I wish i had dreams of my Linda i didnt used to dream much before at all but Linda always had dreams some so not do nice she always said she wanted dreams of us nice ones but i hardly did id love to have some nice dreams of her but i haven’t had one only horrid flashbacks of that terrible night i lost my baby tonight is a hard night trying to listen to some of our tunes on youtube on tv that we both loved but it so hurts that i cant the tears are just flowing again even all the music on our local radio station i have to turn down and all the music cd here we collected between us and bought each other gathering dust the last ones linda bought me still there a painful reminder of our love of all sorts of music that we had it brought us together those 14 years ago when we got back in touch i was sat at home just finished work got in put the computer on and saw her on line we had got back in touch after 2 years been chatting on msn messenger said my usual first message of BOO then we start chatting for hours Linda had a few drinks that night the convo was flowing i knew i loved her from the first time i met her but i couldn’t say anything for work reasons and thought she was happy in a relationship but i was really wrong she wasn’t long story on that one which ended badly for her and took its toll
but looking back at the time we got back in touch on a cold new years day 2009 after a few vodkas she came out with THE QUESTION that changed my life from then on i saw it come up on my screen from her it said
Do you fancy me or what ?
I was like a rabbit in the headlights scared stunned frightened totally blindsided i just took a beep breath and thought well you lost her from 2 years ago having said nothing its now time to confess and not lose her again and so I did and replied yes dam right i do and said il come and see u tmoz she said I’m at work i said when is your break so i did go and see her on jan 2nd 2009 and the rest is history moved in together august 2010 and been happy as hell since until that horrid day 8th oct 2024 when my life stopped once more and my heart was broken forever so now i just cry that my soulmate isn’t here trying to work out what went wrong why was she taken away no answer comes just the deafening silence once more Just want to dream about my beautiful Linda would just be nice I’m so afraid il forget things memories times we had that thought fills me with dread I’m sorry for waffling on its just been so much going on its just relentless wish i had have had time to grieve for my Linda still waiting for my complex grief counceling to start but six month waiting times at least I’m told still 5 months left to wait then not sure il be saveable state by then thank you for reading my post my new found friends on here its much appreciated my love to all on here please take care of you it means a lot 
Martin xx
Oh, Martin, your story is so similar to mine, and I think most of us could write such an honest story, but aren’t brave enough to do so. So really well done!
I particularly remember being like a rabbit in the headlights, then suddenly deciding “what the hell have I got to lose?” I was a shaking wreck when I asked her out, and I seem to remember shaking even more when she smiled, and said yes!!
That resulted in us being together for 50 years, which ended 3 years ago this week.
We slowly make sense of our thoughts, your therapy is highly commendable. My Mindful therapy has been a Huge help.
You’ll never forget memories, bad ones fade and we can revisit the happy ones. This week I’m off for a few days revisiting the happy holiday destinations we always went to. I’ll think of her all the time, I’m sure I’ll get emotional from time to time, but mainly I’ll be smiling as I remember her and the things we said, and did!
You seem to have a lot of insight, and that is really important as you travel through your bereavement journey. It’s a tough path, but it gets easier and easier.
Be optimistic and positive, those bad dreams will fade. Good luck to you.
Hi,Martin. I try to go to sleep thinking of my Sue. I ve tried listening to a live cd of her favourite band. So i could try and remember the gigs we saw them and her face smiling. I t worked the first time. Then i tried it on a Friday. Friday is the night she collapsed and died early Saturday morning. So i have trauma of that night of me doing cpr to the Ambulance arrived. For whatever reason i relive that night every Friday in detail. I have been told that will disappear and good memories will come forward. I hope they do. Like you i am afraid of losing my memories of Sue. Music is like a photo one day it makes me remember good times the next it makes me cry. Take care
I too wish that I have many dreams of Mark, have only had 3 in 20 weeks. I am afraid that one day I will wake up and have forgotten about him
What I should have mentioned is that I also wrestled with myself, trying to answer the questions we all ask ourselves, “why did it happen? What could/should I have done better?”
I never forget on my first mindful therapy consultancy, I asked the therapist this same thing.
I’ve never forgotten her answer, which was the more remarkable because she is a loving, kind, softly spoken lady.
She said" SHIT HAPPENS!! "
We didn’t cause it, they didn’t cause it, nobody caused it. It’s just how life is. Whenever I start overthinking the unsolvable questions, I found that recalling this phrase has nearly always got my feet back on the ground, and I ask myself why I’m beating myself up over something so nonsensical.
What a lovely post Martin. Your love for each other shines through it. Please don’t worry that you’ll forget the good memories. You won’t. It’s over 4 years since Ian left me because of kidney cancer, but now I can think of our life, laughs, holidays, good days and bad and smile. I often laugh at things he used to say. He was such a joker. Take care Martin, keep putting one foot in front of the other and things will ease for you.
A friend, who has also been struggling through bereavement, just sent me this _a perfect message for us, to hold on to our good memories
Sorry, dont know what happened there - but it was good!
It is good, perfect as you say. Thank you
I have that cd somewhere. I will have to find it. We saw them a couple of times.
