hill … I think one of problems is that we where best friends for 10years and then best friends with a bit extra for the next 10 years he was my soulmate my best friend my confidant we didn’t have many close friends we didn’t need them , we where just happy in our own company we rarely spent any time apart we both have Adult children his I am aware are dealing with there loss and I don’t want to burden them with mine .my 2 I don’t want them to see me upset … Is it wrong and selfish to be frightened about spending the rest of my life on my own I’m 50 and really can’t imagine getting anywhere close to what we had … I’m just so lonely will this ever change … I just miss him so much my son told me 6 weeks ago that he is going to be a dad I did all the excited grandma to be bit but drove home bawling my eyes becuase I want share this with him and really worried that since he passed which was so quick so unexpexted 32 days from a brain tumour that I’ve just not felt any love …seeing GP tomorrow i think i need support …another thing i’m struggling with is the housework …ironing which was his job and the paperwork is never ending …i’m glad i’ve found this site just get off my chest … I am glad though this is me going through this and not him xx

Hi SAR
I am sorry to hear about your devastating loss and to hear about the pain you are going through. I lost my eldest son in an accident on4th may this year and since then it feel like I am in a living nightmare. Grief comes in waves. Some days I seem to be ok, functioning on some level and other days I am just a mess, no energy, just do not want to do anything other than just sit around the house. I am due to return to work in a couple of weeks and I have to say that I am terrified, I work at the school that my children went to so everywhere I go is filled with memories of my son, our house, our street, the school, everywhere.
I am trying to learn to just go with how I feel on a daily basis, say no to things if I do not want to do them but it is important to be with people to I think, but not everyone can understand what you are going through so I have counselling every week and have joined groups like this for support, I could not deal with this on my own.
I do little bits around the house but it will still be here in a few weeks though I have considered if I should pay someone to do a big clean in the house just to take the pressure off.
I do help that you can get some help and please reply is you need to chat
Take care
Janet

Thanks Jan appriciate the reply really sorry to hear the sudden loss of your son … I
went to my GP this morning she gave me the number for cruise in my area , I rang but an automated message told me they are not taking anyone else on until spring 2018 my GP did offer me tablets but they worry me …my sister got addicted to prozac whilst suffering sever post natual depression…
I have just rang a councilling service because I feel I want to talk to someone about this without having to upset my family and friends …
I think getting some structure (not normality . I can’t imagine anything being normal again ) back into your life is a positive step but I get what you mean about the memories we both worked on same shift for 20 + years and although I was fortunate having to move on a diffetent shift it still hard … see if they will allow you to do it in stages go back before your due just for an hour to say hello to friends and collouges …that helped me a little getting it over with that 1st bout off how are you … it standard question because they don’t know what say or understand and lets face it why would you want them to( I say i’m functioning ) … and remember the good times he had there as well try and push that to the front off your brain sending my love and support … Use your good friends at work

Hi Sar
I lost my partner after being together for 9 years it will be 9 weeks on friday amd i can relate to so much you say. I am 52 and do not want this life and cant imagine being on my own now. I cry endlessly and just cant be botheted to do anything i have been off work since and cant even think about returning. I have never known such pain and sadness in my life.
I have been on anti depressants since last march when we had terminal diagnosis and had lorazepamfor first 2 weeks to help with sleep but still struggling with this. Unable to eat much but try and eat something every day but very difficult. I was referred to counselling by my gp but was then told i was not eligible as they dont support anyone who is grieving within 3 months. I have been to a bereavement group and found this helped and this is every 2 weeks. This is through hospital and for anyone whose life been affected by cancer. I read posts on here and find tjis helps just to realise i am not alone and you can rant if you want at anytime day or night.
Today i yried to sort out some things got as far as picking up slippers and opened pyjama drawer then collapsed in tears. I have no idea when i am ever going to be able to do this.
I would say take time from work but shate your grief with your children i do and cried today and was hugged by my granddaughter who 11. Think of it if they were in pain and suffering would you not want to help them and if they cried would this stop you ?maybe just one family member you can ralk to because talking does help but comes with lots of tears.
Take care and please use this site to share your feelings someone always here to listen.
Carol x

Morning All
Life is hard. Grief takes all your strength and energy, your will power and any joy you may have once had, but I have been told that it does get easier as you learn to live with the grief, trouble is we are all so early on in our grief that this seems such a long time in the future and I do not know about you guys but it is all I can manage to get through today. When I read the messages on this site I realise that the world is full of people in grief and pain but that society does not want to think about it. Many cultures give a person time to grieve, in fact it is expected that you grieve for a certain length of time and that those around you help you on your grief journey but western cultures seem to want you to be silent. People are afraid to ask you how you are sometime. I had a lovely lady who I hardly knew come up to me in the street as she had heard about my son. She just wanted to let me know that she was thinking of me but did not want to upset me more, I explained to her that nothing she could say could make me any sadder than I was, but the fact that she had approached me really touched me because she was unafraid to talk to me even though she hardly knew me.
As to my sons belongings, I find that although I know that at some point I will need to sort through some things, I cannot touch any of it, not even old scraps of paper, everything is just as he left it, I know I will have to at some point as he shared a bedroom with his little brother , but for now I cannot lose anything that he once held in his had or touched, I honestly think it is just too soon.
Take care everyone
Love
Janet

