My husband died on 1August last year, I feel as though I am just doing life. I don’t want to do anything or go anywhere. I am a nurse and failed to resuscitate him, the logical me knows that cpr wouldn’t have worked. He had a dvt which resulted in a PE.
I have had a blip the last few weeks and feel so miserable. I miss him so much, I have so much to tell him, I don’t “feel” him in the house, I occasionally dream about him. Doing jobs in the house feels like I am erasing him, pushing him out.
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Hello @Brig1,
I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband. Thank you for sharing this with us. I’m just giving your thread a gentle, “bump” for you - hopefully someone will have some thoughts to share.
Take good care,
Alex
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Hi @Brig1. I know exactly how you feel, as do many on here.
For several months, I made a point of sitting in “her chair” every evening and chatted to her about how I felt, what’s new and challenging, and particularly what mischief “her” dogs had got up to during the day. It wasn’t easy to start with, and I often got a bit emotional. But as time went by it got easier as we talked of happy times, and I smiled.
At least I still had that connection with her, and whilst our evening sessions aren’t now every day, I now more often chat during my dog walks.
It’s now been 3 years (anniversary yesterday) and life is pretty good again, but of course not the same.
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Hi, Brig. I am afraid you are not the only one going through a bump. It’s only 12 weeks for me tonight and i feel like I am going backwards. I saw my counsellor yesterday. She told me to look at the positives i had done managing to go to Alnwick gardens twice. She told me i had to start being kinder to myself as I’m putting other people’s feeling’s before my own. I don’t ring people for help because i don’t want to upset them. So i can go days even a week without talking to anyone then it’s a sister. A friend has not rung me for over 3 weeks. Sorry I’m trying to be postive. I had to do cpr on Sue till the Ambulance came. Then i had to tell them to turn the machines off at the hospital because her heart had stopped at least twice and they didn’t know what she would be like with the cancer and lack of oxygen. I hate myself for this every day even though it was for the best. So we have to try and go forward until we can hopefully be with them again.
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Good morning Tykey, thank you for responding to my message, I read these posts so often but don’t often post anything. This site is so comforting.
I talk to Paul too. It’s such a difficult time, I don’t like to bother people, I feel lonely sometimes but don’t really want company either.
Hopefully in time I will get to that place that is good but different.
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Hi @Nightwish1, thank you for taking time to chat with me. My chaplain has reminded me that having a blip reminds you that you are doing okay, blips will happen always and when least unexpected.
I feel so bad that I wasn’t around when he collapsed. I can’t imagine how it feels having to make that decision that you made.
I do feel that I will plod along until I see him again.
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Hi again. Knightwish has mentioned being kinder to ourselves, that’s 100% right. I’m studying mindfulness, and the first thing I was learned was exactly this. What helped was the realisation that our minds are forever having thoughts, but we don’t ask for them, and it’s almost impossible to stop them. Then these thoughts cause our feelings, hurtful thoughts cause hurtful feelings. So if we are aware of our thoughts but react in this kind and compassionate way to ourselves, our feelings are nowhere near as bad. That’s what mindfulness is about. Takes time and practice, but it really helps.
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I’m going to be totally honest. I think i need to say this. My biggest fear is that when i see Sue again she won’t forgive me. I know and the doctors said it was for the best. Plus seeing the tubes and machine keeping her heart going. I just wanted her to stop being in pain. Now it is mine to carry alone . Sorry if i upset people, i don’t mean to.
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If (or when) I rule the world, there are two words I would eliminate from the English Language. IF and ONLY. We all overuse them on this journey.
My mindfulness therapy guru coached me to use a phrase to replace them “Shit happens, almost always without my help!”
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at 09.38 tomorrow morning it’ll be 6 weeks since I lost my wife. My grief over this 6 weeks has got considerably worse.
My wife passed in my arms at home, having been on oxygen 100% of the time for around 10 days. She did not want to go into hospital and also had a DNR.
As well as the sarcoidosis, which killed her, she had a dislocated/fractured collarbone. This had happened 18 months ago, but it never repaired. The sarcoidosis meant an operation was not advisable. So my wife was in considerable pain at home. The last 3 days were absolutely horrendous for me and, more importantly, her. The last few minutes of her life, she fought me when I kept replacing the oxygen cannula into her nose. In the end it was to no avail as both her oxygen and pulse disappeared.
I am so glad that I managed to stay with her to the end. Having had almost no sleep for 3 days, I was about to give up and let them take into a hospice, but she didn’t want to go and the district nurse said she might not survive an ambulance journey anyway.
I cry almost every hour of the day that I’m awake. I’m also trying to declutter our house as I intend moving back to Wales. So I feel guilty as if I am trying to erase her from the house. It’s not that I’m doing that, I just want to downsize.
So I think many here have similar experiences that you are having. I’ve just had a long chat with an old friend who lost her husband back in 2016. She said that she never got over it. She just learned to live with it. She’ll never forget her husband or stop loving him, but she said I have to get on with what remains of my life as she did.
Good luck and take care
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I like your mindfulness theraphy guru, shit really does happen.
It does. @Sussexlass
The important thing is what we think of it, and then what we choose to do with it.
We could roll in it, or (specially if a horse did it) put it on our roses and enjoy the blooms.
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