Hi how is everyone feeling today? I am having a struggle. My husband Mark passed away 9 weeks ago tonight in hospital and it’s so difficult. It’s hard enough having my own pain & sadness but watching my daughters suffer too is really hard. Our lovely happy family torn apart by grief. I was doing an Asda online shop and all my shopping list was previously stored from last time I done it and there were toiletries for Mark , particular foods he liked. All these things upset me even more. I don’t enjoy Sunday’s anymore since I lost Mark wish I could just bypass them! Xx
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Hi Jools,
It’s so awful isn’t it, so sorry you’re struggling, every day is so hard , but there’s something about the weekends. Everything we do is a hurtful reminder, like the shopping, that killed me seeing Tim’s stuff in the favourites, I hate going to the supermarket and not buying for Tim, everything is just so hard.
I know the feeling of watching your daughters suffering, my youngest daughter, she’s 21 but so close to her dad, has struggled so much, after eight months, still so upset. Our lives have been torn apart and so many people are affected by it.
I’ve also been struggling the last couple of days, but we get through each day, don’t know how but we do, we have to.
Sending a hug.
Steph x
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It is sad what you and @stephtim are going through. It’s difficult when you are a parent and see your children are really struggling, you not only have to deal with your grief but the grief of your kids. My mum broke down last night on the phone, told me she’s been so tearful for the past few weeks but hadn’t told me because she knew it would really upset me.
Shopping - what an awful experience that can be, I totally understand how you would now hate it. Unlike the two of you, I only did a shop once a week for my parents when I visited, and I now find it so difficult when I only shop for my mum, so I can’t even imagine how awful it must be for people who actually used to go into shops with their partners or do regular online shops for them to now have to do it alone.
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Hi Steph
Thankyou for your reply sometimes you just need to talk to someone who understands. I feel so alone despite living with my daughters. It’s my husband I need and I know that’s not possible. I also just feel FVRH extended family and some friends are getting on living their lives I know they have too but we are the ones left alone with our broken & sad family that will never be the same again. How can people understand if they’ve never been through it before though. It’s making me more determined not to rely on anyone and just be as independent as I can now.
Sending you hugs and thanks for listening xx
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I do understand, like you say it’s only us that know how it feels. The feeling of feeling so alone, it hurts, our relationship is totally different to our children, we’ve lost the half of us, and our future is scary. Our daughters grief is just as painful, but different.
People are getting on with their lives, planning things and the world doesn’t stop for us. I do feel angry inside, and jealous of others with their happy lives, it’s just so unfair. I also feel like you, I don’t want to rely on anyone, we definitely change after losing our husbands.
You’re not alone in this x
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Hi Steph
I’ve most definitely changed you couldn’t possibly not after going through such a huge loss. I’m not a jealous person but hate the thought of couples being all lovey dovey etc & happy families that used to be us. I would hate to become bitter as that is not my personality. My brother in law visited briefly with his wife during week and even I felt so uncomfortable with that visit as I was sitting thinking this isn’t fair that should be me & Mark sitting there. I feel I don’t want to be in their company again xx
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Hi Jools, I think we all change after such a trauma. I know I am not the daft, loud, sociable person I was when I had Colin. I know I lost part of me along with him, the fun loving duo we once were has become a solo act 
and I bloody hate it. I was never envious of anyone either, on the contrary I was a tad smug at the wonderful marriage I had and how loved I was but now I am eaten up with jealously towards others who still have their husbands to see couples hand in hand kills me but sadly we have to get used to our new life on our own xx
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Hi Mrs Colt
Thanks for replying I feel right now that I cannot imagine my life moving forward without Mark it’s only been 9 weeks and I feel so low tonight. I know I’ve got great daughters and family but it’s not the same as my amazing loving husband which is sadly all I want right now. The stupid feeling of wanting to go to sleep and not wake up has crept into my mind again that I first had when I lost Mark 
xx
I think we all feel this at some point x
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I know Jools, I remember thinking taking a load of pills and going to sleep forever was preferable to waking up every morning and facing the loss all over again 
I know my friends on the forum have all been there and had the same thoughts as Steph has just posted 9 weeks is very early days Jools been 8 months for me and Steph and we didn’t know how we would get through 8 days but we did and we all support eachother as nobody knows what it is really like unless they are living it themselves x
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How true is that Steph 
x
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Very true v can’t believe we’ve got to eight months,
But we have and we’re still here xx
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And we will still be here in another 8 
x
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We certainly will 
xx
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I think it is completely normal feelings when you lose the one who was your life 
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Thank you Steph and Mrs Colt
You both give me that hope I need right now. In a way the weeks just fly bye it’s weird . When Mark was in hospital for that weekend it was an eternity.
It is only yourselves and others who have suffered such losses who can truly understand this pain and that is a comfort. Just wish we’d met on a happier forum xx
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I see you are in Scotland Jools, I am in Fife 
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Hello Mrs. Colt, Read your post tonight — I hadn’t realized you were thinking of taking the ills and getting it over with. In a way, I am in agreement with you (though I do not actually know you, except thru this website.
I lost my wife almost 8 months ago — I am living here along, seeing her belongings, remembering songs she would sing. How lonely it is that I don not hear her voice, her cooking, her asking how does this outfit look on me, etc. Sundays are especially difficult foe me — like today. I almost wish I had gone asleep and not awaken till till the busy stuff starts. (That’s what my life is like). I don’t care what others say - I loved my wife and the ways she would do things,. I told one of her sons, that I would give everything up just have have her back with me. So where an I now? I am left here at what was our home - reliving experiences I can only recall in my memory. I’m not trying to put anyone on a guilt trip – my wife meant everything to me - she was my best friend, my cheering section, and so much more. Now, I’m all alone doing all the things we were working on together. Yes, I miss her. I don’t know how to make this work now without her. I wish it would have been me that died that night instead of her – she was resourceful and kind to everyone - she was friendly and loved animals and people - and me! She loved our home too - she was making improvements - how miss her now more than ever. I miss her so much! Kind regards to you.
Herb
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I need to apologize – please pardon my spelling errors. I was not trying to explain my own circumstances regarding the loss of my lovely wife. No offense to you or anyone else. I just wanted to let you know I am feeling bad about her not being here either. I too, wish I could be with her again. I share your feelings and sorrow, You’re not alone on this at all.
Regards,
Herb
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Hi I live in central Scotland so not far from Fife xx
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