He was 24 and he was beautiful

I lost my son to violence in 2018. Because I had hospice training I thought I was coping appropriately… I wasn’t. I’ve been off work for 8 months, and I highly doubt I’ll go back to work in medicine in any shape or form.
Some days I’m ok and I manage. Other days are awful. Most people don’t deal well when they interact with a parent whose child has died.
I’ve joined this forum because I’d love to be able to talk about him with people who understand

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Dear Fred

I’m so sorry you’ve joined us. None of us wanted to be here but here we are thrown together because of our lost children.

There are truly amazing courageous people here and regular posting will keep you in touch. Or just reading if that’s easier.

Tell us about your son. I lost my son Henry in October 2019. I’ve learnt to manage my grief but there are triggers and occasions when I go right back to the day he died. He was 30.

Shortly afterwards my nephew Oli took his own life, and a couple of months after that, his mother (who was fighting cancer) contracted Covid19 and died., she was only 53.

We then lost my uncle last November, again to Covid19. We went from a fairly average family with the normal ups and downs to one that death seemed to favour. It’s been hard :cry::broken_heart:

I’m sending you warmest wishes and hugs. Our children are always in our hearts.


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Hi Fred…I lost my son very suddenly just over three years ago and I never had the chance to say goodbye to him or tell him how much I loved him and how proud I was of him, and all his achievements…I know I had told him this many times but I just would to tell him one final time…
You miss your boy dreadfully I know ,but by joining this forum you will meet so many parents who have lost their children for so many different reasons and we are all here to try and help one another…just speaking about it helps tremendously
Love and take care…Marina xx

Thank you for your reply. Today is a particularly bad day; the last month has been awful and filled with stress.
I had been in a relationship but that’s ended now; I caught him on dating sites messaging other women. To be honest, I’m sort of relieved. I had had doubts about whether I loved for the last 3 months, but hung in there in the hopes it would get better. It didn’t. I’ve come to the conclusion that being in a relationship is a bad idea, that I need to work on myself and continue to grieve.
I have my dog and my cat to keep me going, but I feel so emotionally alone and isolated. It feels like I’ll never have the capacity to love again, like this grief over my son is a huge barrier to being able to connect with people. How do I go about breaking down that obstacle? I don’t know.

He was very much a free spirit, like me. He had some mental health and drug issues when he was a teenager, but seemed to have matured and was stable.
He lived in America (I lived there for 20 years) and he committed suicide by cop. He failed to stop for a traffic violation and led officers on a 20 minute chase. When he did eventually stop, he got out of his truck with a pistol and he pointed it at his own head. Then, he pointed it at the police and fired some shots over their heads. They had no choice but to return fire and he died as a result of his injuries.
My son died on his own, on the ground, in the cold. I used to be a nurse so I have a pretty good idea what his death would have looked like, and that kills me. Did he suffer? Did he know he was dying? Did he think of or call out for me?
Mothers are supposed to protect their children. I couldn’t protect mine.

Dear Fred

I’m so sorry…how very traumatic.

You’re right we do dwell on what we think we should or could have done and we all re-run events in our head. That’s pretty much the problem- what’s in our head and how to keep it in check. We cannot change the outcome- if only!

Your son couldn’t have been thinking straight and in that terrible moment he crossed over to the other side. He would have known then as now that you love him. I’ve done and sometimes now I find myself analysing it all. I get on my own nerves with it.

We’re all here to support you and unfortunately we know your pain…it’s endless.

Be kind to yourself Fred…big hugs gs