We knew my partner was going to die, 8 months before he did, and we talked openly about his impending death, but I feel utterly unprepared and raw. He died on 23rd January this year and I’m empty, raging, disbelieving and very sad. So much nonsense is talked about the emotional benefit of an expected death, as if it should hurt less. My husband died suddenly some time ago and this feels just as bad. Tonight I feel utterly out of control with the pain and wonder how i will carry on.
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Dear Meggles
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I cannot see the emotional benefit of an expected death. I lost my wife suddenly to a heart attack last December and my life is shattered. Whether it was unexpected or expected my soul mate has gone, the pain is the same and somehow I’ve got to find a way of surviving, just as you have. Widowed friends and relatives tell me that you never get over your loss you just learn to live with it.
For now the name of the game is survival. Be kind to yourself and try to get enough sleep and enough to eat. I’ve lost weight since my wife died and I am now trying to remedy that.
People tell you to take one day at a time but actually that is all you can do. Cry when you need to but take up distractions that lift your mood even if it is only fleetingly.
Take care Meggles our thoughts are with you.
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Dear meggles I feel for u. My daughter passed away just over a year ago. She had cancer and battled with it since she was 7 for over 20 years. She died aged 27. She knew it had spread and was terminal. Being there and talking about it is something we just do. We have to because our loved ones need us to. We can’t run away and hide. But that doesn’t mean the pain is any less. In a way it’s worse because we are just waiting. What ur feeling is normal. People say they mean well but they don’t get it unless they have been there. Eventually they move on while ur life is still in turmoil and will never be the same. Be kind to urself and look after urself as best u can. He wouldn’t want u not to. Sending u a big hug
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Thank you both for your support and kindness. A new day has dawned after all and I will just keep going. Thank you for giving even though you’re in pain, too.
@Meggles
I had a partner of 30 years who I loved dearly and the last 3 years he was in a home with sepsis and Parkinson’s. I did a certain amount of grieving and crying whilst he was in the home watching him ‘wither’ away. I prayed for him to go to be honest because he didn’t want to be like that…I don’t know where my strength came from in front of him
Believe it or not and purely by chance I met John and we were together for two n half years until March this year, not living together but thinking of marriage, and he absolutely became my soulmate and love of my life. He died suddenly and unexpectedly and I couldn’t comprehend what had happened and still can’t. There’s no answer but your brain thinks there should be.
Two different deaths, one expected and the other sudden, and for me personally the most distressing and upsetting is Johns sudden passing. I suppose one I understand and the other I don’t…
I’m still trying to understand why I’m comparing the two…
Hi, sorry for your loss. I am on the same time scale as you. Sue officially died on the 25th January. Sue had just finished her first chemotherapy and i had hope. Now 12 weeks on and not seeing any family and friends since Sue’s funeral. I have none but yet i get up every day have a shower and keep going. I admit it’s hard but we keep going. Take care and look after yourself.
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Although my wife’s death was expected, one of the hospice nurses told me that no matter how much you’re expecting it, it is still a shock when it actually happens. Which was certainly the case.
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I’m soo sorry for your loss
Chemotherapy is soo rough and such a big decision to have to make. No one really prepares you for it even though they tell u all the side affects etc. having hope and then it being taken away from you is soo hard. I don’t have words to say only that I have been there. Well done for trying to function she would have wanted u to carry on and look after urself no doubt. Grief has its ups and downs and some days or hours will be worse than others. Everyone else forgets ur still there as they just carry on with their lives. Shows who really cares I guess. See if there any groups or something u can join even if u don’t go it’s something u can aim for. Might help with the loneliness
So sorry for your loss
Losing someone is never easy
Hopefully she wasn’t in pain
Hospices themselves are a roll of emotions. Hope ur getting some support
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Thank you. I am sorry for your loss. I am in counselling, week number 6 this week but i think they are going to extend it. I also lost my Dad on Christmas day 2024 not unexpected. Its funny i know what i am supposed to do, it’s just doing it.
Dear Meggles
Thank you for having the courage to share your thoughts with us. It took several weeks before I was brave enough to join this website but, once I had, I found the friendship here lightened the load a little and it made a difference.
Nobody has the answer to our despair but it is easy to sit at home thinking you are alone in grief. This website shows there are many like us and probably thousands more who have yet to find this community.
Take it easy and look after yourself.
Counselling itself is not easy. It helped me as I felt I couldn’t talk about my daughter. Everyone else around me seemed to have moved on and I was still stuck and grieving. They got tired of seeing me always crying and seeing her in everything I did. Even her belongings. Showergel was not just Showergel but hers. I couldn’t have anything that reminded me as it was too painful. At least with counselling I could just sit there and talk about her for an hour a week.
Well done for reaching out I’m proud of u
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Hi i understand what you are going though iv just posted again. My husband was diagnosed with lung cancer told he had 9 lived for 2 years and yes you are right it is just as painful as not knowing the difference is your just waiting for that time bomb to go of and you know it is coming that was almost 2 years for me and the pain is unbelievable i hate my life now. Take care if you ever want to talk im here
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