I have been trying really hard to carry on and do all the things that need doing. Making myself drive the car again, shop, cook for my daughter, clean the house and keep the garden looking as it always has. I try not to get upset when my daughter is here, she has a learning disability and doesn’t understand where Daddy is. She can’t speak but uses sign language, she frequently signs “Daddy - nurse - cry”. It breaks my heart. I explain that he has died, we can’t see him anymore, he is with her first Daddy, Nanna and Grandad. She points to the sky and nods her head. Five minutes later, the same signs.
They are doing some workbooks with her at the day centre, NHS books about death and loss and designed for people with special needs, and they have made an album with photos of her family, especially my husband. I don’t know if this helps or hinders her grief. They think it is helping her. What do I know? I can’t even understand why he has gone myself, it was so sudden.
This morning I turned the radio whilst I was showering her, every song reminded me. Whilst we were eating breakfast a travel programme came on and it was about a holiday we went on last year.
Everything reminds me of him and it is relentless torture.
I think I am doing all the right things to allow my grief in whilst living my life. Posting here, reading grief guides, talking to family and friends, counting my blessings etc., etc.
Sorry, I know that there are no answers or magic potions.
Xx
I’m thinking of you @Willow112 . You seem to be at that stage where you want to run away from everything, but there’s nowhere to run to, and even if there was you’d want to go home again. You have an awful lot in your plate, it is almost too much for one person to bear. Can someone help to ease the burden a little? I’m sorry, I don’t have the solution, but I’m sending strength your way.
I too don’t have answers
Just hope that things will ease in time
.Sending you love and hugs
X x
What you have written completely resonates with me Willow.
I try do all that I “should “ be doing and try manage my own grief whilst I try navigate my kids grief. I read about grief and loss, listen to endless podcasts etc …
Every single thing reminds me of him at the moment. He is like a constant in my head 24/7. Like you say it feels like torture.
I pray that this will pass in time and I can find some relief from the constant presence that he is in my head.
Do t get me wrong, I don’t ever want to forget him, I just need the intense pain to lessen a bit at some point so I can try to live a life that is bearable. Because at the moment it feels too much to carry for one small person.
I’m now off out dragging my youngest to the gym - hoping it will help.
I suppose it passes the time if nothing else.
Keep going willow - we have to believe it will get better - the love you had was so special, it will take time and hard work to get through this. It’s early days yet
Sending some love and strength for today xx
So many things are reminders aren’t they?
Some totally unexpected.
Love and hugs xx
I suppose I will just have to put my big girls’ pants on and get on with it.
Just as well really, as I had a bit of a meltdown whilst putting clean clothes away and threw out all my pretty underwear and nightwear. If anyone had a peek inside my underwear drawers they would deduce that a nun lives here.
I thought that as nobody was going to see them, I might as well wear what’s comfortable. So, M&S knickers, crop tops and pyjamas, and bed socks when I need them!
Oh Willow it really is so tough for you right now. Your daughter is lucky to have you in her corner trying to make sense for the loss of her Daddy when you yourself are naturally struggling to try and hold it together You are a brave lady. You feel like running away right now I bet but when my sister lost her husband he was only 26 and he hey had an 8 month old, she said “I want to run as far away as possible, the only problem is I have to take my head with me wherever I go”. You try to just take it one day or even one hour at a time if need be. You need time and as you say there are no magic potions. But people like the ones on here hear your pain and are thinking of you and your girl. I know you will keep going for her. Love to you both xx
I think you’re doing amazingly well, @Willow112, especially with so much to cope with. No, no magic potions, but one day you will make your own for yourself and your daughter. It just takes time.
Bless you Willow. It’s so hard isn’t it? I don’t have any words of wisdom for you unfortunately as I haven’t found a way to overcome the pain of losing my partner myself I just wanted to let you know my thoughts are with you and hopefully the support you get from coming on this forum helps in some small way. I know it’s helped me. Take care of yourself. I hope things get easier for you with time x
Thank you everyone. It’s just so exhausting. She loved him and he couldn’t have been a better father, even though he wasn’t her biological father. There aren’t many men who would willingly take on a disabled child and he loved her dearly, whatever she threw at us (sometimes quite literally). I am used to there being two of us to care for her and discuss any problems that arise. Now I am on my own every little problem seems huge. Hopefully she will start to get used to him not being here. It is the key points of the day when she signs most - waking up, when she comes home and at bedtime. I guess that is when all of us miss them most.
Thank you for listening. Xx
Oh Willow my heart truly breaks for you and your girl right now. He was her Daddy no matter the biology and she misses him and is yet to comprehend that he is actually gone. How confusing for her. It breaks my heart that you feel so alone without him. You needed him to help you cope with things and now look where you are. Try and keep strong for your little Daddy’s girl. He loved her unconditionally just like you do too. . Hopefully, one day you will look back and thank him for giving you the strength to cope with all of this heartbreak and pain. Love and hugs to you both xx.