JanP
It is tough I have bad days really bad days I consider a good day if I’ve tidied something or ticked of some paperwork Although I have gone back to work … I’ve gone sick this week because I’m just struggling but hopefully found some help I’ve put myself in for some 121 councilling just need to talk to someone I don’t know … this is helping on this site … the people and our society … I’m sure we’ve all been there on the other side when something tragic has happenend to someone you know or on the news you cared at the time you’ve done the are you ok how can I help then you stop doing it cus lives busy and sad for them but " it won’t happen to me "and maybe without knowing what we’re doing beng a bit smug about your good life … until your life is blown apart and your that person and your left with "what the hell happened why us "
I don’t get upset by people even when I changed my shift from nights to earlies because I couldn’t cope with out working with Stu but my 1st morning a manager came up to me gave me a hug and said glad to see you its a new beginning a new start for you … as if changing my hours has made me forget the last 20 years with Stu …I just walked outside and broke down …
As for belongings why do you need a time limit …
5 months I may have packed some videos away … he had a lot of watches I gave 1 each to 6 off his close friends who carried his coffin (bless them they send me photos when they wear them ) …and he has some lovely shirts and cuff links and I’m going to make them into teddy bears stuffing will be his many tshirts and they will have waistcoats with his cufflinks as buttons these will be for his 2 grandaughters and his 2 daughters I will have glass boxes made for them they will be called Pappy bears …
But everything eventually will be boxed and put in the actic as I told his daughters its all there history … none of this will be rushed it doesn’t need to be … Stu had regrets when his dad passed so he always said if anything happens to him sort out what I Have to but everything else wait 6/12 months don’t make rash emotional decitions … keep going we here are all behind you x

Hi to Everyone on here.

I know these are older posts but the title really sums it up for me.

How right people are when they say grief comes in waves. I read these posts and can relate so much to it. I have been going through the motions today - shopping hoovering (which was always Geoff’s job) got a text from someone who’s just heard the news. It was full of good ideas of how I can get going in the New Year - doing voluntary work etc. It didn’t take long for the tears to come. My husband died 8 weeks ago, our best friend died the same day ( both unexpected), I have been diagnosed with Cancer and the business we built up over 26 years closed down the same day. My life is in pieces. I just want to close the door and not see or hear from anyone until the New Year. Then I suppose the pressure will start again " to get back to my old self" " keep busy" “go out and do something” don’t they understand I couldn’t care less about anything. Like most people on here I am trying to come to terms with the fact that my old life has gone and the future is very uncertain.

It helps to post on here - you are the only ones who really understand.

Yvonne

Hi Yvonne
just read your post it makes me quite sad whenever I hear somebody’s in the first few months of losing someone going through what you’re going through it reminds me of the absolute painfull rawness of grief and the days I would howl with grief and I didn’t think I’d ever stop. Appreciate you won’t feel this now and if somebody told me this at the time I just wanted them to shut up and get out my face I got sick to death of people telling me that time heals all I’m now 9 months down the road I don’t believe time heels but the sharp edges do soften I don’t believe that I will ever be the same person was 10 months ago I like you and so many of Us are about to go through a first Christmas and New Year Without the ones we want the most. I finished work yesterday and spent the last hour staying away from everybody just so that I didn’t get the merry Christmas and get the awkward I’m not quite sure what to say to you looks but we do have to deal with it sadly. have to …my new years this year would have been a year to the day that my partner of 10 years propose to me in a 5 star london hotel overlooking the eye watching the fireworks go off before we knew that he had a ticking time bomb in his head and that just 8 weeks later he would diagnoised with a grade 4 GMB and 32 days after this passed away … I’ve decided that this New Year’s Day I will be flying off to Las Vegas on my own I haven’t told his children or mine that I’m going because I don’t want them to feel like they’ve got to worry about me …all the you can’t be on your own but that’s all I want to be is on my own and at the end of the day I’ve got to get used to doing things on my own … every year we would go to London the first week of January five star hotel and go shopping and I just can’t imagine this year doing any of that I like you would be just as happy to shut the door stick a duvet of my head and pretend It’s All not happening but others have different plans … I’ve also made sure that when I come home I’m due to pick up golden Retriever puppy called buddy who I’m hoping will help me to have a reason to get out of bed everyday… all I can say is I’m thinking about you and your not on your own although i appriciate thats how you feel and just take one day at a time it’s crap and that’s the mildest word I can use I have used many worst words to the point my sister things i’ve torettes and as I said it upsets me of the people having to go through this and only we can fully understand that… take care txt tomorrow if you need to it helps a little to talk x x

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