@tykey that is so ironic my friend disturbed is one of the groups me and my Linda started to collect there cd’s it was the last one she bought me we were listening to them in the car just few weeks before she passed and loved there music the first time we heard there version of sound of silence we just looked at each other and both said we have to get there album in sync together she was my little rock chick she was one in a million she loved guitar i used to try learn it way back but i gave it up so she bought me a guitar last summer said get on with it and get back yo learning it so you can play it to me then she loved guitar and her taste in music was just so varied but adored Gary Moore and pink floyd too Parisienne walkways was her fave of Gary but fleetwood mac and eagles too phil collins and so much more oh I’m so glad you had 50 years together so luck bud linda said just before her passing that she wanted 30 plus years together then this happened we only managed 14 beautiful years i know how you felt luckily i was on the other end of a computer so she couldn’t see me shaking when she asked that question but am i glad she asked it as one of her fave tracks says bring me to life evanescence and did she and app i did to her too we just had that ability to know exactly what each other was thinking
Thank you for the video il have look see if its on one of the cd’s she bought and also for the kind words it means a lot take care of you bud all the best
Martin
@JaneyS thank you my lovely for your kind words oh i really hope i don’t we made so many in the 14 years we were a couple its the thoughts of not being able to make any more that really kicks you hard even just waking round out home area is nigh on impossible for me at the moment i just lose it im so sorry to hear of you losing your Ian cancer is horrid and it took my dad in 2021 im so sorry you are on this path after me and linda cared for him till the end she was a carer as a job for some years both home and care home she was my rock she called me her rock but without her im nothing just a shell just like i was before she brought me to life in 2009 when we got back in touch after 2 years when she left where i worked but yes you are do right our love did shine her personality her aura was like a star just as the song we were always hearing by take that rule the world we was going to have that at our wedding it summed her up a treat and the banter between us was amazing she to had a great sense of humour you take care too and thank you so much again it means a lot
Martin
It is off the album Evolution.
@Poppet1973 hey poppet thats my fear too i haven’t had a single dream about my Linda since she passed im playing around in my head weather to see a medium or not at the mo but not sure what to do i dont know weather i should or not never been to anything like in my life it might hinder or help I’m glad you have had some of your Mark hope it was a good thing for you just wish id had something only thing I’ve had happen os Linda’s twig lights failed two weeks after she passed all at once despite there being 3 separate sets and 3 diff power supplies all went exactly the same time and i smelt her perfume one night few weeks back sat here in living room and it his me and was there for an hour and a half then faded away but it was nowhere else in the house really set me off into tears im sure your love is do strong you will never forget anything of your mark he is deep in your soul and part of you just as me and Linda was we have to hold onto that big hug thank you
Martin
I too thought about seeing a medium but want to wait a bit
@Nightwish1 hey im so sorry to hear of you losing your Sue and also your dad too I’m in that boat too lost my dad 2021 and linda last oct 8th my Linda loved so much eclectic music as do i she lived to hear live bands esp guitar rock hencecwhy in trying to carry on learning the guitar she bought me but of course it’s hurting her not being here see and hear me progress so ive took a step back from it it hurts that much but seeing it sat there after she bought it for me also hurts too cant win
i cant imagine how hard to do the cpr my friend was i just admire your courage doing that for her i know that must have been the hardest thing my next door neighbough had to do the same last year on his wife too we talk a lot and i can see how it affected him im not surprised you relive that fella yeah music is like photo’s but most times even listening to the radio is very emotional and difficult even lindas 70s radio gram i have here that was hers im now looking after it for as longs as poss but her daughter isn’t interested in her mums treasured possession which is difficult the get my head round as it has been part of her past and her mum and dads too but i just get no interest off her regarding things that were important to her mum i thank you for finding the album name i take a look later in the car to see if it is one of them that my linda had bought just before she passed
Take care bud
Martin
I just wish he was here with me, you don’t expect to become a widow at 51, he had just turned 50 in June, I feel like ive been robbed and Im angry with the hospital for not doing anything and sending him home every time without doing anything until it was too late
Thank you for your kind words. We were very lucky we mostly liked the same music. Sue used to be a big Whitesnake fan she had a crush for David Coverdale before they were big and before me. I always teased her and said she would run off with him. Then i introduced her many years latter to Nightwish hence my name and they became her favourite.
When you are ready you will pick up that guitar again you will probably cry but you will do it. It is hard with stuff, it is precious memories to us, but to other people it is nothing. I tried to give people things what i thought they might like of Sue’s just to keep her memory alive. Nothing which was to special to me. Take care
@Poppet1973 aww me too everyday i might wait a little bit but be nice if she just got something to me just to know she was ok be nice yeah im waiting gor a meeting with the heptoligy consultant to explain how it went do wrong over these last few years of linda being messed about by the hospital if they had pulled there fingers out she would mever had to go in and be subjected to the course of action they did and also expose her to the covid that took her even though we both had got covid before and only had a short issue and just like a really bad cold but not what that one did to linda they were complacent in ppe in that ward some very poorly people in there it should never had been in and why they didn’t put her in intensive care i really don’t know the reason they said it would make her more ill how much more could it have made her it took her thats as bad as it gets all the diff drs she saw over those 3 weeks had no idea im angry too my dad had issues too at that hospital we took that to the ombudsman in the end linda was livid at his release before we lost him at home in 2021 she was a carer for 12 years so knew how it should have been i really feel for you poppet losing mark so sorry sending you a virtual hug its horrid dealing with the nhs bureaucracy and system i get it
Martin x